It's A Mad Mad World
by cmaus1216
Summary: Zombies have taken over most of the United States of America and Edward Cullen is the only survivor, or so he thinks. Can Edward adapt in order to stay alive, or will he survive by living in a Mad Mad World?
1. Prologue

_**It's A Mad Mad World****- Prologue **_

**Edward POV**

Rotting flesh.

Stomach-turning moans.

I'm really glad my five fucking senses are all in order. That's all I see or hear these days. Death. It's all around. No, not freshly cut grass or the smells of a new rain. Not the sound of the wind sweeping through the country side or even the sound of chirping birds. Dark, _disgusting_ death. And no, I'm not some Emo-Goth guy with black hair in skinny jeans- although I have been told my ass looks pretty "fine" in them.

My name is Edward Cullen and I'm the only survivor of the Zombie Apocalypse.

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_**A/N: **_**Welcome readers! This is going to be a rather long AN but it's quite important so I hope you stick along to read.**

**I'm cmaus1216 or Cici. *waves* I am the co-writer of this story along with my good friend, Nadin. She *waves* also. **

**Our plan is to switch authors each chapter, helping eachother out as we go. This chapter was written by Cmaus1216 (me *wink*). **

**We really do hope you stick around to read more! We appreciate your thoughts/opinions and of course, we love the REVIEWS!**

**Until next time, **

**~Cici. *waves*  
**


	2. Chapter 1 Zombie Slayer or Zombie Player

_**A/N: **_**You're back! Wow, thanks for reading! Thanks to my lovely beta and all of those who reviewed/alerted this story. You guys really make me happy! Let's continue the happiness, okay? *wink* Hit the little review button at the end and tell me if I'm either screwing this up or making it awesome. Enjoy!

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Yeah, I guess you could consider me a new-found loner. I mean, I naturally don't have friends these days; and if I do, I'm lucky if they don't try to eat my flesh while I sleep. I'm only joking. Not about the flesh thing; no**,** that's real. I mean the whole "_I sleep with zombies_" thing. That's a joke. I'm not entirely helpless in the brain department. I actually once considered myself quite smart**;** a third year College student at the esteemed University of Washington, conveniently located near my home in Seattle, working towards a degree in Mathematics. I guess you could say I had a lot going for me. That is until some jackass forgot to herd in a few straggling cows one night and let's just say lightening striking cows that happen to be standing in manure isn't the best meat to package.

I wasn't the most popular kid in school**,** but I was definitely a people person; attending college parties every weekend, football games, bar hopping, you name it. That all came to a halting stop when I had to start chopping off my fellow student body's heads with a golf club. Hey, at least I know my Physics Professor would have given me a good grade according to the angle his head oh-so kindly dislocated.

That's another thing. You see, I don't have a lot of remorse these days for the dead. I shouldn't say that, what I mean is**,** I don't have a lot of respect for those who try to eat my organs. I'd rather be the next host of _The Price is Right_ then turn into one of those flesh-eating freaks. And no, not those "Vampire" Kids that hang out in the forest behind Fourth Quad, I'm talking Zombies.

Ah, Fourth Quad. I miss the days when I could walk out of my dorm - McCulley Hall - at any hour of the day and see a group of friends sitting in the freshly cut grass in Fourth Quad. I sigh as I look out at the reminisce of the beloved Fourth Quad. I can almost see my dorm window from the view of the tree I'm perched in**;** the blacked in windows that attempted to lessen those pesky hangovers that always seemed to ruin a good viewing of Sunday Morning. You know, Sunday Morning. That CBS TV show where we all first learned of the impending Zombie Apocalypse. Unfortunate for me, I assumed it was just one of those weird segments**. **You know, like The Moth Man or some lame guy that claims to be a Superhero. I guess I couldn't tell from the flashing _Breaking News_ banner that slid across the screen that this shit was real.

My TV should still be scrolling through the same CBS announcement as we speak. I wonder if there is anyone else still alive, hoping to tap into some strange TV signal**,** or even if the phone lines are still working… If only I could get to my room.

A strange, familiar scent swims through my nostrils as my body tenses into attack mode. I turn my body slightly, allowing my senses to take over: Thumping of uncontrolled limbs, the stench of rotting flesh, and the chalkboard scratching noise of the moans heading towards the tree I occupy. Zombies. But how many? I can hear what seem to be two sets of feet, unless this poor fucker's arms are dragging behind him. I'll go with the second. I wait until the bastard is close enough and that's when I see her. It's the lunch lady, Ms. Kathy. Well shit, if there's ever a time to serve pay back for that shitty meatloaf that got me sick for two weeks, now is the time.

"Sorry, but that shit was nuclear!" I battle cry as I swing down from the tree, golf club in hand _300 _Spartan Style. I deliver one nice blow to Mrs. Kathy's neck and that's all I need for the gargling noise to cease. I give my body one nice twist, cracking my back**,** and sucking in one clean breath before I cover my noseand slink towards her. I hit her once more in the face. _Double Tap. _

Yeah, yeah. Yell at me. But what can I do? _Hope_ that she's really dead? No way in hell. I tried that once and almost ended up as dessert. If there's one thing I'm thankful of from my child hood, it's The Cullen Family Annual Zombie-luscious Halloween Movie Extravaganza. No, I didn't make up that name. _Dawn of the Dead, 30 Days of Night, 28 Days Later, Zombieland__**. **_You name it**,** we've watched it. Sure, they made it look a lot easier than it is but hell, without them I'd probably end up like Mrs. Nuclear Meatloaf over here.

As I head towards my dorm, I pull out my pocket-sized notebook and scribble down: _34- Mrs. Kathy. _Morbid? Maybe. Fucking smart? Yes. Mrs. Kathy here is my 34th Zombie kill. You see, keeping track helps me not only know who is living or a human leech, but it gives me a confident boost. Whenever I'm feeling down in the shitter, all I have to do is pull out my handy-dandy notebook and viola. 34. Instant Confidence Boost. It's like the little number comes to life and gives me a mini pep talk: "_Listen up you prick, you've got 34 down. Thirty-fucking-four. Do you think now is the time to give up? Fuck no! Now get off your sorry ass and go kick some Zombie Ass!" _He's got a bit of a mouth on him, I'll give him that.

I'm tugging on the massive two story doors before it hits me that this could be a bad idea. I press my ear against the door in effort to hear through to the other side.

"Nothing," I murmur as I take a step back, pursing my lips as I scan the door. I'm about to push through when I hear it; the sound of glass breaking. The positive thing about zombies? They're fucking stupid. They're like a fat kid trying to play Hide and Seek. Always breaking things. Always making noise wherever they walk or**,** I should say**,** limp.

"Time to go." And with that, I'm turning around, making my way down the McCully Hall steps without even looking ahead. _Mistake number one, ass wipe. _I quickly glance up, noticing my mistake as I see what's in front of me. Five,_ hungry_ zombies. All waiting to get their grimy hands on me. "Thanks Mrs. Kathy," I nod once, acknowledging that she's the reason to why these pesky bitches stand before me.

Fucking perfect. I have five closing in on me, and God knows what's behind these doors. _Think quickly, Cullen. _"Better in than out!" I shrug as I quickly turn, hauling open the large wooden doors and slamming it closed behind me as I secure it shut with a few closed located desks. Just in time. Just like the movies. But then I remember, this is _not_ a movie and as I hear more glass break I know it's time. "'Nut up or shut up,'" I channel my inner Tallahassee from _Zombieland, _tighten my grip around my golf club**, **baseball style**,** and continue the voyage inside towards the source of the zombie.

"I'll show _you_ how to play Hide and Seek!"

Oh yeah, one more thing: I tend to have lame battle cries.

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**_A/N: _Love it? Hate it? Let me know by leaving me a review!**


	3. Chapter 2 My Life's A Vending Machine

_**A/N: **_**~Take a look at the Important A/N at the end~ And I'm back with another chapter of some zombie filled fun! Right? Well I don't know about _that._ Leave a review with you're thoughts; it's really nice to know what everyone thinks! I'll try to reply back to each and every one! Enjoy!**

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**Background music would be incredibly useful at this precise moment. Play a few songs from a bad ass battle scene in a movie and I'm golden baby. I swiftly around the corner**, **holding onto my Nine Iron in a fucking death grip**,** as my heart rate picks up. The formally laid out foyer of McCulley Hall is now the reminisce of what looks to be a battle field. Or buffet. Couches turned over, their cushions strewn about. Pictures hanging on by a thread. Curtains mangled, vases smashed into thousands of irreplaceable bits. And the worst of all: Silence. Silence in a dormitory is never good, especially if that dormitory is over run by zombies.

The putrid smell of the living dead nevertheless lingers in my nostrils, obliterating any hope that the remaining zombies have fled to a new dorm. _There goes any hope that the assholes from Morrison Hall got what was coming for them. _I stand motionless, flush against the wall**,** awaiting any sign of company. Nothing comes.

"Maybe he _is_ playing Hide and Seek," I murmur to myself as I sneak up on the staircase and that is when my eyes narrow in on it: that fucking squeaky step. The squeaky step that wakes up the whole dorm at four in the morning because the jackass from down the hall got in late. The squeaky step that cannot be avoided. The squeaky step that you try to ignore**,** but is always on your mind.

I look over my shoulder and confirm that I am still alone before I hastily make the Sign of the Cross. I tense my entire body, attempting to make my right foot as light as possible, before slowly placing my foot carefully on _the_ step. I swear this fucking step is like a fog horn in disguise because the noise that resounded from the impact would make a train horn look like a pansy. And that's all it took to pull the bastard from his hiding spot.

"Fucking ass-shit!" I roar as I hustle up the remaining stairs. At least the recent zombie invasion has extended my vocabulary.

The mangled zombie gurgles with hunger as he limps up each stair step. He hits the squeak step 2000 and yelps loudly.

"You and me both buddy," I yell as I run down the hallway searching for an open door. I come up empty handed before the elevator breaks into my peripheral vision. _Can zombies even work elevators?_ The leech's hand claws at the final step as he pulls himself up, groping at the banister for support. _No time for hypothesizing, Cullen. _I make a beeline for the elevator, slapping the "Up" button more than necessary as the sick little bastard literally _pulls_ him self together and begins making his way towards his main course.

"Fuck!" I bark and the elevator elves must have heard me because the doors opened with a "Bing" and I hurried inside, fondling the next button.

A shiver breaks through me and this is the first time death feels close. The zombie is **only** feet away from the elevator doors as he licks what's left of his lips with what's left of his tongue. I squish myself as far into the corner as I can and suddenly the days of crowded elevators come flashing back into my head. 25 people in an elevator after a Washington State football game. After a late night bar crawl. Late for a class.

"Oh shit, it's my life flashing before my eyes," I mutter as I rub my eyes, blinking a few times attempting to rid the cheesy flashbacks.

He has his grimy hands on the outer doors now, and I'm looking around for any escape. I should have taken care of him before I made my way into this death trap of an elevator. I can't even swing my golf club without injuring myself in this piece of shit. I pull my golf club up and extend it in front of me: one last barrier.

"Doors closing," the computerized woman's sexy voice croons and the light bulb in my head goes on just as the zombie's head goes off.

"Well shit, that's just disgusting," I poke his head with my Nine Iron - now known as Tiger, yes for Tiger Woods - furthering our distance from each other. "Thank you, Scarlett," I nod towards the source of the computerized voice.

The doors open onto a new level of McCulley Hall, hopefully one that is zombie free. I step over elevator zombie's head before scribbling his name down in my notebook: _Elevator Zombie: 35_. Even though I gave up hope on my life and Scarlett was the one to relieve this zombie of his duties, she would want me to take this one, so I did.

I keep Tiger at my side as I check each door. "Since when has everyone locked their fucking doors?" I yell. Oh, that's right. When a Zombie Apocalypse was announced. Duh.

After a grueling search for 30 seconds, I find an unlocked dorm room. I stick Tiger in before following his lead. The room is in ruins**,** but hopefully none of the zombies knew how to handle pliers. I search under piles and piles of old tests and notebooks, digging for the gold.

"F+, B-, C+, D, F-? Damn, you need to step up your game, my fellow student." _Why the hell am I snooping? _"Oh, right." I quickly snap out of my inner trance and fish out a cell phone from under the bed. My fingers shakily press on the _ON_ button as I throw a quick glance over my shoulder. The phone's screen does not light up. Not a flicker. I flip it over in my palm and quickly undue the back, finding the battery. I rip it out before placing it back in the slot, closing the back and praying that it will turn on.

"Dammit! Why don't people charge their fucking cell phones!" _Because we're in a time of dire need, that's why. _

I slam the cell phone against the wall before realizing that it could have been of use.

"Great," I mutter as I grab Tiger and file out of the room and into the empty hallway.

I stop for a moment, awaiting a noise, a smell, a feeling of a presence but nothing comes. I decide the coast is clear and hightail it back to the elevator only to be joined by Scarlett's sexy voice, Elevator Zombie's head and, of course, elevator music. I lean my head against the cold walls of the elevator and catch my breath, when I hear a sound more menacing than a zombie's moaning: my stomach.

"Bloody perfect," I groan as the doors open and I exit the elevator, bidding farewell to EZ.

I'm about to descend on the stair case when I hear a jingle in my pocket. My hand instinctively meets the source and snakes itself into my right pocket. I feel like a teenage boy discovering his first chest hair as my hand returns, $2.75 in its clutches.

"Fuck, yes," I grin as I twist myself around and head back down the hall towards the vending machine. Thank god they didn't go all healthy shit on our dorm just yet. I can't tell you how badly I don't want to eat Tofu and Soy Milk right now. I'd rather receive a sucker punch from Mike Tyson.

I deposit $0.75 and press F5 and await my M&M's. Naturally, the vending machine is a bitch. I stare at the spiraling metal dispenser as my M&M's are centimeters from free falling and fight the urge to kick the machine. I thrust my hand into the collection chamber and rescue the M&M's before depositing another dollar. This time, almost immediately after pressing B13, the bag of pretzels is resting in my back pocket. I use my remaining dollar to buy a water bottle. This time, the machine isn't so lucky. I shake the metal fucker in attempt to release the bottle that has oh-so-conveniently parked its ass. I step back and Kung-Fu kick the shitty money eater in the kisser. I'm about to force myself up its ass when Tiger and I lock eyes/club. A smirk plays upon my lips as I flip Tiger in my hand and square myself in front of the machine.

"Edward Cullen, home run hitter," I sing as I drive Tiger through the glass, which erupts into pieces.

I retrieve the water bottle with a victory grin before an idea springs into my head. Before I know it, I'm hauling a duffle bag full of junk food and various drinks down the stairs. _Squeak. _"Fuck you."

I leave my loot by the couch as I quickly do a one over of the dormitory. Just me, McCulley Hall and my bag of shit.

The banging and gurgling behind the doors increase.

And them.

I was never one for sharing.

I reinforce the blockade behind the grand entrance and dive onto the couch, retrieving my bag of M&M's.

"Sorry, guys."

_My life's a vending machine; teetering on the edge just waiting for an extra push. Living in a Zombie Infested World isn't all it's cracked up to be. Yeah sure, no more small talk. No more getting up at 7 am only to be late to your 7:30 class. But, as long as you're in Zombieland, you can never just be…you. You're like a vending machine: on edge, waiting for something else to decide what you do next. But, if I want to keep from losing what's left of my mind, then I'll sit my ass on a couch and eat my bag of M&M's while watching a fuzzy TV screen. Fuck you, zombies; this isn't your world yet.

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**A/N: ~Important~ The original plan to switch off writing has fallen through the cracks. I, (Cici/Cmaus1216) will continue writing this story. Nadin will be her awesome self and help me out. I hope you stick around to read! Reviews = Love. Thanks for reading!**

_**~Cici**_


	4. Chapter 3 Play Dead

_**A/N: Zombies galore. *wink* Thanks for reading and all your lovely reviews, please keep it up. I love to hear your thoughts/opinions! Check out the OUTSTANDING banner that the lovely TheWaywardGirl made for this story, it's on my profile! Thanks to the best beta out there, Mimi! I'll get back to each and every review! Enjoy!

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**_

"I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the Republic, one nation- No. For which it stands, under all. Dammit. I pledge to the allegiance of America- oh fuck it. God damn." I hastily yanked on the rope**,** completing my own Flag Raising ceremony and stuffed my hands back into my stingy sweatshirt.

I looked around at the brisk, hazy morning and suddenly wished that I packed my Washington State Snuggie that my Aunt Esme "personally ordered off of QVC".

I had two zombie free days in my dorm until the dumb asses stormed the entrance of McCulley Hall and we had to enlist in a game of "Go Fetch…you're buddy's head." I managed to eat most of the contents of the vending machine and I now look about eight weeks preggers. Damn, I would kill for a Hot Pocket.

I slung my duffel bag over my shoulder and said my good-byes to Fourth Quad; the images of a toasty Hot Pocket engrained in my brain.

"It's been a pleasure to pass out on your luscious grass, Fourth Quad." The grass. This grass is the complete opposite of the fucking squeaky step. This grass is the one thing _you _wake up for. This grass is the one thing you change your path to class for. This grass is always on your mind.

I knelt down and grazed my frozen hands across the gently blades, whimpering to myself. "Fucking glorious." I weaved my fingers through**,** pulled back a handful of the Jesus of Grass, and stuffed it in my pocket. Hey, this grass is like an inhaler for a kid with asthma. If I were to drop dead, you could pull out this sucker; wave it in front of my face and viola. Back from the dead. Unless I was a zombie, then in that case, just hit me in the head with a shovel.

Speaking of, they should be around soon. I mean, how could my amaze-fuck attempt at _Amazing Grace_ go unnoticed? They're probably getting Simon Cowell to come and grammatically beat my ass. Or physically. Come on, you've seen his biceps bleeding out of those tight black t-shirts he wears on American Idol. Shit, you know you're about to die when you start thinking about American Idol.

"I need a fucking Hot Pocket." Back on track. I set off towards the tree-lined Avenue that leads to the main road exiting campus. This walk was always a great way to wake up in the morning. Creepy forests lined road that holds all sorts of monsters**,** like the one from _The Village. _Fucking birds that nest in the dimmed out head lights swoop down and try to peck out your eyes. A butterfly that looks like it has eyes on its wings**,** so instead of bringing the message of serenity it casts the message of "fuck up one step and you're mine, lover boy." Now that there are real monsters to worry about, I feel a little more on edge than watching out for a hyperactive bunny.

I kick my walk up a notch as I near the end of the Avenue**,** but that seems pointless compared to what I find in front of me. A tall, barbed wire fence.

"Sweet shit and gum drops," I groan dropping my bag in front of the Goliath of a fence. I scan the fence for any holes or weak spots**,** but come up a poor man. I can't see how far it extends due to the mist that invades the country side and that's when I wish that little dumb kid song we all learn really applied to all situations. "Can't go around it, we can't go over it, we can't go under it" _Might as well fucking evaporate into it! _Fuck you, dude who wrote this mind imprinting song.

_Thump._

_Gurgle._

_Moan._

_Thump. Thump._

"Three…two…one," I plug my nose before the stench reaches me just as they come into view**. **The five zombies from before break through the mist in an angry march/limb drag.

"Hm, no Simon, what a relief**.**" I take a few steps back, grabbing my duffle before I hurl it over the fence, clearing the barbed wire.

I have time before they enter my comfort zone, only if I could remember the rest of that damn song! I murmur it under my breath like a kindergartner practicing it in his sleep. "Can't go around it, Can't go over it, Can't go under it…Can't go under it…"

_Thump Thump. _

_Groan. _Okay that one was more of a yell.

"Can't go under it…we have to swim- fuck there's no water."

_Screech._

_Thump._

A flash of Mrs. Sharp - my kindergarten teacher - races through my head. _"Edward, you can't swim through a mountain, honey!" _I remembered feeling crushed as my teacher put down my "swimmy arms" and fixed them into "mountain climby arms" but now that pissed off kindergartener**,** I'm-going-to-draw-a-fat-picture-of-you**,** void disappears as a grin lights up my face.

"Can't go under it, we have to climb it." My smile vanishes as I glance up at the ten foot fence and then murders itself when I see the zombies closing in.

I quickly mount the fence as I force my fingers to clench around the cold iron metal. My hands shake as I slowly inch my way up. "Butterflies, rainbows, unicorns, lollipops," I spit out in attempt to lighten up my inner four year old girl/professional rock climber**,** but this only worsens my climbing abilities and I slip a foot down. My Handy Dandy Zombie Notebook races into action just in time: _"Climb you, sissy fuck! Haul your scrawny ass up there!" _

I regain my composure and reach the top just as the zombies stumble upon the bottom. I slip my shoe off and attempt to flatten part of the barbed-wire and this works…in an abstract way. I matted down part of the barbed-wire**,** but it could spring back at any moment**,** so I decide this is the time to go free falling. I pull myself up, swing my leg over the other side**,** and straddle the fence. _Fact: This fence will mostly likely cause me to be infertile. _

"I sang _Amazing Grace, _and now we're on 'The Amazing Race!'" Point Cullen for another battle cry. Two points for the zombie's reaction: clapping. Okay, they're shaking the fence and slapping each other to get to me first**,** but what the hell.

"Easy, easy guys**.** I have time for all of you! Not. Peace out, fuckers!"

_Rule Number Six: Don't be a smart ass._

"Oh shit," I whine as the fence shakes violently and I loose my grip. My leg scrapes against the newly sprung barbed-wire and I plummet to the ground; my duffel thank fuck breaking my fall_._

I surprisingly spring right up and turn back towards the fence at my comrades. My inner ghetto rapper kicks in and I shake the fence. "What? What?"

The putrid zombie's jaws snap at me and their hands extend through the fence groping at the cold air. "That's what I thought!" I kick the fence one last time and kill two birds with one stone: Zombie's leg dislocates. Pride intact.

As I re-position my god-like duffel over my shoulder, my pride returns to non-existent and the pang of throbbing hits me. I pull up my pant leg to reveal a gash that looks to be six inches wide and two inches deep. I really wish I had Marry Poppins' bag of shit right now or at least a doctor to fall out of the dreary sky.

"Party," I mumble numbly as I ease my pant leg back over the cut and continue walking. Well, now I'm limping. Great, I'm becoming more like the assholes with the fucked up faces back there. If only I could get a shower and eliminate one zombie identifying factor: hippie stench.

I'm walking from what the road signs tell me, south, when a gust of wind runs through me and I receive an epiphany. Fuck, this is a good one because in the back of my head I hear wind chimes. South is where _Target_, _Super Wal-Mart _and all that other shit is. If I continue down this road I should end up in the College Town area and hopefully find someone or at least something to get by with. That's one more thing about living in Zombieland: when you see**,** hear**,** or think of something remotely minor, you make it a fucking huge ass deal. For instance, if I saw a heads up penny right now, fireworks would go off in my head and I'd start calling myself The Godfather. So when I realize _Super Wal-Mart _is a few miles away, it's like I just won Miss USA.

Heel. Toe. Heel. Toe. Extend hand up and twist wrist while cupping hand at an acute angle. My mistake; I'm fucking Miss Universe as I walk down Hickory Highway. This gets boring real quickly and for the remaining hour of my walk**,** I decide to simply go over every Hot Pocket flavor. Okay, maybe I squeeze in a little _Friends _discussion/trivia to pass the time.

"I always knew Ross and Rachel would end up together**. **They're like each other's half." I know what you're thinking…I want to marry this dude.

"Phoebe sang what song? 'Smelly cat, smelly cat. What are they feeding you?'" Fuck yes, I proudly belted out Smelly Cat to the population of 0 in Hickory Highway.

Population 0, my ass. I'm really fucking ecstatic that zombies have learned how to use a gun because that's what noise permeates through the air. I look around for a tree or a ditch; I'd be happy to find a rabbit hole right now but I don't.

"Hickory Highway!" I yell frustrated**,** which ends up coming out as a groan**,** as I do the first thing I can think of: Play dead.

I'm kissing the cold asphalt as I hear impending footsteps. _Fuck, this zombie managed to hold himself together. _I close my eyes, tensing my body, attempting to block off my hearing and pray that his gunky eyes find something distracting. The footsteps drown out**,** but I keep still and that's when I hear not a groan or a jaw snapping, but an even, firm, sexy voice say:

"Poor, fucker. The back of your head's cute too," the voice sighs and I think I've already made it to heaven and I'm about to meet Scarlett- the computerized elevator voice- when I hear a gun caulk and I can feel the barrel against my head. "Sweet dreams."

"Holy Sandra Bullock!" I yelp as I roll to the side and meet eyes with my almost murderer.

"What the fuck?" she manages to get out as she pushes her brown matted hair out of her chocolate brown eyes revealing her dirty**,** but breath-taking face.

"Y-You're not a zombie," I choke out as I sit up.

"And you're not a flesh eating jackass," she says her voice tingeing with amazement.

"No, thank creator of Hot Pockets, I'm not. I'm Edward Cullen…Washington State, Senior- majoring in Mathematics."

"Bella Swan, Seattle University- Pre Med," she smirked, flipping the gun over in her hand and extending it to me then pulling me up with ease.

"I literally just wished for you," I mumbled out, uncensored, remembering my wish for Mary Poppins' bag of shit or a doctor.

"Then I guess it's your lucky day," she retorted slinging the gun over her shoulder.

"We can start talking about lucky days when I get a Hot Pocket."

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_**A/N: *wink***_


	5. Chapter 4 Michael Cera and Hot Pants

**A/N: That was sorta quick, wasn't it? well we're back with Chapter Four! Thanks to my amazing beta, Mimi! And thank YOU! All of the reviews and alerts have been making my day, keep it up! I'll reply to every review! Enjoy~**

**~Cici**

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**"So, do you usually send bullets through cute little heads? Or did I just win the lottery?" My lips pull into a small smile as the lady killer and I continue our walk down Hickory Highway.

It works out pretty well, actually. Bella had been headed to the College Town area when she found my sorry ass kissing the pavement and we came to the verdict that we would test our luck as allies and continue this fucking glorious voyage together.

"No, you hit the jackpot," Bella says as she lifts her gun, resting it on both of her shoulders. "And plus, most of the heads I encounter aren't as cute as yours. Rotting flesh and distorted body shapes aren't really my type."

Is it even possible to love in Zombieland? Because, I'm pretty fucking close. Beneath her knotted, matted down chocolate brown hair, hiding under her dirty, pale skin is a girl that hates zombies just as much as I do. _And,_ she knows how to fucking shoot a gun. Shit, I need to find a ring pop to put on her finger.

_If only there was a Chuck E. Cheese._

"Hm?"

_Remind me to have a stern talk with the censoring part of my fucked up brain._

"How did you find out about this amaze-fuck turn of events?" I quickly attempt to cover up my slip.

"That lovely source would be my roommate, Jessica."

"Oh and where is she now?"

"On my kitchen floor."

I stop in my track. "Then why isn't sh- Oh. Well that's unfortunate."

"Not really, she was a total bitch. She complained about me over using the blender, well she sure had a fucking fantastic time in that little piece of _Target_ shit."

"Please tell me she was a zombie _before _you gave her the privilege of taking a spin in the blender?"

"Spin," she laughs a little then runs her bruised hand through her hair, tangling her hair in hand in the process to the point where I have to help her pry it out. "Oh yeah, of course. I'm not that much of a cold**-**blooded killer, Edward. You've got to try to eat my spleen before I get _really_ pissed off."

"Good to know," I pull out my Zombie Notebook and pretend to scribble something down. "Avoid spleen," I say slowly, enunciating every syllable.

The barrel of her gun nudges me in the shoulder. "Whoa there, sorry. Just bumped into your loaded gun."

The walk down Hickory Highway is tedious and the breeze decides to take a fucking vacation to the Himalayas. If it weren't for our "What Would the _Friends_ Cast do if They Woke Up and Central Park was Infested with Zombies" game, I'm pretty sure I would have impaled my self with Tiger and some bastards would be playing catch with my liver as we speak.

The pain in my leg revisits in full force and luck seems to be on our side as we near College Town. "Looks like us being allies is bringing us nothing but luck," I say.

Bella rolls her eyes, "C'mon you whiner," and pulls me into the plaza.

The trees are alive, swaying in the breeze**,** and the sun shines brightly in the clear blue sky. Okay, I'm downplaying this. It looks like Call of Duty out here. Most of the trees are hanging by a stick**,** if not completely flattened; the sun hid behind the blanket of clouds that provides an eerie overcast. It was silent as we observe the area; silent**,** but deadly. No sounds of asshole Segway Cops, no frolicking children detained by a leashed backpack, which is really fucking cruel. "Oh here, Logan! Where's this little monkey back pack!" _Yank. _Not the babbling of people on their cell phones. Just the sound of our breathing.

Bella doesn't hesitate as she kicks open the doors of _Super Wal-Mart_ and hauls my ass inside. We make camp in Isle Four and Bella goes hunting for some medical supplies to fix my injured leg. She returns shortly after and easily treats the cut without a problem. We are now eating Lunchables and Un-Crustables like the two luckiest bastards on the planet.

"Ah, the two best 'ables" on the face of this planet," I sigh in content as I lean my back against the cold frame of the shelf.

"Mhm. Nothing like three centimeter crackers and a slice of cheese."

"I prefer the hot dog Lunchable, if I may say so."

"My mood has now been persuaded to hot dog,' Bella's lips form a small smile as her eyes light up and she drops her cracker mid-bite.

I snort. _Her mood is hot dog. Back to 12 year old boy status. Booya._

"I'm gonna go ransack the frozen food section, want anything?" She asks as she stands up.

"Nah, I'm good. Oh wait, get me a Hot Pocket. Fuck yes."

"Hot Pocket Patrol," she salutes then disappears down another Isle.

This was it. I was about to get what I've been waiting for, for my whole life. Okay, for the last two weeks**,** but this shit was eating me alive. Every night, a Hot Pocket would come to me, Ebenezer Scrooge style, and take me along the path of Hot Pockets Past, Present and Future. Naturally, I would be startled awake just as I was about to reach the mother of all Hot Pockets. And here I thought all Disney Movies had a happy ending. But then again, I'm not wearing tights, nor can I ride a horse while simultaneously singing a duet with my future wife, whom I just met.

I lock my hands together behind my head and decide to take a quick cat nap to pass the time. This time in my dream, I'm running down an endless hallway. What's at the end of that hallway? A hot pocket in a microwave. Fucking glorious rotation after rotation. I run and sprint, but nothing gives way. Suddenly, everything becomes black and a single spot light shines above the microwave. I lick my chapped lips and extend my hands forward just as the hallway's dimension problems subside.

_Smash!_

My head flings forward and I'm back in the grocery store, Hot Pocket-less; my breathing ragged. "Dammit. So fucking close, yet so far away," I grip my hair lightly.

_Thump._

"Oh shit, uhm, Edward? Clean up on Isle Seven!"

I fervently blink my eyes before I realize that the voice is Bella's. I quickly grab Tiger and head off towards Isle Seven in one swift move.

"Bella?" I call out.

"Over here! Oh, yeah**,** you're a big papa," I hear another thump and the deep gurgle of a zombie.

I round the Isle to find Bella standing behind a glass freezer door, throwing frozen pizza at a huge ass zombie's distorted body.

"Fuck."

This guy is fucking _massive,_ standing roughly 6 feet 7 inches high and weighing, God, three hundred pounds? We'll call him Tiny, because face it. Every huge guy in a movie's name is Tiny. Tiny's bloody face is pressed up against the class of an open freezer door and his hands bursting through the cracks. Blood drips down the slick glass, pooling onto the floor. Bella's one door down from this mother fucker, thankfully uninjured, from what I see. She launches another tombstone pizza at his head and he roars at the impact.

"Hm, tombstone. Nice pick. You're about to be six feet under, mother fucker!" I yell as I run towards Tiny, Tiger extended above my head.

I bring down Tiger and slash him across Tiny's knee with full force. He stumbles back, the freezer door swinging shut, and barrels into a display of beer. What a waste. His gurgles increase as he pulls himself up, bottles crashing down on his bald head. Tiny slips on the god forsaken beer and crawls towards me, blood trailing behind him. I spin Tiger in my hand and do my light saber pose right before I swing the club, contacting his bruised face. A mixture of spit and blood radiates from the hit and Tiny groans loudly. I glance back to check on Bella**,** who has apparently vanished from Isle Seven. _Perfect._

"Thanks, sweetheart. Leave me in my time of dire need," I mutter out as I pull Tiger back for hopefully the last time.

"Anytime, big daddy," I hear followed by the caulking of a gun and a shot.

The bullet meets Tiny's, most likely pea-shaped brain, and the gurgling ends as he slumps to the floor in a pile of his own blood. And beer. Sweet, sweet beer. I hit him one last time, sealing the deal.

"Pretty sure he's dead, Edward."

"They're all dead before they're really dead," I smile as I prop Tiger over my shoulder. "Thanks for coming back for me."

"Yeah, I didn't really think Death by Tombstone Pizza would work quite as well as I planned," she smiled back slightly before reverting her gaze back to Tiny. "Did I hear you battle cry?" She asked a moment later, a grin spreading across her face.

"I have no idea what you are talking about," I keep my face serious before stepping over Tiny and retrieving two untouched beers.

"'You're about to be six feet under, mother fucker'?" She smirks at me as I stepped over Tiny's corpse again.

"Hey, that rhymed," I point a finger at her; my other's occupied with the death grip on the beer.

"Partially rhymed. I really doubt they teach kids that under and fucker are rhyming words in Pre-School," Bella says, cocking her eyebrow.

"Well, I'm sorry it doesn't fit the curriculum," I smirk as I walk back towards Isle Four.

"Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm all for teaching kids about zombie battle cries," she says following as she holds up her hands defensively.

"It's the way to do it," I tell her as I sit back down on the tile floor of _Super Wal-Mart _and pull out my Handy Dandy Zombie Notebook.

"And what the hell is that?" She questions as she takes her spot next to me.

"This, my friend, this is my Handy Dandy Zombie Notebook," I say matter-of-factly as I turn to the first page.

I give Bella her own personal presentation of my bad ass notebook as she watches intently.

"You killed a zombie with a toilet?" She asks at one point.

"Hey, duty calls." I retort as we both erupt with laughter.

I flip through the pages, highlighting my best and of course, my worst. I tell her about Mrs. Kathy and her nuclear meatloaf that deserves its own story and conclude with EZ and my run-in with the Squeaky Step. Bella nudges me as I flip to the first empty page.

"You don't seem like a guy that has killed 35 zombies."

"And that means…?"

She shrugs. "You act like a nerd**,** but then you whip out your Nine Iron-,"

"Tiger," I correct her.

"You whip out Tiger," she continues with a small smile, "and you're the male version of Buffy the Vampire Slyer mixed with that kid that plays one type of character in all those movies."

"Michael Cera?" I know that's who she means**,** but I ask anyway. People just _love_ telling me that I remind them of this scrawny ass kid.

"Yeah, you're Michael Cera and the male form of Sarah Michelle Gellar from Buffy the Vampire Slayer**,** but with zombies."

"So, what you're telling me is: I'm a scrawny nerd, but I wear hot pants while beating the shit out of zombies?" I say, cocking my eyebrow and giving Bella a smirk.

"Finally!" She laughs throwing her hands in the air. "Someone gets me," she drops her hands and continues laughing as I join her.

The Isles of _Super Wal-Mart _fill with inescapable, contagious laughter and I can only hope that the jack ass zombies can respect bonding time. Our laughing subsides after a few _Lifetime Channel_ worthy minutes pass and I push a beer over to Bella, resting it against her thigh. She examines it for a minute as I crack open mine, take a sip - okay gulp **-** and scribble down:

_36/1: Tiny- Isle Seven._

Bella leans over and points at my writing. "What's the "36/1" mean?" she asks.

I take another sip of my beer before taking Bella's, popping open the cap and placing it back into her awaiting hands

"Drink up, Ms. Swan, because that means this was our first _United_ Zombie Kill."

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**A/N: What did you think? Let me know by clicking the review button! Love to hear your thoughts, it's what makes this story go! **

**~Cici**


	6. Chapter 5 Blame Canada

**A/N: Welcome back readers! I have some news! Edward and Bella have made twitters. *smirks* They are: Zombieward and Zombella1 respectively. Follow them for some good fun! Thanks to Mimi, of course and thanks for all the reviews/alerts. Please keep them up! Here's a question for you all: What would your weapon of choice be? I think mine would be hedge clippers. *wink* Enjoy!**

Banner!: http:/www(dot)flickr(dot)com/photos/39135933N04/4991668008/

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Isle Four of _Super Wal-Mart _succumbs to the gleaming of the rising sun and drowns in its warm presence. Much to my demise, the shinning of a distant object drills into my eyes and forces them to open.

"Fucking Chef Boyardee," I hiss as I throw my hands up to block the wretched glare.

I lay my head back down not yet agreeing with the newly dawned morning and was careful to not disturb my fellow Isle Four refugee. Survivor? Minority? What are we in Zombieland? Bella and I solved this question last night during our first late night "gab sesh".

We agreed that we are not yet survivors, nor are we helpless refugees. We are simply bad ass Americans that put up a fight while remaining the two coolest people on Earth. Spark Notes version? We are Chuck Norris's offspring, minus blood relation. Because, face it, Chuck Norris doesn't share blood.

Talking to a _real _human being last night put life into perspective for me. I don't have to continue life in Zombieland singing _Amazing Grace _to a bunch of meat heads. I don't have to continue life in Zombieland _period_. Bella hates those ugly bastards as much as I do and let me tell you, she does not suppress her views. Last night, Bella showed me who she really is: an aspiring doctor at Seattle University with a voice of her own.

"We don't have to live in a world of fear," she said. "This isn't their world to fuck with. I mean, they're already dead. Give someone else a shot. Someone like us." I can still picture her focused expression and the holographic American Eagle and waving American Flag displayed proudly behind her. Okay, it was one of those clip-on car flags blowing in the portable fan that we hooked up and an American Eagle beanie baby that I found in the toy isle, but hey, who's keeping track?

I sat up in my sleeping bag and surveyed the destroyed Isle Four. Empty bags of Cape Cod. Cracked Sea Salt chips a.k.a. seashore in a bag; they're fucking heaven. Cheetoh dust sprinkled down the length of the Isle. Empty beer bottles rolling with every gust of portable air. It looks as if zombies had passed through; but, no, it's just mine and Bella's semi-fucktastic rave.

I decide to take time before Bella wakes up to clean our home away from home. I quietly squirm out of my sleeping bag before making my way to Isle 16, grab a few heavy duty trash bag boxes and hurry back.

Little by little, Isle Four re-emerges spotless. I dispose of my cleaning materials, wash up in the bathroom and walk back only to be greeted by a groggy Bella.

"Isle…clean," she yawns, rubbing her forehead.

"Oh yeah, some hot maid stopped by. Did a pretty awesome job if you ask me. We should tip her well."

"I take it you found the costume isle."

"I wish. Doilies and black trash bags make a pretty shitty French Maid costume," I smirk as I lean against my nemesis - the Chef Boyardee shelf.

She laughs lightly followed by another yawn. "Hey, if you're tired you should sleep. No one's chasing us," I tell her. "Well, not at the moment anyway."

"No disturbances so far?" I shake my head confirming her question, but she sits up even more anyway.

"Nah, I should get up."

"If you insist," I nod "Hungry? I can make a run to the cereal isle if you'd like."

"I'll get it," she mumbles standing up, stretching a few times.

"I'm just going to go check out the little kid bikes and shit," I say, walking backwards.

"Oh hey, you never got your Hot Pocket. Go resurrect yourself with those before you go have a hay day in the little kid cars," she smiles slightly as she walks out of Isle 4.

"Shit, you're right," I sputter my eyes wide as I make a run for the frozen food isle.

Can it be true? Did Bella's presence distract me from the holy Hot Pocket? Or was it Tiny's sly doing? Fuck, I can't let the Hot Pockets Gods down. As I round the corner, I can practically hear the food of life calling out to me. My eyes focus in on the oh-so familiar, gracious box of goods and I feel my inner animal surfacing. I lick my lips feverishly as I sprint to the doors and rest my hand on the cold window.

"Heaven," I whimper.

My fingers slide across the icy door and grasp onto the handle before ripping it open. My eyes flutter to the labels.

"Four Meat Four Cheese, Four Meat Four Cheese, Four Meat Four Cheese."

I slide my arm back and clear out the entire first row, revealing the final second row.

"Fuck!" I yelp. "Fucking Four Meat and Fucking Four Cheese!" I scream bloody murder as I tear a hole in one of the boxes and launch the god damn blasphemous hunk of shit across the isle.

((**Side Note: I am _extremely _allergic to Canadian Bacon which happens to be one of the four fucking meats located in this particular Hot Pocket from Hell.))

I stumble back and trip on one of the omens, sending my ass to the floor. I grip my hair and let my inner pissed off seven year old override my controls. I yell and bat at the floor, surprised that Bella has not come upon me yet.

"Fucking Canadian Bacon." I breathe out, my energy drained from my tantrum.

I let myself catch my breath before collecting myself and stomping towards another isle. I grab Dove Shampoo and Conditioner, bar of Dove soap and shower crayons, conveniently located down the same isle. I've always wanted to try shower crayons but never seemed to receive the chance. My chance comes now. After practically being told I was born a girl, I think I deserve to shower in my own self pity.

I stalk towards the Employee bathrooms, ripping off my shirt mid step. I freeze as I hear gurgling and tapping resounding from around the corner. So now the bastards are aware of how shitty they smell? I silently curse, realizing I don't have Tiger but then silently praise God - and not the Hot Pocket one, we're on the outs now - as I smoothly open the janitor's closet and retrieve a mop.

I grip it in one hand, holding my belongings in the other, as I carefully round the corner. The proceeding events happen within 10 seconds: Bella screams, I scream, throwing my mop down and dropping my shit.

"What are you doing?" Bella shouts, grabbing her towel to cover herself. "Shower crayons, really?"

"I-I gotta go!" I stutter as I regroup and practically stumble out of the room.

This is the first time I've seen boobs and not only the owner of the boobs, but also I scream. Great.

Count of the day: Edward: 0 Things fucking up my day: 2

I pace back and forth, gripping my hair, as I mumble "Sorry," over and over again. Two minutes later, a freshly cleaned Bella slides out, a hair knotted in her own deliciously fruity smelling hair.

"You use shower crayons," she nods, a hint of a laugh in her voice.

"I thought you were a zombie," I change subjects.

"Ouch. I knew I smelt bad, but not zombie bad," she scoffs.

"No, you smell really good actually," I correct myself then rub my forehead, reminding myself to scold the censoring part of my brain once more. "I heard gurgling and tapping."

"Yeah, it's called brushing your teeth in the shower and tapping your feet, Einstein," she laughs walking past me.

"I thought you were getting food anyway?"

"I was, but then I saw the showers, so I took a detour," she rolls her eyes, letting the rest of the story re play in my head. "Find your precious Hot Pockets?"

"Fucking Canadian Bacon!" I seethe. "Fuck CANADA!"

"Hey, what's this all aboot, eh?" she laughs. "Aboot."

"The Hot Pocket gods decided to shit on my LIFE and fill the store with the _only _flavor of Hot Pocket that I am allergic to," I explain before continuing my outburst. "Fuck PIGS!"

"You have some serious issues that you need to work out. Go try reading a _Teen Bop_ magazine, maybe you can relate to some 12 year old girl's period problems."

"Thanks for the tip," I mutter as she walks away, waving her hand. "Wait, Bella. You're not mad that I…saw you?"

"Well, you didn't seem that interested," she snorts.

"I'm interested," I snap and she raises an eyebrow. "I mean not in you, not that you're not interesting, because you are…really interesting…" I begin my train wreck as I run a hand through my hair. "What I mean is, I'm not like a perv or anything, but I'm not gay. I like woman. I mean, I like guys too, but not in an intimate way. I'll shut up now."

"Good idea," she nods, with a smirk as she saunters down the isle.

A cold shower. That's what I deserve and that's exactly what I get. The frigid water streams down my body renewing every inch as I assess our situation. This is what I know:

Bella and I have made it to the College Town area and are now taking shelter in Isle Four of _Super-Wal-Mart. _

There has only been one zombie attack upon our arrival.

I'm taking the Hot Pocket Company to court and suing them for emotional damage.

I saw boobs for the first time.

I have yet to use my shower crayons.

Now is a good time to use my shower crayons.

I spend the rest of the arctic shower drawing pictures of Bella and me slaying zombies on the walls of the slimy shower. I obviously am one hell of a time manager because when I emerge from the employee bathroom the glass windows of the store are pitch black with darkness.

I join Bella for a quick dinner of frozen pizza that she heated up in the Employee Lounge, a.k.a. the place where _Super-Wal-Mart_ employees get it on during their breaks. And when I say "get it on" I mean a rousing game of Go Fish. I don't think you could call _Super-Wal-Mart_ employees sex addicts. Well, at least not One-Eyed Pete. He scares the shit out of everyone. This brings us to our next event: Go Fish.

"Got any fours?" I ask.

"Go Fish."

"Dammit, another fucking Jack."

Five loosing games for me later, Bella decides to jazz up our game. We ask each other questions and if you would like to refuse the question you simply say: "Go Fish"

Our revised game continues throughout the next five days; questions being thrown when you least expect them. Bella learns that I am on my way home in hopes of finding my family back in Forks, Washington and I learn that she too is going back to Forks in search of her own family. We share a Twilight Zone moment when we learn that our families live in the same small town and an even bigger Twilight Zone moment when she says she knows who my father is. I guess Bella's father got in touch with my father, Carlisle, and together they helped Bella narrow down her options on Medical Schools, eventually deciding upon Seattle University's medical program which landed her in this fantastical situation.

One night as we are drifting to sleep, I ask her if she's ever been kissed and she sleepily replies with a small laugh: "Go Fish and fuck yourself." My love is affirmed.

Our routines are ever-changing. Fuck shit up in the Big Wheels isle one day, the occasional squirt gun fight down Isle 27 the next. Creating raunchy concoctions with the unusable Hot Pocket products that I cannot bear to look at. Showers in the questionable restrooms. Sleeping one night on a newly found air mattress, passing out down the liquor isle the next. One thing stays the same: the absence of zombies.

We consider moving on, but eventually veto the option of leaving our food, water and shelter supply. Although the phones are down and there is no connection with the outside world, _Super-Wal-Mart_ is a fucking paradise compared to running down Hickory Highway, organ eating savages in tow.

"You change your mind like a girl changes clothes. Yeah you PMS like a bitch, I would know. And you over think, always speak cryptically, I should know that you're no good for me!" I belt out loudly as I hear muffled laughter behind me. I turn to find Bella on the floor, holding her sides behind a Miley Cyrus cut out.

"'Cause you're hot then your cold. You're yes then your no, you're in than your out, you're up and you're down. You're wrong when its right, it's black and it's white. We fight we break up, we kiss we make up!" I sing louder as I pucker my lips and Bella starts hyperventilating.

"H-holy s-shit on rice krispies, _please_ stop!"

I come to her side, laughing along with her. "Looks like you made a friend," I grin tapping the Miley Cyrus cut out. "She's even a whore in cardboard," I fake a gasp.

"She'd be a whore even as a Barbie doll."

"I believe that would make her a Bratz doll."

Bella falls into a fit of laughter once more, pulling me under with her.

"Ten days in _Super-Wal-Mart _and we've accomplished shit," Bella mumbles as we lay under the clouds of drowsiness.

"I think we've accomplished loads of shit," I counter.

"We're going to end up with Cheetoh addictions if we don't stop."

"Mmm, Cheetohs. I don't fully oppose."

We drift to sleep a few "Go Fish" later, but this time it isn't the morning sun to wake me. It's Bella.

"Shit. Edward. Up. NOW," she vigorously shakes me.

"I told y-you yesterday," I yawn. "The Eggos are on the top shelf."

"Shut the fuck up!" she snaps, ripping the sleeping bag back.

"I'm up!" I yell, shaking my bed head, standing up. "What's the problem, captain?"

"We've got company," she murmurs now. "And lot's of it."

Bella pulls me down the Isle as her words start to make sense. I hear banging, louder and louder as we come closer and closer. Snarls, tapping, pounding and the sound of squeaking. A zombie's mangled hands clawing at the glass, blood staining the windows.

The scene unfolding in front of me proves my ears right. The windows are foggy, but I can make out the night sky behind it.

"What time is it?" I swallow hard.

"Seven a.m."

"Then why is it dark…?" I trail off.

"It's not, Edward. They're just so many of them to the point where they're blocking the sunlight."

I narrow my eyes, stepping slightly closer as my eyes focus on dark figures that line the windows as far as my eyes let me see. "Shit."

"My words exactly."

The banging becomes more rapid and Bella pulls me back at a safe distance.

"How long do you think the windows will hold them?" She asks.

Almost on cue, a loud crash permeates through the dark isles and a beam of sunlight snakes in.

"Not long," I confirm.

Gurgles flood _Super-Wal-Mart_ and a few more crashes follow from farther down.

"We need to get to the Garden Center. They have things we can use there," Bella says, panic tingeing her voice.

"Good thinking. We need to move," I begin moving back into Isle Four. "Now, Bella!"

_Thump. Thump._

_Snarl._

_Gurgle._

_Crash!_

The viscous cycle repeats itself as our race against the clock begins.


	7. Chapter 6 Yellow Crocs Equal Death

**A/N: So, that was a juicy cliffhanger there, wasn't it? Well, wait no more; here it is!**

**Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories! And for this chapter, the lovely Lauren. Mimi, enjoy your vacation, girl!**

**Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people!**

**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**

**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**

**Tiny Self Pimp: Check out my other story Caring is Creepy on my profile! Great fun in there!**

**~~Itsy bitsy bit of "gore". What can I say? Sometimes you need to chop a head off.~~**

**I love writing this story so I really hope you guys enjoy!**

**~Cici

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The isle shelves blur around us as Bella and I sprint towards the Garden Section of _Super-Walmart. _

"Grab whatever your eyes see as useful," I command quickly as we enter the garden tools isle.

Bella's hands reach for a Two-Wheel Rotary and I mentally approve as she pulls it back and steadies the tool in her hand. This thing looks like a pissed off porcupine on the end of a wooden pole. Excellent. She tests the rotation then nods once at me before turning her back on the shelf.

My eyes zoom down shelf after shelf before settling on my two weapons of choice: Fiskars Power-Level Hedge Trimmers and a Combination Hoe and Cultivator. A stream of sunlight hits the tools as my eyes study each one. I feel like one bad ass gladiator. Perfect.

"It's time to nut up or shut up," Bella tosses me a smile that I absent mindedly return, despite the situation.

"Go for the safe kill. No show off business, okay?"

"Agreed," she nods. "Let's get this over with as quickly as possible," Her eyes roam back to the Garden Center entrance and she frowns slightly.

"Shake and Bake."

Bella's eyes glaze over and in that moment I want to shake her out of whatever crazy, fucked up death she sees lying ahead of her. But the truth is, I can't tell her everything is going to be peachy keen. Fuck, I don't know if we'll be left with intact internal organs in the next five minutes.

"Come on." We take off down the garden tools isle and the sliding doors of the Garden Center open as the cold, familiar air of _Super-Walmart _whips past us.

"What's the plan?" Bella breathes.

"Stay alive and get somewhere zombie-free."

"Simple," she says sarcastically.

I step forward as Bella mimics my step. I put my hand up for her to wait as I take a few more steps and confirm that there are no zombies in a three isle radius. I signal for Bella to follow and we move quickly but quietly down the isles.

I'm confused as to where the bastards are. Could they have evolved and now exhibit a functioning brain? Do they form thoughts other than: "Shit, that's one tasty spleen." ? Are they hiding at the end of each isle, waiting to get their grimy hands on us? There's only one way to find out…

I turn to Bella and motion for her to step back; I place one hand over my lips asking her to keep quiet and she nods once but gives me a quizzical look. I shake my head as I turn and grip my Hedge Trimmers as I set the Hoe/Cultivator on the floor carefully. I exhale deeply before running down the rest of the isle, trimmers ready, and meet the end of the isle, expecting a congregation of zombies waiting to gang bang.

"Die, fuckers!" I screech.

I skid to a stop and look to my left. Nothing. I turn back to Bella and she looks at me with a worried yet "You need to be in a mental hospital" expression.

I chuckle quietly, embarrassed as I realize that my plan to surprise the zombies "waiting" at the end of the isle has greatly fallen down the shitter. Or did it? The echo of my soft chuckle mixes with sounds that only a zombie or constipated man could produce. I slowly turn back to the isle and look to my right. Land Ho.

Ten zombies clawing at each other now turn to my attention and I swear one smirks.

"Hey…" I choke out. "Bella?" I clear my voice. "Found the guests of honor. Run."

I quickly turn my back on the fuckers, pick up my Hoe/Cultivator and run back to Bella before gently pushing her forward. "Run!"

I glance back as we turn down another isle just as they round the previous corner. They are beasts clawing at each other, snapping their jaws itching to be the first to rip apart our stomachs.

"How many?" Bella sputters.

"About ten. Don't slow down."

I decide that if we're going to take care of these bitches, we can't be cluttered down a tiny isle and we _need_ to take care of them before they attract more company. I pull Bella towards the main isle of _Super-Walmart_, the perfect spot for the impending bloodbath.

"We're going to take care of this, right here, right now. Okay?"

"Now or never," she concurs with a sigh.

I stuff the Hedge Trimmers into the back of my jeans and pray to the testicle gods that it doesn't betray me and shift mid-fight. I toss the Hoe and Cultivator combo-HC- between my hands before gripping it tightly. I twist my back, cracking it and rinse and repeat, this time with my neck.

"Limber up," I bounce off Bella's small smirk.

Bella inhales as she closes her eyes and turns her back to me. "Three…"

I line my back with hers.

"Two…"

I press into her.

"One…"

Together, we raise our weapons as the stench pervades from the grimy sons of bitches. Or daughters. I think I see a blood red bow bobbing up and down. Ha. How ironic. Blood red seems to be the color of the day.

It seems an equal fight as five stumble towards me and five trip towards Bella. I feel our bodies tense in unison as we wait for the assholes to come within reach.

"Now!" Bella yells and we break apart at her command.

I drive the HC into one lucky zombie's head as it lurches back with an ear piercing screech. I plant my leg on his knee as I forcefully pull the HC from it's gouge and stab it once more into his head before retrieving it just as he slumps to the ground.

"Sleep tight."

I glance over at Bella and relief washes over me as she knocks one zombie's head clean off with her rotary. It tumbles to the floor and the red bow meets my eyes.

"She knew how to accessorize her outfit but not her game," I smirk as Bella lets out a small snort as she turns to face yet another zombie. This time, she uses the pole to trip the zombie and finish him off with that fucked up porcupine.

I revert my focus back to my own job and duck just in time as what I identify to be a smirking zombie reaches for my neck.

"Incoming!" I yell as I stoop to the ground, prop my feet up as the smirk-a-nator trips onto me, airplane style. I use all my strength to push up and fling the zombie up and behind me. He crashes to the ground as Bella's wooden pole meets his head.

I regain my stance and drop my HC as I pull out the Hedge Trimmers-thank fuck everything is still intact-and go into landscaper mode. I picture the three remaining zombies heads as plump, ripe blue berries that are ready for some bonding time as a smile creeps upon my lips.

I snip the trimmers together as I charge the first zombie, slicing off his head without a problem. I spin as I sever the second one from behind. They fall to the floor simultaneously as I ready myself for the third that seems to have vanished from my vision.

I furrow my eyebrows as I quickly turn and find Bella finishing off one as my last berry closes in on her from behind. She retracts the rotary from his eye socket as she steps back with a small stumble.

"Fuck, that's nasty**.**" she flings something off of her hand as time around me slows.

The fucking, gross-ass zombie's hands snap at the air surrounding Bella as she begins to slowly turn. My dry mouth refuses to allow me to call out to Bella and my body compensates for this as it goes into overdrive. I bound over the bodies of the picked berries, doing my best to not use this time to be the clumsy ass that I am. Flash overrides my controls and I zoom towards Bella who I refuse to let become dinner to this asshole that's wearing yellow Crocs.

My Hedge Trimmers clamp onto the sneaky bastard's arm as Bella becomes parallel with him. The zombie flinches back, giving me enough time to finish business. He falls to the ground with a finishing thump even more detached then he was before.

"That's what you get for wearing yellow Crocs."

"Looks like I'm the damsel in distress," Bella scoffs. "Fuck me."

"What? You don't like being saved by really, really, ridiculously good-looking people?" I smirk.

"God, I would _kill_ to watch Zoolander right now," Bella muses with a smile.

"Well, that doesn't seem too far-fetched," I grin, reverting my attention to the fallen zombies then back to Bella. She rolls her eyes and fails to stifle a giggle.

"Told you we'd be alright," I make my way to her.

"Yeah, you did. Should have actually believed you."

"Ouch," I mock a hurt expression.

"Yeah, yeah. Go cry in a corner with your hedge trimmers."

"This is almost worse than the time I saw The Notebook."

"You did _not_ cry during The Notebook."

"I did not cry during The Notebook."

Bella shakes her head as she walks past me, her rotary trailing behind her.

"I think I may start calling your little rotary there, Rosary."

"Like the prayer beads?"

"Yep."

"Wow, you just signed your ticket to Hell."

"And why is that?"

She stops to look at me. "You're calling a killing machine, Rosary. You pray the Rosary, dumbass. So you're calling this little thing," she spins the rotary. "Holy."

"If it saved our asses, I'd call it Holy any day."

"Call me when Hell freezes over."

"Or when pigs fly?"

"No, when Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie marry."

"Why not when they adopt or have another kid? That would be a _hell_ of a lot quicker."

"Your missing my point," she smirks.

"Oh, damn!" I finally connect. "You're a mean, mean person, Isabella Swan! I just saved your ass and I get this?" I push her lightly.

"You're right, you're right,"she turns to face me again, looking away. "Thank you, Edward**.**" she smiles slightly, avoiding my gaze.

"You are most certainly welcome," I smirk, walking ahead of her when I get a swift kick in the ass.

"Hm, your ass looks really good in skinny jeans," Bella raises an eyebrow.

"You are the third person to say that, get in line."

"Geeze, Hugh Hefner."

"They were all guys."

"Or PeeWee Herman," she laughs.

I shake my head, chuckling. Every good moment comes to an end; I hear something hit the floor with a clamor. Our laughing buries itself into the ground as everything becomes still. I take a few steps forward and lower myself to the ground to see under the isle shelves. I focus in as another crash resounds and I see a pair of feet. Then another. Then three more. Add four. Multiply by two. Oh, divide by two-that guy doesn't have any legs.

I force myself up and look at Bella.

"How many?

"Too many."

"We can take them, Edward. We did bef-,"

"Yeah, when we had energy and only ten. There's at least twice maybe three times as many in the store right now; we need to get somewhere else," I trail off more to myself.

"Like where, huh? Hide in the freezers? Oh, I know! Stand on top of the toilets like we're in middle school." She offers, sarcasm cresting over every syllable.

Our voices must have attracted the fellow un-dead customers of _Super-Walmart_ because they now reach the end of the isle and begin stampeding towards us; almost a repeat of before.

"Or we can shit out pants and stand here," she spits out.

"I know I say this a lot but, RUN."

I get a firm hold of Bella's hand and pull her next to me as we take off towards any safe haven we can scope out. My mind blazes through my memory, searching for anything, anything at all. Bathrooms: not secure enough. Garden Center: also not safe enough. Janitor's Closet: too small. Freezer: Really? Employee Lounge: The Price is Right.

"Employee Lounge," I say breathlessly.

As we take a sharp turn I observe the marathon runners in our tow and the sight almost makes me want to stop right here and cry for my Aunt Esme to make everything go away. But there's no crying in Zombieland. No. Tears don't posses magical powers here. The girl next to me keeps me from capitulating. The girl next to me keeps my legs moving and my grip strong.

I try to count out the number of the zombies but my over-focusing sabotages my journey to move forward sending not only me but Bella to the ground. We topple over each other on our way down and become a tangled mess of Twister. The zombies catch up and close in on us. Five yards…four yards….three…yards.

I hear Bella's breathing hitch as they become within reach and my hands cannot move quick enough. I am not fucking dying in the feminine hygiene isle of _Super-Walmart._

"Bella!" I snap her out of her trance and she untangles herself as well as me with ease. She pulls me up and we barrel towards the door of the Employee Lounge.

My hands fumble with the lock and I know why I was given the nickname "butterfingers" in High School.

"Move!" Bella screeches and I obey.

She takes a step back before connecting her foot into the center of the door, sending it open. She pushes me through the doorway into the darkness of the Employee Lounge before slamming the door shut behind her and falling onto the ground next to me.

We lie there breathlessly as the pounding on the door begins. Their nails scraping along the door, up and down; down and up. I crawl through the darkness, tracing the wall before finally switching the lights on and silently walking over to the vending machine. I unplug the back and use what's left of my strength to push it in front of the door. Bella watches me closely then stands up, grabs the microwave off the table and slides it on the floor next to the vending machine. I add a water bottle to the top.

I observe the lounge: one couch, a table with two chairs, a connecting bathroom, a coffee table with a few magazines, a coffee pot, and a mini fridge. I wander over to the couch, sit down on the soft cushion and look at the choice of magazines. I really hope it takes me more than 30 seconds to master the "Beiber Hair Flip" or someone is going to overdose on Sweet'N Low sugar packets.

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**A/N: God damn, Beiber.**


	8. Chapter 7 The Powers of a Hormonal Teen

**A/N: Pretty quick, eh?**

**Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories! And for this chapter, the lovely Lauren. Mimi, enjoy your vacation, girl!**

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**~~Note~~ The title cut me off so here is the real title of this chapter:**

**Chapter Seven: The Wondrous Powers of the Hormonal Teenager**

**~Cici**

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One flick of Beiber's hair and girls around the world harmonize in a hormonal driven squeal. A squeal that makes me wish I lived in simpler times when iced tips and the memorization of an Nysnc song was enough to win a girl's attention. Oh yeah, that and a time without these stinky bastards clawing at the Employee Lounge door like fucking jungle cats.

I straighten my back against the rigid wall and prepare myself to win the affection of the girl across the room from me. If pubescent boys of today can gain attention from their equally pubescent girls of today; then shit, here's one for Justin Timberlake. "So…Bella," I raise an eyebrow. "How are you today, Bella?"

"I'm fine…Edward," she draws out her reply with a quizzical "what the fuck" look.

"Good to know, Bella. Hey, Bella, may I interest you in a handful of stale Gold Fish?"

If my calculations are correct-which they are- then I used Bella's name 36 times per hour for 9 hours, making the total use of first name: 324.

_Excessive use of the first name: Check._

_Result: Fistful of Gold Fish in the face after rounding 200. _

We fall asleep almost as one; the banging of our fellow _Super-Walmart_ shoppers drowning out at a steady pace.

Almost like clockwork, as Bella and I move about in the confines of the Employee Lounge, our personal organ guards stir. I test my luck by slipping a few Gold Fish under the door but do I receive a note saying "Thank You" like I should? Not on your life. Instead, one testy bastard head butts the door sending the microwave down in an avalanche.

"Whoops, forgot they don't make LIVER FLAVORED GOLD FISH!" I scream at the door as I shove the $15.99 microwave back on top of the mountain of appliances.

"Please, Edward, you know they prefer lung, any day, Edward," she flicks her eyebrow up. _Oh damn, reverse psychology. _

"My fault, I should have been more sensitive," I slide down the wall next to Ms. Two-Can-Play-At-That-Game.

"Right you are, Edward. Edward."

I nudge her in the shoulder.

_Body Contact: Check. _

Then again because I like where I'm headed.

"What do you have Tourette's or something?"

"Mild case," I pinch my fingers together, emphasizing the small space. "Muy pequeno."

"I'd go with muy grande," she winks, resting her hand on top of my knee.

_Damn, she fights fire with fire. I hope there's a fire alarm in here because it's about to get H-O-T HOT._

"You know what else is muy grande?" I cock an eyebrow, accompanied by a smirk as I lean in close.

"Don't even," she laughs, stretching away from me.

"What? I was going to say my passionate advocacy for endangered species," I smirk, laughing.

"Oh, I bet. And what is the percent of endangered aquatic life in the Northern Hemisphere, Mr. Save the Whales?"

"I'm going to go with 69%."

"Why such a- you have problems."

"Why? 69 is a strong, zealous number that is the basis of my life, Bel-la," I drag out her name hoping to send hearts out of her head like a cartoon character.

She shakes her head with a small smirk as I step towards her. I put my hands on top of both her shoulders. "Bella…" _Two birds, one stone. _

"Edward…" she humors me.

"Would you like to accompany me to a Beiber concert," I check the magazine page where the title reads: _How to Give Your Date Her Dream Date. _"Where we will sit front row, wave our hands in the air, share a kiss and receive back stage passes to meet the one and only?"

"Swooooon," she giggles, peering over the magazine. "I can't deny my dream date, so yes, Edward. I will go to a Justin Beiber concert so you can confess your love for his hair, Edward," she rubs my shoulders then pats my cheek.

"Fuck, we make a good team," I give her a quick kiss on the cheek.

* * *

"You know what I say to that? I raise you _two _Kevin Jonas's."

"Well damn, hmm…I see your Kevin Jonasi and I raise you _three_ Aaron Carters."

Bella slams her hand to the table then slowly flattens her hand as an evil look plays upon her face. "I give you a Lindsay Lohan"

"That's it, I fold," I chuckles, tossing her my cut-out teen celebrities at her face.

"OMG it's like totally raining Miley Cyrus!"

"Oh you lucky bitch, all I got was that flesh colored beard kid from The Hills," I sigh, pulling Bella back to lie amid the paper.

"Spencer Pratt?"

"Fleshy!" I hoot.

Day Three in the Employee Lounge begins to wind down and the pain in my back from sleeping on the floor begins to nestle in. I massage my lower back and give a quick stretch as Bella settles herself into the couch. Her eyes focus on me and a small frown escapes.

"You know you could…sleep on the couch-"

"You take it," I cut her off.

"-with me," She finishes. "I hardly take up any room anyway…" she trails off, biting her lip.

"Would you be okay with that?"

She nods and I look back at my previous sleeping quarters to see if I'm being a total girl over this. I'm not. I refuse to sleep like an untrained puppy again.

I make my way to the couch and Bella sits up and slides over into the crease of the couch as she lifts up a blanket. I lower myself onto the couch as I sink into the squishy goodness. I ignore the UCS-Unidentified Couch Stains- and Bella drops the soft blanket over us.

My body relaxes after a minute and Bella morphs into me, her head resting on my chest, her side against mine. My hand swims over her and cradles her in a moment of safety.

"Thank you," I whisper softly into her ear.

"For what?" she whispers back.

"For sharing the couch…and sticking with me. I couldn't have done this without you."

"I know you couldn't, because…neither could I."

Zombieland is full of guards. Organ guards. Safety Guards. Personal Guards. But tonight, I feel as if Bella's letting down her guard for me. She's letting me in because, well, I am the only one to let in. Maybe that's not entirely it. Maybe deep down she hopes that I'll put a Ring Pop on her finger one day. Maybe deep down she's happy that I'm sharing this couch with her tonight. Even though she might be the only woman left on the planet that doesn't want eat my internal organs, I would have picked her anyway.

Tonight, the banging doesn't silence and too soon the safety of the couch-UCS and all-vanishes into the night leaving no trail to hold.

"You're not asleep, are you?" I mumble quietly.

"Nope," she fights the worry in her voice.

"They're not going to get in here, Bella."

"How do you k-know?" her voice breaks as the pounding increases.

"Well, you know what I saw under the door today?"

"What?" she asks, hopeful.

"Those Green Soldiers from Toy Story." She snorts. "I'm serious. It was the cutest thing ever. They're all lined up around the door, standing guard," I chuckle lightly.

"I'm not six, Edward." She giggles, initiating a yawn.

"Maybe you should pretend you are," I say softly, rubbing her arm. "When I was younger I was completely convinced a monster from _Are You Afraid of the Dark? _set up camp in my closet and do you know what my Aunt Esme told me?"

"Hm?" I can feel the tension slowly dripping out of every word.

"My Aunt Esme told me that all the Super Heroes from my comic books stepped out of the pages," I begin slowly, my voice a whisper tickling her ear. "That every action figure and every stuffed animal stood in front of that closet, making sure that my closet door didn't even budge."

"You believed her?"

"Without a doubt," I say confidently.

"A-and…you want me to believe you?"

"I want you to believe whatever makes you feel safe."

"Then…I believe that you care…about me," she mumbles, her eyes fluttering to a close.

"Good, start with the truth," I whisper, kissing the side of her head.

* * *

"How did you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Lull me to sleep like a fucking baby," she muses, dumping the rest of the Gold Fish into her hand.

"Was that a bad thing?" I take a few that she offers and pops them into my mouth.

"No, God no. It was goddamn genius."

"Glad I could help." I smile.

"I kinda want to get you on a recording and play it to myself every night," she laughs. "Like some lame meditation thing."

"Why record when you can have the real thing?"

"Really? You'd do that for me?"

"Sure, why not?"

"You're hired." she grins. "At least the banging finally stopped," she states, finishing the Gold Fish.

"Yeah, it stopped late last night," I nod.

"Damn, no more Gold Fish," she frowns. "Want some crackers?" She picks up the bag and dumps crumbs into her hands. "Just kidding…"

"Shit, are we out?"

Bella searches the Lounge as I observe the empty vending machine.

"Bloody perfect." I groan.

"Nothing. Nothing at all," she sighs. "What are we going to do?"

"I've heard the human thigh contains a shit load of protein."

"Ah, ah. You are _not_ going Zombie on me."

"What kind of person do you think I am? I would offer mine before going after yours, Bella. Shit," I smirk.

"Ki-inda not the time," she enunciates her words.

"Fair enough," I shrug. "So, I'll just go out there and grab some stuff. It seems pretty quiet now, anyway."

"Hell no. You're not going out by yourself. I'm coming with you."

"Bella, I don't th-"

"I think it's a great idea. Suit up, Cullen."

I think up every plausible excuse in the book from "Pretty Please with a Strip Steak on top?" to "You could be holding the last seed that sprouts the life of our endangered race". Every answer is the same and before I know it, we're stationed in front of the cleared door, tools in hand.

"No funky shit, agreed?"

"Yessir. In for the goods, out like a light," she nods.

"You seem way too eager."

"I'm eager for some zombie ass, sue me."

I sigh. "Don't get cocky, please. Believe me, I'm ready to beat these bitches just as much as you are but-"

"Can we just go?"

"Fine." I wrestle the door open and step out into the silent _Super-Walmart. _"Be careful, stick together."

"Yeah, yeah. Please and thank you."

My hand secures Bella's wrist and I lead her down an isle. We carefully grab boxes and bags of non perishable food and a few cases of water.

"Should we get a cart?" Bella jokes.

"More like five, I feel like a goddamn looter."

"Cape Cod or Lays?"

"Both. Definitely both."

"I'm loving your train of thought, Edward." She smiles.

"I kinda feel like we need to leave a giant IOU." I laugh.

"Yes, Dear _Super-Walmart_ IOU a shit load of stuff."

I kneel down on the ground and praise the shelves. "We are forever in your debt," I laugh.

I never knew until now that you can praise a little too loudly.

_Smash!_

_Thump. Thump. Thump._

"Shit, grab and go, now!"

We retrieve our loot and race down the isles. With every wrong turn something falls. A second lost. Maybe even a limb. Every turn of a head results in a collision with a shelf. The zombies gain on us as Bella stumbles to the floor, her possessions dispersing. I quickly bend down, collecting what I can before hauling her back up and pushing her forward.

"We shouldn't have gone this far in," I mutter under my breath.

I push Bella farther ahead as I take a look back. My leg hits the side of a shelf sending me to the floor as my leg erupts in a sharp pain. I cry out loudly as the stench hits my nose and Bella halts to a stop.

"Edward, get up! Fuck!" She half drags and half pulls me up. I drag my throbbing leg as I use every ounce of strength to make it back into the lounge.

I see the terror in Bella's eyes and I know tonight is going to be restless. She throws open the door as she grabs my hand and throws me in before slamming the door shut behind us. We collapse to the ground, the only sounds our conjoined breathing and the expected banging and scratching of the door.

Bella sits up amid the collected good as she narrows in on something on the ground. I follow her gaze to a pool of red liquid: blood. When I realize the pool of blood is my own, I know we are in deep shit.

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**_A/N: *bites nails*_**


	9. Chapter 8 Doctor Give Me The Blues

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories! And for this chapter, the lovely Lauren. Mimi, enjoy your vacation, girl!**

**Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out!**

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**~~Note~~ The title cut me off so here is the real title of this chapter:**

**Chapter Eight: Doctor, Doctor, Give Me The Blues**

**~Cici**

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The door shakes upon impact and the dilatory banging settles in. Blow after blow after blow. I fear that in this fucking moment they may gain access into our safe haven and we're not remotely close to being ready.

"Vending machine," I nod towards the door and Bella hastily pushes it in front of the door.

I take a look at my leg and immediately regret it. This is fucking bad. The bleeding isn't receding and with every whiff of air I shiver in pain. God knows how deep it punctured.

"Fuck…" I breathe out, focusing my eyes on the corner of the room.

"Shit," Bella mumbles, bending down next to me. "It's like two and a half inches deep." _Hey God, thanks for showing up._

"Perfect." I nod, swallowing hard.

You may think I'm a pussy for freaking over my own blood when I whack off- ha whack off- zombies heads on a daily basis. But there's a difference between victory blood and your own. Victory blood comes in many forms: Video Games, Movies, TV shows, Fight Club, Zombie Invasion and yeah when you decapitate some foul looking asshole's head- it's pretty fucking glorious. But when you stare down at a gaping hole in your leg, three strikes and I'm out.

"Wait, you're a doctor, right? You can fix this."

"Pre-Med," she corrects. "And I don't know if I can…" she bites her bottom lip. "I'll check for a First Aid kit; don't move your leg."

"Not a problem," I salute.

Another wave of pain flows through me and it feels like daggers this time- like an acupuncturist giving payback to an ex-boyfriend. I can't fight the whimper nestling itself in my throat and when the pain forces my mouth open the sissy whimper escapes into the open air.

"Deep breaths, Edward, you need to stay calm or you may go into shock which will complicate this whole shitastic event," she commands, digging around in a closet.

"Bella, it's twitching. My leg is t-twitching. You said not to move it and I listened but it's disobeying y-you," I sputter as I feel like I just received a heart transplant…in my leg.

"Breathe, Edward!"

I remember seeing women who are in labor doing that breathing thing that starts with an "L" on Baby Story, so I decide to start there.

_Breath. Breath. Release. Breath .Breath. Release._

"Too fast, slow it down."

_Deep breath. Slow Release. Rinse. Repeat._

"Good, keep it just like that," Bella soothes, joining my breathing and she shuts the closet door and rummages around the lounge.

Pain Round Two doesn't give a polite courtesy wait or even a "Hey, I'm about to make you feel like a T-Rex is using your leg as a chew toy" or something of that nature. Nope. Pain Round Two is out for blood and that's what it gets. My head falls back as I squeeze my eyes tight just as another whimper- no, more like shriek- barrels out of my throat. Bella drops something on the ground in response and she hurries to pick it up and make her way back to me.

"There's not much but this will have to be enough for right now," she says more to herself as she rips open a moist towelette with her teeth.

"G-great my leg is going to smell of blood and LEMON!" My voice picks up as another scream takes the reigns.

Bella's face twists as she waits for the scream to cut off. It doesn't.

"This is going to sting a little," she whispers before laying the towelette on the cut.

Congratulations to Isabella Swan with the understatement of the year award!

"FUUU-CK!"

Bella joins in yelling which helps slightly. She collapses on the floor as she purses her lips, looking around in panic.

"I don't know what to do…" she mumbles. "I never should have skipped that fucking class for Jello-Shots!" _Seems plausible in my book. Jello Shots? Two hour long movie in a desk that's made out of sand paper?_

"Just do s-something," I manage to get out before letting out yet another cry of pain.

Bella bolts up and throws the closet door open before retrieving the mop. She holds the end of the mop between her feet as she plucks strand by strand off of the mop head.

"No one wears belts anymore because they like showing off their fucking ass cracks," She grumbles, tying the strands of the mop together.

She huffs as she completes whatever the hell she's doing and kneels back down next to me in my state of fucking agony.

"This is going to hopefully slow the bleeding," she states, wrapping the home made tourniquet around my leg and tying it tightly. "Does it feel like it's going to cut off your circulation?"

"Y-yes! Loosen it!"

"Good," she nods, grabbing another towelette before waving it across my eyes giving me time to stuff my shirt in my mouth.

Thankfully, she doesn't leave it on this time but rather she carefully cleans the edge of the cut.

"We need more than this," she spits to herself. "How did you manage this? I need to know so I know how to treat you properly. Fuck, it wasn't a zombie, was it?"

"N-no, no zombies."

"Good," she nods, relieved."

"T-that," I gesture to my Hedge Trimmers with my chin and her eyes widen slightly.

She rises once again and walks into the bathroom. I can hear things hitting the ground and random "fucks". She retreats empty handed with a grim look on her face.

"W-what?"

"I thought they would have more than moist towelettes and a mother fucking finger splint."

"You c-can't fix t-this with a f-finger splint?" "I'm not a miracle worker, Edward."

"T-that's not w-what they say on ER."

She half-sighs, half-groans as she lets her head fall into her hands, tugging on her hair.

"You should try to rest while I try to figure all this shit out."

I nod once obeying the doctor's orders. Hell, don't upset the lady who calls the shots…literally.

"Tell me if you need anything or the pain worsens or changes," she says flatly as she helps me to the couch. She eases me down and gives me a hopeful smile before walking across the room and lining her back with the wall. She slides down it and her face changes into what I assume is her getting into her "Fuck off, I'm thinking critically" zone.

I shut my eyes tightly, hoping to somehow stop the pain, as if that will work. It doesn't and I'm not that shocked that a third gush of pain prances on in and drop kicks me. I refuse to let myself act like a sissy in front of Bella especially when she's trying to figure out a way to stop all this fucking pain. I shove a pillow-not giving a shit where it has been- into my mouth and bite down hard.

The pillow is not like something Billy Mays-RIP, man- would sell on TV that cancels out all possible noise in a 3 yard radius. This is like the 99 cent store version. The thing you buy saying "Shit! This is 99 cents? Let me buy 20 all in different colors," only to find out it smells like that creepy cat lady next door and doesn't do anything it's supposed to. Kinda like The Bacon Genie, if you will.

Bella sighs quietly and mumbles something that I can't make out. Her face tells me she's worried and that scares me most. She needs me and I need her and without both of us in top shape, things could get ugly real fast.

My eyes flutter open as I gasp for air. I shove the pillow away from my face and cringe at the sudden movement.

"Sleep." Bella's calm but tired voice says.

I close my eyes once more and this time drift into a deep sleep. I haven't dreamed much since Zombieland thrust itself upon me but I do this time; I float away. Typically, it's a nightmare not a dream and in this nightmare there's not some turbid message; it's plain and clear: Get medicine.

I lie on the couch as Zombies break into the Employee Lounge without a problem. I lie there, helpless as Bella tries to fight them off. I try to move, I try to save her but they're just too strong…things fade into an eerie darkness as her screams morph into gurgles. I lost. Losing her means losing the fight to live. Losing her means losing myself. Keep. Her. Alive. The screams increase again until they force me awake only to find that they are my own.

I'm panting, sweat glazing my entire body as a worried Bella leans over me. She's dabbing my face with a washcloth as my screaming ceases. My eyes dart around the room: safe. I close my eyes as I catch my breath and try to muster up enough strength to talk.

"I…," I try to put the dryness in my mouth cuts me off. Bella grabs a bottle off of the floor and fits the straw into my mouth as I take a few big gulps. She feels my forehead then pulls her hand back, saying something with the words "Fever" and "Infected".

"We need to get you something," she steals my own thought.

I nod numbly as I swallow the rest of the juice and lean up carefully on my elbows. "I-I n-need…to g-o out there a-and g-get medicine," I mirror her.

"You're too sick, Edward," she shakes her head as she focuses her eyes on the wall; her expression blank. "I have to go out there."

"N-no!" I muster.

"You need penicillin. I'm sure they have some in the Pharmacy. This _is Super-Walmart _after all."

"I-I'll b-be fine."

"No," she laughs without humor; just terror hiding in the shadows. "Your leg is infected; if you want to walk out of here with both of your legs then I need to go get you penicillin."

I try to fight her advances but she's determined to retrieve the penicillin and believe me, I want the fucking penicillin but I want to be the one to get it, not her. My dream flutters back. Me lying on the couch helpless as I watch her get torn to pieces right before my eyes. The screaming knocks me back into reality and I know she has to do it. If I want to be able to protect her and get her out of this shit hole of a corner we locked ourselves in, then I need to let her go and get the penicillin.

I sigh. "O-okay, but wait u-until tom-orrow morning."

"Edward, we might not have the tim-,"

"Just a f-ew more hours," I press and she nods timidly.

She grabs a blanket out of the closet and without asking she curls up next to me, just like the other day. She's careful to avoid my leg and I'm careful to keep my leg away from her. We lie there in silence for a while; she breaks the silence first.

"You know, there's green soldiers lined up outside the door, protecting us," I feel her smile against my side and I smile slightly back.

"I-s…that so?"

"Mhm," she nods. "And they're watching over us. I asked them earlier, they said we're going to be just fine. You and me. Nothing to worry about."

"L-liar…"

She latches onto me tightly, not disagreeing with my small but possible word. As hard as it is for me to admit, I'm right. The infection could spread overnight or while she's off getting the supplies. She could…run into some trouble. I shake the thoughts, deciding silence will do. If this is going to be our last night together, I'm not going to waste it thinking of that shit. I'm going to do it right.

"B-bella…," I start, running a shaky hand through her hair. "I h-haven't been completely h-honest with…you," I clear my voice quietly and suck in a fresh breath. "I-I…I think I'm in l-love with you."

I let the words mingle in the air before settling into the beautiful girl sleeping at my side. A minute passes. A second. My palms grow even more sweaty and my heart rate continues to pick up as I gently pull my hand out of her hair. A noise escapes from her and my heart stops, awaiting her impending words. She snores. My heart restarts as I close my eyes.

"Y-ou scared..m-me," I choke out.

"I'll j-just have to tell you l-later."

She snuggles closely into my side and my hand reverts back to its previous task. The sleeping girl next to me resurrects my promise to her; to myself: Keep her alive. I tell myself over and over that if I want Bella to know how I feel then she needs to live to hear it and I need to live to _say _it. That's one thing that's keeping me from calling it quits right here right now.

* * *

**A/N: Dun Dun...**


	10. Chapter 9 The Chuck Norris Theorem

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!  
**

**Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out!**

**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**

**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**

**Tiny Self Pimp: Check out my other story Caring is Creepy on my profile! Great fun in there! Partially on hold for a week or two but I'll get back to it!**

**Leave me some love! Enjoy!**

**~~There is a new poll on my profile relating to this story; check it out and vote!~~  
**

**~~Note~~ The title cut me off so here is the real title of this chapter:**

**Chapter Nine: The Chuck Norris Theorem **

**~Cici

* * *

**

I stand on top of a tall building. The cold air bites at my neck, whipping past my open skin. My right foot tests the ledge as a gust of wind jolts me forward. I stumble back as dozens of hands reach out for me; a sea of zombies.

I frantically search for Bella until I meet her deep, chocolate eyes. She stands on a building opposite to mine.

"Bella!" I scream with all my voice, fearful that her followers are not far behind.

She steps up on the ledge, the fierce wind blowing her hair in every direction.

"Bella, get down!"

A faint smile plays upon her lips. She leans into the wind and plummets off the ledge.

My entire being succumbs to the terrorizing screams galloping out of my throat until I jolt awake. My breathing attempts to steady my heart beat, but it only increases. My eyes search for Bella with no luck. I scream out her name, mirroring the dream. This time, she's nowhere to be found.

"B-bella…?"

I fall off the couch and stumble up, the pain in my leg reminding me of our current situation. I slink towards the door and find a piece of notebook paper taped onto the handle.

_I didn't want to wake you up. You need your sleep. I'll be back with the medicine soon and this will all be over soon, I promise. Stay inside, Edward. -Bella._

_She left. That's right. No, that's not right. I mean, is it? Yes. _My brain feels fried and it hurts to even attempt to sort my scattered thoughts. I focus on the note, reading it to myself, concentrating on one part: _I'll be back with the medicine soon and this will all be over soon, I promise. _

She _will_ be back. She _has_ to. If she doesn't come back either way I'll die. One, I won't have the medicine for my leg and second, I'll have no reason to. Not even medicine can fix losing the will to survive.

My body aches and a wet sheen covers every inch. My hands shake uncontrollably and my head feels as if some hippie is playing the bongos on my brain. I sit back on the couch, fingering the note as I close my eyes. I fall into a dreamless sleep; full of darkness, but no comfort.

The pain in my leg begins to drain out and is replaced by numbness. I'm not sure which is worse. I'm thankful that it no longer feels like my leg is being Japanese Village but, on the other hand, any feeling is better than no feeling.

I feel like I'm on my own again. Stumbling through the Washington State campus, chopping the heads off of TA's and RA's, like no one's business. I really feel like that shit is going to bite me in the ass - pun intended - sometime real soon. I just hope that I'll be well enough to defend us. Shit, that's it. That's why I let Bella go. If I let her stay then I wouldn't be able to protect us. I'm really glad I didn't say that out loud to her because I'm certain she would have thought that I think she can't take care of us and I know she can; she's strong and brave. She's Bella.

I watch the clock just as I would during any class at Washington State. This time, waiting doesn't last forever.

"Edward! Edward, open up!"

I spring off the couch, unlock the door and fling it open as Bella jumps inside. I quickly shut the door as Bella helps me place the vending machine back into its presumed spot.

"Got it," she breathes heavily, pulling out a long needle from her jacket. She drops a few bags of food on the ground and a bottle of Peroxide.

"A-are you okay?" I mumble, cupping her face as she holds my elbows. She nods, still catching her breath.

"L-let me…" she trails off as I let her go. She grabs the needle and motions for me to sit down on the floor.

I lower myself to the ground, carefully stretching my leg out. Bella kneels next to my leg as she uncaps the needle.

"You…ready?"

I nod once and take a deep breath before closing my eyes tightly.

"Count to three," she orders.

"One. Two."

She injects the penicillin straight into my leg as I leash out a yelp. "T-that wasn't t-three!"

"Anticipation is the worst part."

"F-ucking rice krispies."

"You'll be okay now," Bella mumbles, cleaning the injection sight before placing a Barbie band-aid on it.

"B-Barbie? Really?" I cough, craning my neck back.

"Sorry, I wasn't entirely concerned with what brand I was grabbing. Plus, I think she brings out the flower power in you."

Although I can't feel a difference in my state yet, I see a change in Bella. Her eyes aren't filled with worry and concern. She's joking around again and that makes all the difference. Seeing Bella not fretting assures me that everything really will get better.

I smile, amid the throbbing in my leg and mutter out a thank you. She nods and helps me to the couch.

"You need to get some more rest."

"I've b-been sleeping forever, Bella."

"The more sleep, the quicker your leg will heal. I'll check on you every so often." She pulls the blanket over me and pushes the hair out of my eyes. She hesitates for a moment, but then leans down slightly and plants a kiss on my forehead.

She paces for a while and the constant sound of her footsteps lulls me to sleep. At some point, I feel her lift my head up and slide herself under it. She carefully rests my head back down into her lap and runs her fingers through my hair. Shit, she would make one great babysitter.

I wake up moments later feeling like a new man. I sit up on the couch, stretching.

"Good as new," I croon, arching my back.

"Fuck," Bella breathes, rushing to my side. "I thought you fell into a coma."

"Bella…" I chuckle. "I've been asleep for like what? Thirty minutes?"

"Try hours, Edward. You've been out cold for almost two days."

"You're shitting me…"

She shakes her head. "Let me check your leg. How does it feel?"

"A little sore, but other than that I'm ready to kick some ass."

A grim look spreads across her face as her eyes flicker to mine before redirecting them to my leg. She presses lightly around it and my eyes follow hers down.

"You stitched me up?"

"Mhm. One of the reasons I thought you went under. You didn't make a noise the whole time. You were like a z-,"

"Don't even say it."

"Zoo animal," she corrects herself and we share a small laugh.

She eases my pant leg back down and washes her hands before grabbing a protein bar and sitting on the floor in front of me.

"What was with that look earlier?"

"What look?" She asks, biting into the bar.

"The one when I mentioned some well deserved ass kicking."

Her face returns to the same grim look and I raise my hand, pointing. "That one."

She takes another bite and wipes the corners of her mouth before answering. "You didn't go out there, Edward. I know you couldn't, but …it's not getting any better."

"How…bad?"

"Enough," she takes another bite then tosses me one, noticing my unsubtle lip licking.

"Shit storm bad?" I unwrap the bar and take a bite. "Fuck, that's good."

"Hm, like Chuck Norris shit on us then stuck his nun-chucks up our asses bad."

"Ouch."

"Exactly," she crumples up her wrapper and tosses it into the overflowing trash.

"Then we need to make a move."

"Yep," she pops the _p. _"What would Chuck Norris do?"

I stand up and pace like a general about to give his soldiers an order. "Round house kick every fucker in a 5 mile radius, but that doesn't help," I purse my lips, gathering my thoughts. "He would get plenty of food, water, first-aid shit and weapons to last him a while…" I trail off.

"He'd find a car." Bella stands up, game face on.

I nod. "Good idea, there's probably one in the parking lot. "I ponder this all for a moment before directing my attention back to Bella. "You ready for another raid?"

She bites her lip, closing her eyes before looking at me dead on. "Are you?"

"I'm ready to get our asses out of this jack in the box, so yes, I am."

"Game on."

We prep ourselves for our upcoming excursion. I think about telling Bella what I whispered to her the other night and realize that could be our falling point. Bella's mind needs to be focused on getting supplies, not love. I stretch my leg, hoping it won't fail me and Bella gives me one last check up. She gives it the okay.

I take her hands in mine as we prepare to venture out.

"Are you going to be okay?" I search her eyes.

"Just don't leave me," she mumbles out quietly.

"I won't." I bring her close and hug her tightly, planting a kiss on her head - a normal gesture between us for which I'm thankful.

She smiles softly as I pull back, placing my hand on the door knob.

"Here it goes," I sigh, pulling the door open.

I take Bella's hand and quickly move out, weaving down the isles. The isles are dark and eerily filled with silence. Glass trails along the floor and a few shelves remain in ruins. A light breeze trickles in through the smashed windows as I grab a shopping cart and prepare for one fucking lightening round of _Super Market Sweep. _I push the cart forward, keeping Bella close as we grab any random items we see as useful. I throw a few bags of Chex Mex, and cases of water into the cart as Bella grabs more protein bars and some energy drinks.

"First-aid," I remind her and she hesitantly releases my hand and runs down an isle.

I make my way down the dark isles to the Sporting Goods section.

"Well fuck," I shake my head, observing all the guns and ammo. "Thanks for the hint _Super-Walmart_," My mouth hangs open as I stare at the Fountain of Youth.

I brush my fingers across the line of guns and grab a few, placing them in the cart. I dump a good amount of ammo boxes in too and bid farewell to the Ninth Wonder of the World. I push the red neck cart back towards the isle Bella said she would be down.

"Shit, you hick," she laughs, quietly admiring the cart.

"Bitchin' right?"

"Don't say that," she shakes her head, smirking as she grabs a few select medicine boxes off the shelf. "But yes, it is quite 'bitchin'."

"Told you," I smirk and pick up a few boxes she dropped into the cart. "Headaches, fever, cold, flu, stomach, anything for zombie bites?"

"Funny," she laughs. "But no." she stands in front of me, closer than usual. I smirk, acknowledging the proximity.

"Need anything else?"

"I could think of a few more…" I try seductively as she raises her eyebrow.

_Go, you fucker! _My Handy Dandy Zombie Notebook chants after a long absence of fuckery.

"Elaborate…" she bites her lip. _Oh, she wants it, go go go you pansy ass!_

"M-midol," My dumbass voice sputters. _Congratulations, you have just made Nathan Lane in the Birdcage look like more of a man than you are right now._

"Midol," Bella repeats, narrowing her eyes.

I rub the back of my neck, which is now engulfed in flames of embarrassment. "Y-you know, for that…time of the month."

"I know what it's for, Edward."

"I just, I thought you might need it," I downward spiral.

"Why? Am I a bitch when it's that time, hm?" _I think it may be that time right now._

"N-no, but I always think of the girls on _Survivor_. That must royally suck."

"What about the girls on _Survivor_?"

"They must be in a lot of pain and doing all that shit to get a bowl of rice," I shake my head. "Should be illegal."

"You need to get your head examined by a neurologist," she states, dropping in a few boxes of Midol.

"Took my advice." I nod followed by an "I'm going to fuck you up" look from Bella.

"Shutting up now."

"Oh, okay," she mocks.

I push the cart ahead again and pinch Bella's waist from behind making her jump. I smirk and she elbows me in the chest.

"Easy, Bells. I'm trying to work these puppies up to a C Cup," I look down at my chest.

"You've got a long way to go, young one," she laughs.

"Damn," I fake an upset expression.

"Hey, since I've got my Midol, do you want some Viagra?" She snorts, unable to contain herself.

"Nah, that's not needed with me. Thank you, though."

"Cocky ass," she shakes her head.

"Why? Have you been observing down there?"

"So, what if I was?" She turns, walking backwards.

I raise my eyebrow, "Hmph. Well, at least share the wealth."

"What do you mean?"

"Are you satisfied with your findings?" I smirk, trying to fight the laughter.

She fans her self. "Oh hell yes. Fuck me now, Edward!"

"Well, when you say it like that." I run a hand through my hair, pushing the cart out of the way and slide across the floor to Bella. I pull her flush to me and snake one hand behind her, lifting her off the ground.

Her eyes widen as she gasps slightly and my brain gasps as well. _Where the fuck has this come from? Has my body been hoarding all the testosterone and manhood? _

"Edward…?" she whispers, leaning her forehead against mine.

"Yes…?"

"Be careful, you might uhm, open your stitches."_ Frolic testosterone, you are not wanted._

"Oh, right," I let her slide down me, fireman pole style and she bites her lip, looking at me.

"S-sorry, I j-just..," she starts then turns and walks ahead of me.

Romance + Survival = Fiction. That shit, only works in movies.

I push the cart quietly behind her and she turns. "Need anything else?" Strictly business.

I survey the cart. "Nope. I, uh, think we're good."

"Great," she mumbles out and we retreat into the Employee Lounge for our last night as _Super-Walmart _residents.

We set our loot down by the door, waiting for our early morning escape. I take out a piece of paper from my Handy Dandy Zombie Notebook and write:

_Super-Walmart,_

_Although I hate your ass for not supplying an efficient variety of Hot Pockets, you saved our asses. WOU a lot of shit. Forever in your debt, Edward Cullen and Bella Swan._

_P.S. Get a better selection of magazines. Beiber Fever does not apply to anyone above the age of 12 or with a penis. _

Bella insists that I erase her name so she can sign it herself to make it official. I let her and we seal it and place it on the table. Bella lies down on the couch and I prepare the floor for one last semi peaceful night.

"Edward? Will you sleep with me…up here?"

I nod once and she makes room for me.

"I'm sorry about before," she whispers.

"Don't be," I smile reassuringly.

"I feel like the family in _Willy Wonka_, all squished in the bed," she laughs softly.

"I've got a golden ticket," I sing quietly. "Her name is Bella Swan."

Bella laughs and kisses my cheek. "Good night, Edward."

"Sleep well," I soothe, kissing her head.

Her head falls onto my chest and I scratch her head gently, just the way she likes. The banging doesn't start tonight; it's the calm before the storm.

* * *

**A/N: Yes, WOU means "We Owe You" **

**Leave me a review, hope you enjoyed!  
**


	11. Chapter 10 Moon Landing

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**

**~Note: The lovely RCD-Alice wrote a huge chunk of this chapter for me. I can't write "steamy" scene but she can! Lol The outtake from this chapter will be posted soon. It's a longer scene of the one that gives you a little taste of what happened one night in the lounge. *smirks***

**Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out!**

**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**

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**Tiny Self Pimp: Check out my other story Caring is Creepy on my profile! Great fun in there! Partially on hold for a week or two but I'll get back to it!**

**Leave me some love! Enjoy!**

**~~There is a new poll on my profile relating to this story; check it out and vote!~~**

**~Cici

* * *

**

Bella stirs in my arms and I know she's awake. She hardly ever wakes up when the night is quiet; she must have a reason, or I'm over analyzing things, which is quite possible. Hey, I'm - or is it was? - a Mathematics Major, over analyzing is in my blood.

"I was thinking…," she started sleepily.

"Well, I hope so," I smirk, and she blushes a deep red.

"Have you ever been kissed?"

"Yeah…"

"Grandmothers, aunts, mothers, any maternal figure do not count."

"Still a yes."

"Consumption of alcohol toys with the brain," she states in full out doctor mode. "That doesn't count to me."

"Then no," I sigh with a small chuckle. "I've never been officially kissed."

"I've been kissed, but they all cancel out," she continues her rant and waves off my confused look. "That's for another time. Anyway, I've never officially been kissed either…" With these words I know exactly where she is going.

"You want me to kiss you…" I trial off, more of a statement rather than a question.

"If you don't want to, I can make do with that Brad Pitt cut out in Isle 17," she mumbles, fingering the neckline of my shirt.

"No," I say cupping her cheek. "I was waiting for you to ask."

* * *

We have been on this push and pull for fucking ever at this point. Now, don't get me wrong, I like a little UST as much as the next guy, but I can't take the constant ups and downs. I felt like I was PMSing for Christ's sake. Bella seems like she was coming on to me one minute and the next, I'm the asshole for kissing her back. I digress.

"Wait, Bella, are you sure?" I ask as I pull away enough to see in her eyes.

"I'm sure," she says, but it is almost a whisper. This was not the ass kicking Bella I knew. The Bella I knew actually kind of scared the shit out of me sometimes. She was feisty and wicked and quite literally could have killed me when we first met. "I want this, and it's not just because we might die."

"Bella don't say that," I tell her and then close the gap between our mouths, pulling back to look at her as I bring my hand up around the side of her face. "We can do this."

The atmosphere in the lounge is terrible. Not at all what you would expect for a little session of mashing the potatoes, walking the plank, sliding down the pole. Take your pick on the term, and I'm pretty sure we are about to do it.

As I move my hand down her side, I feel hers intertwine in my hair and I'm suddenly very aware of the fact that it's not really that clean. Curious, I lean down and sniff Bella's hair…it's not that bad. Mine can't be either, right? I decide that losing focus is probably the wrong thing to do here since I'm not all that experienced when it comes to laying the pipe.

Bella moans and my fireman's pole immediately stiffens to full form. I lay her back onto the crappy pullout and my fingers trail along the hem of her shirt. Her skin is so soft there, like angel's wings, or that little psycho Beiber's hair, but Beiber has no place in this moment. The feeling of her fingers touching my own snaps me out of my rage of all things JB and I remember that I am here, in the now, about to share midnight delight with Bella. My Bella.

My hands slide up inside her shirt and my eyes make contact with hers, making sure that this is still okay. She nods almost imperceptibly and the cotton bunches up under my arms. Smirking, I grab the bottom with both hands and pull it up and off her quickly, or at least that's how it would have gone if I was Chuck Norris, or even Michael Cera. Instead, it gets hooked on one of her elbows and ear, and I try desperately to fix this monumental mistake before she starts laughing and walks away from me, never to return again. Once the offending fabric is off and out of the way, we look at each other, both of us trying not to laugh, neither succeeding.

We laugh until we're lying side by side and my eyes drift down to her bra. Marvin Gaye is in the room and "Let's Get it On" permeates around us. Before I know it, my pants are off and being tossed to the side to hang out with the offending shirt. Damn right that thing offended me. It has been hiding these from me all this time and since they are now in my view…hell yes I want to touch them.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," I tell her in a whisper and then kiss her softly as my fingers move to cover the foothills in front of me. She gasps quietly into my mouth and then, holy mother of God, she pushes herself into my hands and her nipples are so hard I'm pretty sure I have deep gouges in the middle of each palm. Her lips are fervent on mine, and I wind one hand around behind her back to the clasp of her bra.

Too fucking bad I'm no Chuck Norris. One handed bra unclasping? Not on my life.

"Sorry, hold on," I tell her and she smiles sweetly, but doesn't laugh at me. For that I'm pretty freaking grateful. The clasp comes undone but before I pull it off, I look into her eyes one more time. As I do, she grasps the hem of my shirt with her tiny little fingers and starts pulling it upwards with far more grace than I could ever hope for in myself. Once it joins the offending clothing on the floor, I regain her eye contact. Well, I try to. She's too busy staring at my chest. I take that as an invitation and my eyes travel to her very own - oh holy shit, when did bra gate commence?

I take a moment to appreciate the greatness in front of me. I thank God - Allah, the inventor of hot pockets, her mother and father, anyone I can - for creating the wonderful creature in front of me.

"Edward?" Bella says, and one little finger comes to wipe at the side of my mouth.

Apparently drooling Edward came out to play and there isn't a damn thing I can do about it. I don't answer her; instead, attacking one of her peaks with my lips. Best. Napkin. Ever.

Her fingers are in my hair, my hands around her waist and that's when I realize that both of us are in no more than our underwear. Superman boy-cut panties. Are you freaking kidding me? She is like my fucking goddess in this moment. I mean, not that she wasn't before, but for the love of non-Canadian Bacon Hot Pockets, she's wearing Superman underwear. I look back up and she's looking self conscious and unsure.

"What's the matter, gorgeous girl?" I ask her as I trail a finger along the top of the very non-offensive piece of clothing. How can you be offended by Superman?"

"They're comfortable, okay?" She scowls and covers the logo with her forearm. Oh no you didn't. That right there is offensive. And what the hell is she so worried about? I'm fucking one degree away from Michael Cera.

"Bella, baby," I tell her, slowly moving her arm away. "They're almost as beautiful as you are," I say and slowly move them out of the way to feel her most intimate area. It's hot and moist and I want to live there. Forever. Just set up camp and never freaking leave. She lets out these sounds of pleasure that seem to come out her underwear and travel through my fingers, up my arm, down my spine and straight to the massive bulge that is currently residing in my very plain Calvin Klein's.

That's it; I need to be in there.

"You're sure?" I ask her one more time, because it would kill me if she regretted it in the morning.

"I'm sure," she says and starts pulling down the Klein's in an attempt to let the freaking flag fly.

I shift to make it easier, and at the same time start pulling down hers, letting out a very quiet sad sigh. I will be sad to see those go. They get tossed the other way. They don't get to join the offensive clothing. They deserve much better than that. They deserve a gold medal, I'm telling you.

We end up both on our knees, facing each other, and I take her gently in my arms kissing her with everything I have.

"It's my first time," she whispers out and I look at her in surprise. I mean, it's not like I think she's a whore or anything, but a girl as perfect as her has never had sex? For real? Even I have, and I'm well…me. I smile at her and kiss her all over her face before laying her flat on her back and admiring her every inch.

"I miss the underwear," I whisper to her as my fingers again come in contact with the heat of her seductive powers and we both freak out a little bit at how good it feels. Pulling away, I move over top of her and between her legs, kissing her softly, giving her a chance to back out at any time, yet hoping that she doesn't. She smiles up at me and nods.

There isn't too much to say. She looks happier than I had ever seen her before, and that's all that matters.

I have planted my flag in the country of Bella Swan on the continent of zombiedouchebaggery, and let me tell you…that is way better than a million hot pockets combined.

My eyes slowly shut and my breathing slows, but the friction between us never sleeps. Bella's hands gently swim through my hair and I faintly hear three distinct words intermingling in her deep breath. In my dream, she says, "I love you".

* * *

I'm getting good at knowing when it's morning in the lounge. Maybe part of it is I can hear the quiet crunching of cereal; maybe the other part is in fact Bella's Superman panties gave me powers. Either way, I've got some super senses.

I sit up slowly, my eyes focusing in on the source of the crunching.

"Froot Loops?"

"Breakfast in bed? I'll say yes."

Bella laughs quietly and hands me a box of cereal. She sits back - Indian style - on her chair and the crunching resumes. _Regret, regret, regret. Super powers searching for any signs of regret. Oh shit, there it is._

Bella's face contorts and she places a hand over her mouth. I sigh, hanging my head practically into the box of Froot Loops.

"God damn marshmallows," she groans, tossing one in the trash after fishing it out of her mouth.

"Thank Chandler Bing," I let out in pure relief. She raises her eyebrow. "Chandler Bing," I start, attempting to get her juices flowing. "_Friends…"_

"I know who fucking Chandler Bing is, obviously. W-why do you look like someone just told you that you're getting a puppy for your sixth birthday?"

"Oh." I chuckle a little embarrassed. Of _course_ she knows who Chandler Bing is. "I thought your expression about the marshmallows was regret about…you know…"

"What? We're 12? We can't say sex? Sex. Sex. Sex."

"La la la," I plug my ears. I've never been a fan of that word. Just a bad combination of two consonants and a vowel if you ask me.

"Sex. No, Edward. For your information," she states, standing up and walking close to me. "I thoroughly enjoyed it." A smile spreads across my face and it must be freaking her out because she snaps me out quickly. "Sex."

We finish our breakfast in bed and check our loot. We packed everything up early last night before the rave in the pull out so all we have to do is…leave. Easy, right? You try walking out into impending death.

I bounce with pre game-jitters and Bella takes my hand, quieting every nerve.

"Nut up or shut up," she smiles grimly, looking up at me.

I kiss her hand - we're on that level, right? - and pull the door open. "Shake and Bake."

I find another grocery cart and we pile our bags of questionable, nutritional food and scoot down the main isle. I constantly check around us, preparing for an attack. _If _is not the question. The question is _when_. I've never had a knack for picking carts, this is obvious in the squeaking wheel located in the front right.

I kick it once, attempting to set him straight. He fakes me out for a few seconds then continues on stronger than ever.

"You would," I hiss.

"Miss us?" Bella asks and that's when one rounds the corner. He's having trouble with the floors and skids ever so slightly. He doesn't quit and a few more appear in tow. Holy shit, is that a zombified leashed toddler? I promised myself I wouldn't kill any zombified children after _that_ night.

"Going up," I announce as I pick Bella up and place her in the basket of the cart. "You know what to do."

And she does. Bella loads, caulks, checks and steadies her gun in swift, fucking hot, motion. I stare, dazed, almost ramming the cart into the toilet paper display.

"Keep me steady," she orders and my hands lock around her calves.

I continue pushing the most important shopping cart I have ever loaded down the main isle as Bella starts firing off rounds. Shot after shot, I hear the impact of a bullet, the snarl of a zombie and the clamor of the ground meeting its body.

"Closet red neck?" I smirk, turning a corner.

"If it's saving your ass, I can have whatever color neck I want," she mutters out between her tightly laced lips as she reloads and aims. I let out a small groan at how amazingly sexy the event that plays before me is.

More shots fired and more zombies dead than before. We reach the parking lot and my eyes search for a car.

"Vehicle. We need a vehicle."

"Over there!" Bella points.

"That's a Smart Car, don't kid yourself."

"Smart Car or not, haul our asses over there. I'm running out of bullets!"

"Going green is _not_ the most important issue at hand! Fucking hybrid!" I spit, wheeling us to the back of the Car of Un-Smartness.

Finally, something goes our way. The keys are conveniently located in the ignition and I pity the poor bastard that even the Smart Car couldn't save from these rabid assholes.

"Time to check out, fuckers!" I whip out my own gun and shoot the last one right in the pie whole.

"Ah, how I've missed the battle cries," Bella sighs.

I scoop her out with one hand as she fires behind us. We both grab a few bags and take a breather, loading them into the small ass trunk. I don't even consider it a trunk; it's more of an Oh-shit-we-need-a-trunk-here-that-is-two-inches mistake by the Smart Car developers.

We end up both huffing and puffing before we even _dare_ weasel ourselves into that death trap. I rest my hands on my knees, panting and Bella leans against the "trunk".

"Shit, that was worse than running from zombies," I manage out.

"Right? That is _not_ a trunk."

"I concur."

Bella manages to coax me into the god damn cart and we buckle ourselves in.

"I feel like I'm on Mission Space at Disney," I take ragged breaths.

"Just think of banging Cinderella behind the castle," she rubs my shoulder, laughing.

"I prefer the Tea Cups," I groan, starting the car like a kid swallowing cough medicine.

Beiber almost immediately blasts through the car and I hit the dashboard in a fit. Bella can't stop laughing as she repeatedly attempts to wrestle the CD out of the CD player.

"Burn it, now."

"Chill, Peter Pan," she giggles, jamming it into the already over filled glove compartment.

"How do I fucking even work this god forsaken car?"

"Not by clawing the steering wheel, babe."

"Babe?" _When did this start?_

"Is that okay…?"

"Yeah, of course it is," I hesitate and end up flooring the gas.

"It's in neutral," she says, attempting to push it into Drive.

"Fuck." I readjust my mirrors to find a swarm of zombies in our direct path.

"Objects are closer than they appear! Objects are closer than they appear!" Bella yells, repeating that stupid sticker we all question.

"I think one of them is One-Eyed Pete! Shit, he does _not _zombify well. At. All."

"Edward, task at hand!"

"Oh, right." I shift into Drive and floor the gas, _reversing _us at full force right into the pack of zombies. "Just kidding!" I try to cover. The banging over flows and I can't concentrate.

"They're going to fucking flip us. I swear to GOD, I'll blow my top."

"Not before they break the paper thin Smart Car glass!" I yell. "Bella, get down," I command and she tries to object. "GET DOWN!" She sees the warning in my face and hears it in my voice. She hesitantly sinks down as I try to figure out this mess.

Their nails screech against the glass, blood cascading down the sides. I take in a deep breath and release it slowly, grabbing the gear firmly and shifting into Drive. We peel out with a screech, but I still hear banging.

"Is that fucker on the roof?"

"_BIG _mistake."

I shake my head, rolling down the small window, pulling Tiger out with me.

"FORE!" I scream into the parking lot, light gleaming on Tiger.

I pull my arm back before taking his head cleanly off. I calmly re-enter the cart, roll up the window and steady Tiger between my legs as we exit _Super-Walmart._

"Sayonara, Papa Wal," Bella waves.

"Thank you and good morning." I give a quick wave.

Bella reaches over and pulls out my Hand Dandy Zombie Notebook.

"So, what will that be, Mr. Cullen?" She says in an official voice, readying her pen.

"I'd put down a good," I purse my lips, thinking. "80, Ms. Swan," I nod, pompously.

She scribbles down 80 under the heading _Super-Walmart Extravaganza _and flips the page. She heads the next column _Zombieland Vacay Part Deux. _

"We've got to keep our numbers up," she announces, closing the notebook.

I floor it down the road and quickly open my door, meeting an "object" with a thump. "81," I cough.

Bella snorts and adds, "And one" to the previous number.

"The Best Zombie Slayers in the Entire World: Edward Cu-ll-EN and Bella Swa-aaaaaaaaaaan!" I screech in the best Oprah voice I have ever done and speed down the road in hopes of civilization, a Ring Pop or a Hot Pocket.


	12. Chapter 11 Where it All Began

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**

**~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!**

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**~Cici

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I'm pretty surprised that this little cart of un-smartness has a GPS. Considering this, I promote it to cart of semi-smartness. Can't let it got cocky and think it's like that kid that can tell you the weather, heat index and dew point from a day 25 years before he was born. You know how that happened? Kid got smacked in the head with a baseball bat. Smart Car, I've got a nine iron, that's pretty damn close. Watch your wheels.

Bella agrees that we attempt to make it to Forks - the hometown of both of our families. We haven't talked much about them; superstitious that we may be jinxing their chances. Fear, I guess.

I insisted that Bella sleep and that's what she's doing at this precise moment. I'm going to be a bit stalkerish and go as far as saying I like watching her sleep. She's so peaceful and clam. So _normal. _When I watch her breathe evenly, her features calm; it's like we're not even remotely close to Zombieland. It's like we're home.

Home. That's where I want to be. No, not Beverly Hills. Weezer pun, ha. All I want is to ensure that my family is safe. They _have_ to be safe. I can't even begin to comprehend if… I push that thought into the corners of my brain and listen to the hum of the Smart Car.

Hum is a poor example. It's more of a buzz. It's a bumper car-esque car; nowhere near Tallahassee's bad ass Escalade in _Zombieland. _I'm 98% sure that the Tea Cups at Disney are at least twice the size of this fucker. Hell, I think I had a Hot Wheels jeep that was bigger than this. At least it's got a bad ass neon green stripe on the side. Shit, it has blood stains on it now. Smart Car: Zombie Bulldozer. Yeah, if the zombie is an elf or Weeman.

Ah, Weeman. I bet he'd take a zombie for me. Hell, the Jackass crew is probably filming a new movie as we speak; Zombie incorporated. I wonder what would happen if someone tried to put a backpack leash on Weeman…

"Why the hell would you t-try to detain Weeman?" Bella croaks, stretching in her 2 x 2 seat.

"Did I say that out loud?"

"Indeed," she yawns. "What's with you and leashing people anyway? You mentioned something about a leashed zombified kid back at _Super-Walmart._ What is that, some sort of freaky fetish?"

"Not a fetish, just a fascination."

"Oh-kay," she purses her lips, contemplating. "You said you didn't want to have to kill a zombified kid again. Please tell me you're not Mr. Harvey from _Lovely Bones_."

I rest my head against my hand, leaning against the cold glass of the window. "Do you _really_ want to know?"

"Oh, hell yes."

"It happened the first night after I found out about all this." I motion around me.

"Fuck yes, story time!" Bella wiggles, getting comfortable in her seat.

I chuckle. "Yes, gather round."

"Wait! We need ambient," she states then searches for a CD in the glove compartment. She pulls out a CD that reads _Best of the 80's and 90's _and inserts it into the player. "Go on," she gestures.

"Nice choice," I comment with a smirk as Justin Timberlake's voice sweeps through the cart.

"Thought so myself," Bella smiles then nudges me. "Go. Zombified children. Let's hear it."

"Right," I nod, sucking in a deep breathe. "Flash back time."

_It's just another Saturday at McCulley Hall as I plop down onto the indented couch. I unscrew my chocolate milk chug - 1 on my list of the Hangover Cure - and pound back a good portion of it in one sip. I scratch my head, itching to remember the previous night's event. Washington Vs USC tailgate, football game, bar? No, there was no tailgate. Yeah, there was, dumb ass; Eric's family was in town. Shit, I need to hold the drinking back until after the game. _

_I give up on trying to remember the unthinkable and shuffle into the shower - 2 on the list. The semi-lukewarm water flows over my body and I do all I can to stay awake. My head leans against the wall as I lather my body. I do a quick check for tattoos and am thankful that I don't have a butterfly tramps tamp or worse: I Love Lauren. _

_My head pulls back from the wall as my eyes connect with blue face paint (blue being one of our class colors). I take it in my hand, spinning the bottle around. _Great for costume use!_ plastered across the bottle. A-ha! That's what the little x I just washed off my hand was for. I needed to remind myself to think of a costume for the Morrison-assholes- Annual Halloween Costume Party. _

_Fuck, girls have it easy. Slutty angel. Slutty devil. Slutty nurse. Slutty school teacher. For God sakes they have a Slutty Sponge Bob costume. What do we have? Douchey guy. Douchey hipster. Douchey douche. Yourself as a douche. Oh and the guy that goes all out and wears a fucking Freddy Krueger costume. That guy is my roommate, Eric. Eric is a Mathematics major like me and he takes parties very seriously. Especially if they're hosted by the Morrison My-Collar-Is-Always-Popped Fraternity. _

_Last year, Eric dressed up as one bad ass Frankenstein and ironically enough, he went home with Frankenstein's bride that night. The year before, he was the Joker and you know the story, Harley Quinn showed and the rest is history. He's convinced his Halloween Costumes get him laid and he's not about to stop. I'm certain it's caused by the "special punch" that even gets Mike Newton laid. _

_I jump out of the shower, and walk back to my dorm, towel securely wrapped around my waist. I put on the usual jeans and a t-shirt then grabbed my laptop and searched for homemade Halloween costumes. _

"_Dammit, Yahoo! I'm not interested in making a pea in a pod costume."_

_I hear a groan behind me that can only belong to the one and only, Eric. "Morning man." I wave behind my back, scanning through page after page. _

"_How was the party last night?" I ask and am answered by silence. "That bad? What, did that Angela chick throw her drink at you again? Man, I thought I told you. Girls don't like it when you stare at their boobs. A or DD, it doesn't matter." More silence, damn, must have hurt him. "She likes the McCulley Eric guy she first met, not the Eric that's trying to impress fucking Morrison douches."_

"_Take it easy man," I mumble eyes still on my laptop as I hear a table turn over onto the ground. "Go take a shower, let the hangover wash down the drain. It's number 2 on the list, you know." I smile, holding up two fingers, switching to the next page._

_I adjust my laptop screen and that's when I see him. "Shit, man you look terrible!" I blurt, turning around on the couch then burst out in fits of laughter. He's already in his damn costume and it's what…12 in the afternoon?_

"_You stepped it up, buddy_._" I nod, snorting. "You really look like one of those zombies from Shaun of the Dead." _

_Groan._

_I chuckle again. "You even sound realistic. BIG step up from the Frankenstein days and your lame-ass attempt at Christian Bale's Batman voice."_

_One of his hands comes flying past my face, scraping against my cheek. I laugh again. "Alright buddy, the ruse is up. Tone it down."_

_Another hand whips past my face accompanied with a deep growl. "Shit, man!" I yelp, stumbling into the coffee table. "I get it, you're a fucking zombie!" I mutter, pushing him back as he attempts to get his hands on me. "Go take that fucking makeup off, the party isn't until 10." I narrow my eyes, sitting back on the couch, hoping to get the point across that the jig is up._

_Message failed to deliver. Eric comes at me from behind, flinging me to the ground, his body pinning me down. "What the hell, Eric?" I yell, fighting against him as a hand snaps off. "What. The. FUCK!" I yelp louder, removing myself from under him. _

"_Eric, you're doctor does not know SHIT about correcting a broken hand from a Lacrosse injury!" I scramble away from him. "You need to go to the nurse," I blubber, backing into a corner as his lips twitch, zoning in on me. His jaw snaps towards me and my nine iron golf club catches my eye. I pull it from the caddy and hold it shakily in front of me. _

"_E-Eric," I whimper. "You really n-need to stay away from the roofies, man." I choke as he swipes a hand once more. His hands scratch the air, closer with every try. I close my eyes for a second. "I know we always say: Bros before hoes, but you are _not_ a bro right now," I muster before hitting my own roommate across the head with my golf club. _

_He falls to the ground; lights out. I put on my Golf Gloves - safety first - and carefully lift the now zombified Eric into a chair and fasten a few belts around his hands, torso and ankles. _

"_I'm going to go get the nurse. Just sit tight and watch Animal Planet," I announce turning to some show on Animal Planet with a cheetah chasing a gazelle. _

_Too bad she tried to kill me too. Oh, did I mention the zombie trick-or-treaters? No treats, just fucking tricks. Little Barbie over here tried to eat my organs while the Police Man did nothing to stop this nonsense and even went as far as clawing at my back. You do _not_ get a Twix, asshole. _

_I decided then that my golf club - now named Tiger - could be the only thing I would trust not to eat my brains. It was then that our friendship stemmed and there that I learned if someone watches your stomach intently, and listens to your heart beat, rather than look into your eyes - no matter how hot she is - you should probably knock her once over the head. _

"Damn," Bella's mouth hangs open. "Finally those slutty bees get what's coming for them," she laughs quietly then continues. "You're roommate?"

I nod.

"Rough," she nods in agreement.

"Yeah," I run a hand through my hair. "What about you? How did you find out?"

Bella rubs her hands together. "Buckle up, babe. This one is not for the faint at heart," she smirks and does the classic dream sequence bubble motion with her hand.

_I sit at my desk in the Medical Examiner's office a few blocks away from Seattle University. I'm working the graveyard shift - again - and per usual, I'm one of the last people still here. I'm not a very good time manager and I've left all my work for the remaining hour of my shift. The clock nears 2:30 and I sigh, grabbing a new stack of death certificates. Exhilarating job, no? Forge the coroner's name onto each slip of paper, signing away one's life. I'm not like an executioner or anything; I just make the pen walk. _

_I managed to sneak a few mini bottles of rum into my bag. You know the size of the ones flight attendants serve you on planes. I like to save them and wait for a particularly excruciating day, such as today or last Thursday, when I had a lab. Or two Friday's ago. You catch my drift._

_I finished off two bottles during a weak moment when the only thing on my 7x7 television was Judge Judy. Believe me; I love to see those bastards get fined for throwing a shoe at a car. It's fucking hysterical, especially when she breaks out the flip chart. Gold. But, I've already seen this episode. It was on yesterday at 1:15 am. Lady sues hairdresser for dying her hair pink. No flip chart; no upset with the bailiff. Pretty easy breezy. _

"_Lynee McDonald," I read as I sign the coroner's name at the bottom of the death certificate. _

"_How did you die, Lynne?" I ask, scanning the paper. "Infection. Ew." I flip to another and sign the name. "Theodore Kennedy, Infection. Damn, what is wrong with these people?"_

_I mix up my stack in hopes to find something a little more interesting. "Come on, Mickey Masterson…" I purse my lips, searching for the cause of death. "A-ha! Death by screw driver. Hot damn! Love triangle gone wrong?" I laugh and immediately remember what the corner said about laughing whilst signing death certificates._

"_When you cackle like that, it's like you enjoy death. Please stop creeping me out." Oh come on, you cut open dead corpses all day and night long! Grow a pair._

_My stack depletes at a boring rate. Infection, Natural Causes, Infection over and over. I finally pull my last certificate of the night and sigh in anticipation of getting out of here soon. _

"_Russel Berty," I read. "Shit, I know you!" Mr. Berty was my old English Teacher from High School, poor guy. Dude literally shoved Romeo and Juliet down our throats, too bad I got all that Shakespearean shit. _

"_How'd you die Mr. Berty?" I frown, slightly. "Natural Causes. Yeah, I guess it was about your time," I sigh. _

_I sign the corner's name and clean up the desk before sitting back and pulling out another mini rum bottle. I unscrew the top just as a loud banging causes me to drop the piece of salvation. "Dammit!" I groan. "One sec, Lou!" I call. Lou tends to lock himself in the autopsy room. Personally, I think the man's a necrophiliac._

_I open the bottom drawer of the desk and retrieve the keys before walking over to the metal slab and unlocking the door. "Second time this week, Lou," I laugh quietly, backing up to let him out. It's not Lou._

_A figure stumbles out of the autopsy room, ramming me into the desk. I push against him just enough to identify the fucking water buffalo. "Mr. B-Berty?"_

_He groans loudly, twists his neck, cracking a shitload of bones. I slide myself in the nook under the desk and have a class A Jerry Springer finding out my baby daddy freak out. "Mr. Berty" claws at the desk, my spinny chair going out of fucking control. _

"_Mr. Berty, if this is some sick joke, I'm sorry I said your Catch 22 project was dumb. I mean it was really dumb, but you're not dumb." I laugh nervously._

_He continues to groan in response and I then I realize he's not joking. I push my spinny chair into him, nailing him to the wall. I shuffle out of the desk and grab my bag. I run over to the clock out area and scribble Lou's name down. _

"_Lou? I'm not fucking Lou!" I huff, scratching it out, as Mr. Berty nears. I scribble my name in shaky manuscript and turn around as Mr. Berty's hands reach out for my eyes. _

_It's pretty fucking disgusting what I do but hell, it had to be done. I grab my pen and stab it right into 's yellow eyes. With that, he stumbles back and falls down onto an exposed nail on the scrappily installed wood floors. I grab another bottle from my purse and down it in one sip. God, I hope I have a decent hangover._

"Killed him twice. Once by signing his death certificate, the next with a ball point pen through the retina," she grins, proudly.

"No…shit," I chuckle, amazed. "You're pretty bad ass, you know that, right?"

"Please, Edward. I majored in Bad Ass 101, hell I _taught_ the class," she giggles and I join her laughter.

This is what makes Z land bearable. Moments like this - cheesy or not - make our lives feel normal again. I really don't give a fuck that it feels like a cheesy montage on a Lifetime commercial for some shit movie. It feels good and that's all that matters.

Bella begs me to pull over to sleep and as much as I just want to keep driving, I agree. The damn GPS says we're 75 miles away from _Super-Walmart; _safe distance from the hell ripping apart that store.

I pull the Smart Car onto the wing of the road and I lean back in my seat, closing my eyes for a moment.

"Fucking time capsule," Bella hisses, slamming the door as she holds her right foot behind her back stretching.

I step away from the sardine can and twist my back, cracking it in every place possible. "I'm going to go…do some business, okay? You fine here?"

She nods. "Me too. Meet back here in five." She heads the opposite direction as I set off towards a little patch of trees.

I unzip my pants and water the grass, if you will. I tend to have a lot of epiphanies whilst peeing so I close my eyes and listen to the surroundings of nothingness. In the distance, I hear Bella cursing to herself as she steps over branches. I see her perfect face in my head; I can almost feel her next to me. I. Need. A. God. Damn. Ring. Pop. Epiphanies for 100, please.

I quickly zip up my pants and walk back to the car just in time to meet Bella. The expression she wears almost seems as if she's had an epiphany too.

I smile gently, opening the door for her. "Bella?" I ask confidently.

"Edward?" She says at the same moment and we both chuckle and politely tell the other to go first.

"Will you sleep next to me like we used to?" She asks, biting her lip, looking down at her beat up converse.

I snort as she asks my exact question and a puzzled look colors her face. I shake my head, smiling and tell her I'd love nothing more.

She moves into the microscopic car and I usher in behind her, closing the door to the frigid night. She giggles as we attempt to fit in the same seat and I grin back at her. My hands fumble with the seat, attempting to lower it back. My eyes become distracted by the smirk on Bella's face. Forgetting my previous mission, I twist my body to face hers just as the seat decides to plummet it's ass down.

"Shit!" I yelp as I fall down into the seat, Bella falling on top of me.

She bursts out laughing as my face begins to burn from embarrassment. Her cool hand comes to my cheek, her thumb brushing across it. She smiles at me, noticing my frustrated expression, and kisses my cheek. Her free hand rests on my chest, leaving a tingling sensation in its wake.

"That helps," I whisper, my finger picking up her chin, brining her face closer.

"Does it?" She smiles, not fighting.

"Indeed." I nod slowly and she slowly leans closer, closing the gap between us and brushes her lips against mine.

"Better?"

"On the way to improvement," I mumble against her lips, slowly sliding my hands around her waist, pulling her closer as the kiss deepens.

Bella pulls back just enough to meet my eyes. "I love you," she says confidently and rejoins our lips. I break the kiss this time, just long enough to utter the three words back: "I love _you," _before she pulls my face back to hers, eagerly trailing kisses along my jaw.

The glinting sun hits the dashboard, piercing my eyes as the car heats up like a fucking toaster. Sometimes, waking up from a nightmare is a lot fucking easier than waking up from one of the best dreams of your sick, pathetic life. Chuck Norris, take away my balls, I don't deserve them.

* * *

**_A/N:_**

**Edit: I'm just adding this to clarify. The last bit was a dream. *nods* This includes the dammed Smart Cart kiss and yes loves, the "i love you" is just a dream of poor little Edward's...for now. *smirks*_  
_**


	13. Chapter 12 Danny Tanner's Circumcision

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**

**~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!**

**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**

**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**

**Another poll is on the profile, please vote!**

**Enjoy!**

**~Cici

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I slide my hands behind my head and watch the rest of the sun rise on a fresh day in Zombieland. Fresh is a poor word when describing Z-land. Maybe I should say, on a less putrid day. Yeah, that has a nice ring to it.

Bella's still asleep and I'm considering starting the next leg in our journey early. It would be a nice excuse when Bella wakes up and asks me why I look so squirrelly after that goddamn dream. "Sorry, driving, can't talk," sounds a hell of a lot better than, "Wet dreams happen to people of all ages!"

I insert the key into the ignition - the only fucking inserting occurring in this car - and the hum of the Smart Cart immediately follows. Pulling off the wing of the road, I adjust my seat and mirrors. Looking into the rear view mirrors always resurrect a shiver down my spine. I always feel that when I look into them, a zombie is going to magically appear and, you know, _Objects may be closer than they appear_. If they happen to be a zombie, then you're SOL - shit out of luck.

I steal a glance at Bella and she's still out colder than that guy from that Youtube video that slips on butter. I fight my inner sixth grade thoughts, but they become too persistent and finally, I give up on suppressing them. Are we a couple? Does she know how much she means to me? Will she ever? Or was the Walmart Sex - I have _got_ to find a better name for that - just a "We could both be the last two people on earth" fling although she denied it at the time. I sigh, running a hand through my already overgrown hair. I just want to pass her a piece of notebook paper with "Will you be my girlfriend? Circle Yes or No" on it, old school style. Fuck, you sixth graders have this shit easy!

Bella doesn't wake up until the sun shifts approximately 90 degrees. I feel like such a Greek, telling the time by the shifting of the sun. Or a math nerd. Yeah, the latter probably makes sense know that I think about it. It's roughly 11:45 A.M. and Bella is groggy as hell.

"Did you know that I dreamt of Disney Channel Stars the whole fucking night?" She croaks.

"Damn, that's almost worse than being trapped in a Zombie Invasion," I fake a terrified expression and she nudges my shoulder.

"I'm serious, it was all…peppy." She shudders looking disgusted as I did when I found out the "G" in the Disney World logo was really a "D".

"Tell me they didn't dress you up and make you trace the Disney Ears with a fake wand…"

"I _wish."_

"Was that little punk ass Beiber in it?"

She nods. "Well shit, this has got to be good. Carry on."

"Let me start by saying do _not _-I repeat, do _not _- attempt to give Beiber a hair cut whilst in a concert."

"No shit Sherlock," I start but she cuts me off with her finger.

"I was eaten alive by tweens holding signs that read 'He believed, We believe. Beliebers 4 lyfe'. I wanted to vom on all of their pet names for him. It was utterly disgusting. So after the trimmers, and the pubescent teens, I get taken backstage by that huge ass body guard for the Johanas Brothers,"

"Jonas," I correct. _Fucking magazines._

She waves me off before continuing, "Literally, every god damn Disney Channel Star is there, ready to gang bang me. But then it was fine because me and all the characters from every Nickelodeon TV show from the 80's and 90's fucking wrecked their bony asses then got drunk," she smiles proudly.

"Fucked up dreamer," I sing.

"John Stamos was there," she swoons. "Uncle Jesse can punish me anytime he wants."

'First, ew. Second, was Danny Tanner there trying to kiss you?"

"Now that you said that…yes, I think he was." Bella starts cracking up. "Why?"

"Let me explain an episode of Full House to you. Cheesy Intro. Set up for main conflict. Main conflict accompanied by something to do with Joey and that woodchuck. Redeeming moment. Danny Tanner kisses his daughters. Every damn episode!"

She's still laughing. "Over analyze much?"

"Kick ass observer," I nod. "That man is in love with his daughters. Fucking weird."

"Well, I hope he loves his daughters…fictional, I may add."

"Love and _in_ love are two different things, my dear Watson."

Bella raises an eyebrow. "Hm, how so?"

"A person can love someone," I nod, beginning. "Like, I love my Aunt Esme and Uncle Carlisle, I love Billie Jean by Michael Jackson, but I am _in_ love with Thriller and I'm _in_ love with y-," I stop myself.

"…With?"

"Yelling at people who are on boats. They're so damn friendly. Ah, the confidence a boat can give someone," I attempt to cover.

I have no fucking clue if she bought that or not, but I decide to not stick around to find out.

"I've got to water the plants," I announce, pulling the car over once again.

"O-kay," Bella waves as I slide out of the car, about to shut the elf sized door. "Edward, wait." _Shit, she caught my cover._

"Yuss?" I turn around slowly.

"Uhm, take Tiger," she nudges him towards me. "Just in case." I nod, retrieving my old pal and set out into the forest.

The open air welcomes me from the dreaded claustrophobic atmosphere of the Smart Cart of death. I lift Tiger into his normal position - over my right shoulder - and trudge through the crunchy leaves blanketing the forest floor.

_Crunch. _

_Squeak._

Well that's new. I quickly turn to my right and find a chipmunk perched on its hind legs, eyeing me like a mother fucker. I stare back. His beady eyes lock on mine and his nose twitches. If this thing is zombified, there's going to be a throw down; Animal Planet worthy.

_Squeak._

"Shoo."

I think it raises its little chipmunk eyebrow at that as his tail twitches behind him.

"Beat it, fucker!" I do good cop, bad cop.

I'm not exaggerating when I say that his eyes widen, because they do. A lot. He abandons his nut and hauls ass in the other direction.

"Thought so." I chuckle turning my back and unzipping my pants, letting the hose out and turning on the sprinkler. Ah, the relief of a good pee. Fucking fantastic.

_Crunch._

_Groan._

_Shuffle._

I slowly turn my back to find none other than a goddamn fucking zombie sliding towards me. That's what the got the little monk of chip's panties in a knot.

"You've got to be kidding me, a lumber jack?"

_Gurgle._

"Yeah, yeah, nice to meet you too. Now be a gentleman and turn around while I finish up, okay? And no junk peaking!"

_Crunch._

"Impatient bastard," I groan, shaking lightly before reaching to pull up my jeans. I yelp as I hop - stumble - few inches away before falling to the ground. I fidget as Mr. Bounty Man thumps closer and attempt to free myself from the gallows; zipping up my pants right on the prize. "Mother fucker!" I cry out, grabbing my crotch in pain as lumberjack 2.0 huffs and lurches forward.

"Time out, man!" The lumberjack's feet beckon forward, his hands rising, fingers stretched forward in anticipation. His mouth is already open - well, half of it is drooping down on its own and his tongue curls and twists, sending out saliva in disgusting torrents. "Can a guy get a break?"

I would suggest the bro code right about now, but ever since Eric ripped it a part - shit on it then tried to digest it - the bro code has been skating on thin, wobbly ice.

I crab-crawl away before planting Tiger fully on the ground, pulling myself up. I slowly ease up my pants and zip up without another catastrophe. I spin Tiger in my hand before holding it base ball style. "Bring it, bitch." I use one hand to beckon him forward.

He jumps towards me and a small smile plays upon my lips. I pull Tiger back, my hands moving him in small circular motions, before I take a step forward and whack him straight across the face. Blood squirts in every direction including my face, and I groan just as he let's out a shrill.

His head is apparently stuck, twisted to the side -180 degrees away from a full exorcist move - and he tries to pry it back with no luck. His hand whips past my face as I duck in impeccable time. I spring up and connect Tiger to his left shoulder. And again, this time on his right. One more time on the left. Another for good luck on the right. And health. His body sways left to right before stumbling over his own feet.

"Tiiiiiiiimbeeeeeeeeeeeer!" I battle cry, sending my foot to his chest as he jolts into a tree; a branch piercing right through his flannel shirt.

I wipe my blood stained face with my blood stained shirt and hike back towards Bella and the Smart Cart. When I reach them, Bella has moved into the driver's seat.

"Damn, what happened to you?" She asks, observing every inch of me as I sit in the passenger's seat.

"Lumberjack zombie," I shake my head. "Easy peasy."

Bella snorts. "Yeah, easy peasy." she rolls her eyes as she reaches for the gear.

"Ah, ah. Buckle up."

"Seriously?"

"Dead serious," I buckle my own. "If you won't I will."

"I'll be fine."

"That's what they all say," I grumble, unbuckling myself and reaching across, grabbing Bella's seat belt. I'm hovering over her and this is the closest we've been since that night…centimeters away. I pull the belt across, my hand accidentally brushing across her chest. I watch out of the corner of my eye as she bites hard on her bottom lip. The seat belt fastens with a click and I resume my seat, re-buckling myself.

"So you're not hurt at all?" She questions, a little frazzled, changing gears and pulling off the wing.

"Well…."

"Tell me, I'll fix it when we pull over next."

"Uh, Bella…I think it'll be fine."

"Edward," she side eyes me.

"Let's just say that it's quite possible that I self-circumcised myself in the woods."

"Please, please, _please, _tell me you didn't do this on purpose."

"I'm converting to Judaism. Of course I did it on purpose." I roll my eyes as Bella looks over relaxing at the sight of my obvious joking.

"You don't think the zombified lumber jack was a perv, do you?" She fakes a look of anger. "Only _I_ can see your little love shack down there!"

I cock an eyebrow, letting out a small snort. "I thought you enjoyed the fire man's pole."

"Never said I didn't," she smirks, keeping her eyes on the road. "It was so…" she starts.

"Okay, let's not talk about my dick," I shake my head, chuckling.

"First guy to say that," she laughs, glancing at me.

* * *

We drive for a few hours talking about what we miss most from the old world. Shower. Xbox. Hot Pockets. Clean pair of socks. The Sunday Comics. Typical things a person in an over run, apocalyptic world would miss.

The country side begins to grow high and I can see hills in the distance.

"You might want to switch gears, got a few hills coming up," I inform Bella.

"Shit…yeah, I don't do…gears," she bites her lip.

"Just grab the gear, Bella. I'll guide you through it."

"I'm gonna crash us," she sputters and I reach for her hand.

"Bella, grab the shaft," I tell her and she erupts in hysterics. "What?"

"S-shaft. Which shaft, Edward?" She wiggles her eyebrow, walking two fingers over to my leg.

"Enough with the dick talk!" I yelp with a laugh, guiding her hand to the gear.

"You're fault, sweet heart."

I place my hand over hers. "Ease up on the gas…" She does. "We're gonna shift, okay?" I say and she snorts yet again, but recovers a staid face when I narrow my eyes. I slowly move our hands into the next gear and the cars hum immediately muffles into a purr.

"See? You did it," I smile as Bella chews on her bottom lip and nods slowly.

I forgot that I left my hand resting on Bella's and I nonchalantly move it back into my hair. She sighs and a small smirk spreads across my face.

After the hills pass, my eyes fight the closing lids.

"Take a rest. I'm fine, promise. I'll wake you if there's trouble."

I nod slowly and recline my chair, sinking into sleep.

* * *

"Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit!"

My eyes ease open to a dark landscape and a panicking Bella. "W-what is it?" I turn around in my seat to check if we have any company.

"Gas, we're out of gas."

"Fuck," I pull my seat up and check the gauge. "How many miles do we have?"

"It keeps fucking switching between 3 and five," Bella hits the steering wheel.

"Why didn't you wake me earlier?"

"You-"

"Don't say I looked peaceful, I dreamt about circumcision the whole bloody time."

"I figured there would be a station coming up, but I guess I was fucking wrong!"

"Just keep driving," I groan, unrolling the window to stick my head in attempt to find a sign for a gas station.

The Cart of Semi-Unsmartness sputters and puts. Bella groans and sooner than later, the car slows to turtle speed and eventually dies out.

"Stay in the driver's seat and steer, I'm going to get out and push," I unbuckle and hop out of the car. I plant my feet firmly on the ground and being to push against the trunk of the fucking Smart Cart.

"Why don't we just pull over for the night?" Bella calls a few minutes later, hanging out the window.

"There might be more of them, I don't want to risk it," I huff, wiping sweat off of my face, continuing to push.

Bella sighs. "Just let me help, Edward."

"You are helping. Keep an eye open, steer when necessary," I nod, locking a short gaze with her. She nods, obviously bummed, and looks back towards the horizon.

I feel like goddamn rubber only 30 minutes later and I consider letting the wheels slide over my body. I close my eyes tightly, sweat perspiring over every inch of my worn out body. My pushes become weaker and the treading on my converse begins to become non existent. Bella lets me hold onto my dignity until one push ends in a slip n' slide.

I fall to the ground and try to push myself up with my arms. No go. My arms give out and I kiss the pavement once more. Bella hurries out of the car and kneels next to me.

"You're done, baby, okay? You did well," she smiles picking up my head and placing it in her lap.

"Why am I such a scrawny ass?" I groan.

She laughs, using her sleeve to wipe my face. "Because you haven't hit puberty yet," she deadpans shifting the mood into a much better atmosphere.

The air is crisp and the only sound is our breathing. I want to pull Bella close and kiss her, whispering into her ear everything I have saved for a moment like this. If I could do that, everything would be okay. Everything would be worth while.

"Come on, let's get you up," she smiles, pulling me up carefully. She secures a hand around my waist making me feel like a total baby, but so lucky at the same time. Bella leads me to the car and hands me a water bottle and some animal crackers from the back. Gotta love a road trip snack. She leans down and kisses my forehead, something so familiar and easy for her to do.

"I'm fine, Bella, really. I feel like rubber but a very strong rubber. Like Super Putty," I nod, taking a sip of the water.

"Well damn," she laughs. "Let's just call it a day. It'll be 100% easier to see in the morning."

She's right so I agree that we might as well take yet another rest. Bella takes the first shift of guarding much to my dismay. I don't like her being the only one awake anytime, but at night my fear doubles. She takes a gun and sits on top of the roof after promising me that she'll wake me in three hours.

She doesn't. When she finally wakes me up its well into the afternoon. She tries pulling some shit on me but I wave her off. I hate stealing all the resting time when she needs it just as much as I do. I tuck Bella in and sit with her until she falls asleep. It takes her an hour or two, but she ultimately lulls into hopefully a deep REM cycle.

My body is so stiff that I can't stay in the car. I grab Tiger and the HC, do a quick perimeter check, and then walk a few yards away from the car towards another hill. My refreshed and renewed body conquers the hill in no time and before I know it, I'm staring into one of the best sights of the week.

"Mother fucker," I grin, nodding. I never thought I'd be so happy to see a Hess station. I wonder if they have any Hess Trucks left…

I stumble down the hill and resume my position at the back. Pushing the cart is so easy now that I have a goal. When I reach the bottom of the hill, I reluctantly wake Bella up. I tell her I have a surprise and she needs to help me push the car for a few minutes. She agrees without a question and together, the Smart Cart flies up the hill like a roller coaster.

"Close your eyes," I whisper into her ear. She obeys and I lead her onto the hill top. I wrap an arm around her waist and kiss her head. "Open."

Bella opens her eyes and her face lights up like she just woke up on Christmas morning. She hits my chest lightly and does a little sexy dance. I smirk watching her and she throws her arms around me. "We're golden, baby. Golden!" She kisses me quickly on the lips in a spur of the moment ordeal, but she doesn't realize that I just forgot my name by her doing that.

I sound like a fucking cartoon character and she pulls me back to the trunk of the car and helps me start pushing again. We're both grinning and laughing as the distance between us and the Hess Station decimates.

We've been so caught up in the moment that the gurgling and thumping hasn't registered until the final pushes are being made.

"Can't we ever just…ugh," Bella groans, looking behind us.

"Nope, never," I join her groan and hand her a gun and retrieve one of my own.

The numbers are small until they reach and cover the hill top. I don't take time to individually count how many are fucking raining on the parade. A few stumble down eagerly and we take them out with no problem. Gun shot to the head, HC to the throat. I guess seeing their fellow comrades fall pisses them off. The bastards screech as they literally rollie pollie down the hill. I give Bella a quick kiss on the cheek and ready myself. She half smiles back and leans her head on my shoulder as they stumble closer. We're ready to fight.

I hear a gun shot in the distance and Bella and I quickly turn around to find a figure in the doorway of the Hess Station. He's waving his hands in the air, a gun secured in one.

"Over here!" He yells and without hesitation we sprint towards the sound of his voice.

A voice. Someone else's voice besides Bella and myself. Hope of survival. A human.

* * *

**_a/n: *snickers*_**


	14. AN Vote!

**_A/N:_**

Hey lovely readers!

Sorry to disappoint, but this is not an update on the story. I want to thank all of you for your amazing reviews, alerts, pimps all that you guys do. Love you, hard!

Because this story has seemed to have spread into the fandom I'm happy to announce that it has been nominated for a Rare Gem Award by the Sparkleteers! It has been nominated for Best Comedy in tier 1 (Diamond in the Rough). If you enjoy this story as much as I do writing it, then I encourage you to vote! There are a ton of great stories nominated and I'm _honored_ to be a part of the nominations.

I will be deleting this A/N after the polls have been closed and the winners announced! Stick around for a new chapter soon and thank you all so much again!

~Cici

Voting Link: http:/thesparkleteerawards(dot)blogspot(dot)com/p/voting(dot)html


	15. Chapter 13 Hey Stranger

**/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**

**~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!**

**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**

**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**

**Another poll is on the profile, please vote!**

**NOTE: Thanks to everyone who voted for the story! I'm sorry to say we did not win but I still appreciate everything everyone did. Being nominated was a prize enough. Thanks so much everyone. **

**Enjoy!**

**~Cici

* * *

**

There's no time to question, no time to think; just time to act. I pull Bella out of her shocked state and sprint towards the gas station. Collective moans and screeches gurgle out through the mass of zombies on our tail and I can only hope that we have enough distance between them.

The man in the doorway fires his gun, and we hear a zombie cry out as he receives the bullet. There aren't enough bullets for all of them and as we near the entrance, he swings the door open wide, providing room for Bella and me. I push Bella in front of me through the door way, following close behind. The man shuts the door, bolting it with a few locks, before hastily shoving through the store.

"Down here, quick," he huffs, shoving aside a shelf and pulling a hatch.

The hatch opens to a set of a stairs and dark abyss. The recognizable banging resonates through the small convenient store and without taking time to comprehend; I grasp Bella's hand and lead her down the dark stairs.

The man follows, shutting the hatch with a loud thump. It's dark for a few long seconds, only the sound of our breathing and limbs clawing at the door from above, before a small overhead light flickers on. The hanging light sways with an eerie glow as the man steps into the light; his gun held firmly over his left shoulder.

His features are prominent beneath the caked dirt and dust; the blond hair messily gathers on top of his head and his lean body translates that he's taken care of himself thus far. His dark jeans are ripped in a few places and his stained gray t-shirt displays its own battle wounds.

"Are you hurt?" He questions simply.

"No," I answer as he nods.

"Good," he steps out of the light and sits on a crate in the corner. "Sit, please," he mumbles gesturing to another set of crates as he rests his elbows on his knees, fisting his hands in his hair.

I glance at Bella, her hand digging into mine and help her sit down on a crate. I take my seat next to her and wrap my free hand around her waist, pulling Bella close.

"I'm Demetri." His blue eyes glint from the corner.

"Edward," I cough and nudge Bella as Demetri switches his gaze to her.

"B-bella."

"Funny situation, hm?" Demetri chuckles quietly.

"Actually, it fucking sucks," I counter with a small chuckle hoping to relax Bella.

"Don't worry about them, sweet heart," he smirks slightly eyeing Bella. "They're not getting down here. Not yet anyway. Not ready yet…" he whispers the last part, his eyes trailing towards the stair case.

* * *

An hour passes, and another. The banging minimizes, only to be regained minutes later. Demetri paces across the small basement as Bella and I quietly talk in the corner.

"You saw the locks on the door, Bella. We're safe," I assure her, brushing a piece of hair behind her ear. Score.

"I don't like this…" she shakes her head. "We're boxed in. This is like a fucking Chinese Finger Trap. If they come in we're god damn screwed."

"I won't let it happen, I promise."

"Yeah because zombies listen to you, Edward."

I sigh deeply as I slowly rub circles into her hand in soothing motions. "Take your mind off it. Hey, Demetri, do you own this store?" I attempt to distract everyone in this fucking snow globe.

"Actually, I don't. Owner didn't make it," he shrugs.

Not the way I was going, but fuck a doodle doo.

"Well than," I clear my voice. "What did you do before this lovely shit storm?"

"I was an animal tracker for an environmental conservation corporation," he rattles off. "And you?"

"We're both students." I nod. "Washington State," I point to myself then point to Bella, "Seattle University."

"Ah, college," Demetri reminisces. "I had the worst fucking roommate, pain in my ass. His name was Felix and shit I almost killed that bastard," he laughs.

I laugh slightly; sick humor. Hey, you've got to joke it up in Z-land or you'd have this guy right here offering himself as the main course.

"Yeah," he nods off my laugh. "I tolerated him for the most part. He tended to bring over this girl named Heidi." He smirks. "Her, I didn't mind. One bit," he chuckles quietly, licking his lips. "You must know what I'm talking about," he nods towards Bella and I hear her…was that a fucking growl?

"Bella's a good person…" I nod, rubbing her side lightly. "She's very important to me," I state formally.

"I can see that," he leans his back against the wall, watching us.

"I need to use the bathroom," Bella finally speaks through clenched teeth.

"There's a bucket in the corner," Demetri smiles.

"You couldn't fucking _pay_ me…"

"Is there one upstairs?" I ask stopping Bella from a possible tirade.

"Yes, but…." he trails off as the banging takes over, finishing his sentence.

I glance at Bella and whisper in her ear. "Try to wait if you can…"

"I'll be fine." She nods.

"She'll be fine." I nod, answering Demetri's curious expression.

"Excellent."

* * *

More time passes in the god forsaken coffin. From what I can tell, it's dark outside. I'm hoping it's not a repeat of _Super-Walmart_ and the fucking meat heads are blocking the sunlight. Demetri insists that I call him Dem and I deny three times, Judah style. He jokes about it then holds his gun so the un-Judah like person I am, I accept. Dem it is.

Dem settles in for the night and I agree to take the first shift. I do my best to make a comfortable space for Bella as she sleeps, but I'm not working with much. She ends up lying on the ground with her head in my lap. I scratch her head the way she likes and sooth her to sleep. She's out like a light.

She stirs in her sleep a few times but a soft kiss on the forehead lulls her back into, hopefully, a zombie-free dream. Dem curls up in the corner, gun at his side.

"Let me know if anything happens, Edward."

"Will do."

"I don't want to miss anything…" he whispers to himself before resting his head down.

Have I possibly made another friend in Zombieland? I mean, we did talk girls for a solid 45 minutes followed by a heart to heart about Washington Sport teams. Yeah, we have sports other then moose watching. Guy knows his shit.

I mean, we found another human. Well, stumbled upon would be a better suited word. He saved our asses and now we may be able to build a friendship upon said ass saving. Fucking fantastic. Now that we've found another human - alive - maybe he can ensure that I'll be able to get my Bella a god damn ring pop. Three people vs. some putrid zombies looks better than two, right? You better fucking say right.

I begin to turn drowsy and do my best to keep myself awake. _I wonder, if it was snowing, could disguise myself as a snowman if a zombie limped by. Did they come out with a new Call of Duty? Did I turn off my illegal coffee machine in my dorm? Mopeds are like the loser kids at a motorcycle store. I really fucking wish I had my portable TV and my Friends box set. _The usual.

As expected, there's no comfort in the banging that continues through the night.

* * *

I startle awake when the barrel of a gun nudges my thigh.

"Congratulations, you are a terrible guard." Demetri raises his eyebrows with a deep chuckle. "Pathetic."

"Sorry, man, must have dozed off…"

"Apparently."

"I woke up early anyway, you just fell asleep when I woke up," Bella half smiles. "You needed your sleep."

"My fault guys, my fault."

"Take one for the team, I like it." Dem pats my back standing up.

"Did the banging stop?" I ask.

"Yeah, Dem took me upstairs so I could pee, they're gone."

"For now," Demetri corrects.

"I don't get why you keep saying that, they're fucking gone. Went running," Bella smiles wider.

"That's awesome, maybe we can refill and get the hell out of here," I grin, standing up to stretch.

"I'll go check the pumps," Demetri nods before heading up the stairs, gun in hand.

I turn to Bella, her hand automatically meeting mine. "Everything okay?"

"Mhm, he's growing on me, it might have been the pee though."

"I noticed, got you to call him Dem, too," I chuckle.

"Yeah," she laughs, rolling her eyes. "He did."

"This is good, right? I mean, we could be refueling and getting out of here."

"I fucking hope so, it's like the damn Dust Bowl down here," she swats her hand causing dust to whip through the air.

"Emphysema alert," I cough.

"Right?" Bella coughs with me.

The hatch opens quickly and Demetri bolts it shot and flies down the stairs.

"They're back."

"How many?" Bella and I ask together.

"A large group closing in around the store."

"Shit," I mutter.

"But we can just wait it out…right? I mean, we did last night. They'll just go away like the group before them."

"There are twice as many as last night, it won't work," Demetri counters.

"We can't take them on, we should just sit it out, like Bella said," I nod.

"No, this is perfect…I've been waiting for this. I needed more people and here you are, just for me." An eerie grin spreads across Demetri's face and my stomach immediately drops. "_We are_ going out there and _we are _going to take them down."


	16. Chapter 14 Hit the Road Jack

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**  
**~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!**  
**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**  
**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**  
**Another poll is on the profile, please vote!**  
**NOTE: This chapter may be a little…disturbing to some. I don't think it's any worse than chopped off zombie heads but there's a fair warning. *winks***  
**Enjoy and have a safe and happy Holiday Season!**  
**~Cici**

* * *

Demetri's words slither through the air before piercing my brain with a familiar, jolting shock: danger. I feel two of Bella's fingers hook into my jean pocket as her body rocks closer to my side.

"I- I don't think that will benefit anything," I clear my throat attempting to rid the fear.

"I think it'll immensely benefit if not us, the world. Wouldn't you just die if you were apart of the team that saved our nation from this fucked up apocalypse?" Demetri's lips twitch into that same eerie smile as his gun balances perfectly in his clenched fist.

"That's been our goal this whole time, to _not_ die…so no," Bella speaks from my side.

"Don't worry, Bella. I won't let anything happen to you," Demetri smirks.

"Nothing is going to happen to anyone because we are going to wait it the hell out!" I spit.

"Edward, this is our chance. This is our time. We can do it, right here right now. If we don't, we're all going to die."

Almost as if Dem is working the sound effects, powerful thumping and scratching travels down the stairs and rests in an uncomfortable moment. All three of our heads turn towards the ceiling.

"Right here, right now," he repeats.

"We're not going anywhere," I mutter firmly.

"Then we're going to die."

I feel Bella's body tense next to mine as the tension in the room builds. My hand snakes its way around her waist and pulls her closer to my side, safely securing her there.

"No one is going to die!" I yell.

"It rests with you, Edward. If we don't get our asses out there right the fuck know, every last one of us is going to be come their fucking happy meal!" He starts towards the stairs.

My hand forcefully grips his shoulder, yanking him down the first stair. "You step outside this basement and we _will_ die!"

"Did anyone ever teach you to not piss off the man with the gun?"

"You go out there," My shaking hand points up the stairs to the hatch. "You'll kill us all."

"Then go with me," he gears, anticipation for the fight lighting up his dark features.

"I'm not going with you, no one is," I glance back towards Bella's hardened expression.

"Let's go, Edward." His tone hardens as he travels up a few more stairs.

I launch my body in front of him, guarding the hatch. "Demetri, turn the fuck around, right the hell now."

"Now or we all die!" He yells, pushing me roughly against the wall.

"Stop!" Bella screams.

"Back away!" I yell back, pushing Demetri off, causing him to stumble down a few stairs, smacking against the wall as he growls loudly.

He throttles up the steps, his hands enclosing around my throat. I struggle to breathe as his raged eyes meet mine. "You listen to me, and you l-listen good. I don't care what the fuck," Spit escapes his crusty lips as his grip tightens. "it takes but we are going o-," Demetri silences as he slumps to the ground, his hands releasing my throat as vicious coughs escape. Bella stands behind him, a wooden plank in her hands.

"E-Edward," she breathes rushing to my side as I gasp for air. "Edward easy, don't panic," her voice calms as she places a hand on my shoulder then under my chin, looking me in the eyes. "Breathe slowly, deeply." Coughs escape my mouth as I inhale shaky breath after shaky breath, Bella soothing me with every pant.

Eventually, my breathing resumes to a normal rhythm and Bella assists me in detaining Demetri. Luckily-haven't used that word in a long ass time-, Bella found a rope that was securing a stack of crates to use to tie his hands behind his back and then to a shelf.

Demetri hasn't woken up yet but the banging from upstairs has come to a halt. Bella rests her head on my shoulder, our backs firmly pressed against the wall opposite to Demetri. Demetri. Even his fucking name should have been a clue that this guy is straight out of a damn horror movie. Then again, so is our life.

What the fuck am I supposed to do in this situation? Bella was forced to step in because I was clearly incapacitated. That's my first mistake. I'm not going to let her risk herself saving my ass. No more damsel in distress, Cullen.

It's only a matter of time until the meat heads return and then what? We don't have enough weapons down here, I can't be looking after the ass face himself, Demetri and make sure Bella is in the clear all in one damn second. Demetri needs to hit the road Jack and never come back.

* * *

After a few bickering moments, I finally lull Bella to sleep. My eyes never leave Demetri's limp body. I fight my heavy eye lids, urging them to stay open just a bit longer.

"Wha-…what the h-hell?" Demetri coughs from the corner as he uses the wall to pull himself up into a sitting position. "Why the f-fuck am I…" he trails off lifting up the rope.

"That's not going to work," I mumble, straightening my back against the wall.

"What's not going to work?"

"Playing dumb. Innocent."

"I…I don't understand. "

"The hell you do!"

"Where am I? Please…tell me what's going on. I-I don't remember…"He slides a hand behind his head and hisses. "My head, it's throbbing."

Fucking, fuckity fuck fuck. Bella hit him in the head with a plank, fuck fuck fuck. He could have a concussion right now and be like one of those poor fuckers that has not one damn clue about what's going on. No, no no. He's not a poor fucker. He's a dangerous person. A threat.

"Don't try to move, you aren't going anywhere."

"Why would I try to move? My head is fucking spinning."

"Good."

"What's wrong with her?" He gestures towards Bella with his tied up hands.

"Nothing," I glance down at her as my hand brushes a piece of hair from her face. "She's sleeping."

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"Because I'm watching you."

"Why?"

"I'm not fucking Google!"

"Shit…sorry, touchy."

"I'm watching you because you tried to kill me," my words hits Demetri like a bullet between his beady eyes.

"K-kill you…why would I try to kill you? You're my friend…"

"Is that what you are? Hm. Couldn't tell."

"Edward, I'm sorry, really. I would never try to hurt you or Bella."

"Guess your memory is back," I nod.

His jaw tightens for a quick second before his body returns to the lost kindergartener façade. "When I say I don't remember, I mean I don't remember why I'm like this…" he lifts his bound hands.

"I told you," I say sitting up accidentally waking Bella in the process. I walk towards Demetri and squat down by his feet. "You. Tried. To. Endanger. Us."

"Please…let me help. I can fix it. I can fix everything…"

Subtle banging and scratching floats down to the basement, adding to the tension.

"You're not going to fix anything!" I yell.

"Edward…"I feel Bella's hand on my shoulder and she brings me up to a standing position. She gives me a small look and I sigh. We walk across the basement in attempt to talk privately. "He honestly seems confused, Edward…I hit him pretty hard."

"He's playing with us, Bella."

"I don't think he is. Believe me, I don't trust him either, but I think I should look at his head. Check his vitals."

"Bella, this man tried to get us killed!"

Her face hardens. "I'm studying to be a doctor, Edward. This is the type of shit we do. Let. Me. Do. It."

I swallow back another protest, knowing that I need her on my side now more than ever if I want to keep her safe. My eyes flutter out of her gaze. "Fine, but he's staying tied up and I'm holding my damn axe."

Bella sighs. "Fine with me."

We make our way back towards Demetri, the sad and confused puppy.

"Dem, I'm going to check your head, okay?" Bella says softly yet firmly as she kneels down next to him. He nods slowly with a sigh as he moves his bound hands from his hair.

He keeps his eyes cast downward as Bella feels his head. Her lips are pursed and I can see her in a white coat with a stethoscope around her neck running around the floors of a hospital. This is what she was born for. She moves in front of him, holding his face between her hands as she gently pulls the skin around his eyes, looking deeply into them. She asks him to follow her finger with his eyes and from what I can tell he's failing that test.

Bella stands up and I with her. "He doesn't ha-,"

Bella falls to the ground as Demetri pulls her towards him and into his lap, the rope binding his hands secured around my Bella's neck. She struggles for air, her hands fighting to release the rope. I lunge for Demetri but I only hear Bella's struggled breaths. The same raged eyes return to his recovered face, locking on mine as my hand reaches for something…anything. My hands fail at grabbing the axe and they instead reach for Demetri's neck.

My hands only tighten around his neck refusing to give up when I remember that we're in a chain of choking, ending with Bella. My hands quickly release themselves from Demetri's neck as his release from Bella's. I scramble over to Bella and pull her to my chest before pulling her away, my hands on either side of her face, eyes deeply mixed with hers. "Bella, Bella, breathe baby. Shh."

She nods fast before her eyes dart to something behind me and her hoarse voice releases a bone chilling shriek. I twist my neck to find Demetri raising his axe in the air. I shove Bella aside, my body shielding hers. I hear his missed swing swoosh through the air and I jump to my feet. This has to end now.

Demetri gears for another swing but my hands quickly push him into a shelf. A board detaches from the shelf and plummets down on his head. The axe is dropped and I grab him firmly by the neck of his shirt. My eyes fix on the door labeled _Boiler Room_ and I throw Demetri against the wall, my hands not leaving his shirt. His eyes flutter, his head lulling from side to side. I kick the door open with my foot and toss him roughly in. His body hit's a pole and slides to the ground his bright eyes burning into mine. A deep chuckle escapes his throat.

"Edward…," Bella tries.

"No. No more," I mutter through clenched teeth, the axe tightly gripped in my right hand. I walk into the dimly lit boiler room and shut the door with my foot. "No fucking more." I bring my left hand to the axe in my right and firmly hold it before raising it above my head.

* * *

**A/N: *bites nails***


	17. Chapter 14 Point of No Return

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!**  
**~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!**  
**Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!**  
**You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun and they give out teasers for upcoming chapters!**  
**Another poll is on the profile, please vote!**  
***Note* I apologize for the terrible wait! Holiday Season paired with being sick and writer's block was total hell. This chapter is a little short due to your need for Zombieward and Zombella. Hope it was worth the wait! **  
**Enjoy!**

**Chapter Fifteen: Point of No Return**

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* * *

_The blood stained axe rattles as it meets the ground. I push my tensed body forward and through the doorway; a task that seems almost impossible to complete. My body feels shut down; useless. Each strain of a muscle - every breath - is held captive by my racing thoughts. Killing zombies was one thing, but this…this is another level. I am a murderer.

"No, shh, you're not, Edward. Don't say that." I'm not even sure when Bella wrapped me in her arms, reassuring me that what I did was self defense. I just know that I am a murderer.

"Edward, baby, it's okay," Bella coos. "Edward, talk to me…" She smoothes my hair down. My eyes tunnel the wall, glazed over; vacant. There's no one inside. No one willing me to stand up, to breathe, to talk. No one but a murderer.

"E-Edward…p-please…s-say something. A-anything." Is my Bella crying now? I hear her sniffle, her chest rising and falling quickly. Yes, she is. And it's my fault. Everything is my fault because I am a murderer.

Whoever said "Time heals all wounds" doesn't know in the slightest fuck what they are saying. Fucking time. What they really mean is: "Time, Bacardi, Hot Pockets and a _That '70s Show _marathon, heals all wounds".

* * *

"E-Edward…"

"I want to leave.

"And go where?" Bella cautiously asks as she feels her way up the wall.

"I don't fucking care where. I want to leave. Now." I see my words hit Bella like a dart board, but not even I can feel that.

"O-okay, let's go," she sighs quietly as she grabs her jacket from the floor, following my eager footsteps up the stairs. "What if they're out there?"

"Anything is better than this."

My hand throws down the lock, pushing the hatch with all my strength as a ray of light floods through the basement like a tsunami. The ran-sacked convenient store is quiet; the only sound is the crunching of a bag of Funions beneath our feet. My hands rest on the bar of the door, my eyes flickering outside for any unwanted company. The coast is clear as I push open the mangled door - a bell dinging in response.

The fresh air floods my nostrils - a foreign gesture compared to the usual putrid smell of zombies and the musky scent of _Super-Walmart _or the basement.

"I think it's safe, c'mon," Bella summons as she waltz ahead.

* * *

Thankfully, the time it takes getting the Smart Cart down to the gas station, devours my mind; holding it hostage. Bella jams the gas nozzle into the tiny chamber of the cart as the amount ticks up and up.

"Hey, at least we don't have to pay," Bella cracks a smile, hoping to do the same to me.

"Yeah."

"Well, at least you're talking now," she smiles softly as she taps her foot in tune with the tick of the counter.

"Yep."

"Maybe you should get a few jugs and fill them with gas," she gestures with her chin.

"Okay."

She's trying to keep my mind focused on something and I can't fight with her on that; she knows me too well. My hands reach for the two empty jugs and I can't help but notice a small blood stain on the yellow canteen in my left hand.

"Great," I sigh as I lug the yellow jugs to another gas pump. The nozzle easily fits into each spout and before I know it, the Smart Cart and both jugs are filled to the brim.

"Ready?" Bella asks as she shuts the trunk, wiping a grease smudge from my face.

"Yeah."

My hand eagerly reaches for the door but is thwarted by one of Bella's. "I'll drive, you should get some sleep." The somber story in her eyes urges me to take her advice and sit shot gun.

"Okay."

She leans up to press her lips to my cheek, her hand brushing through my hair. "You'll be okay."

"I know," I smile weakly before pulling open the small door and comfortably settling into the car.

Bella quickly pulls out onto the highway and speeds down the road. Silence comforts me as my eyelids become heavy; the humming of the car a dulcet lullaby to my hopeful ears. It's not Beiber, and some of you are thinking I'm not positive…

* * *

"I just….want…one. Fuck!" I hear a growl. "One! Son of a bitch!"

"B-bella?"

"Story of my fucking life! Yeah?" Her head snaps towards my direction. "Oh," a frazzled look paints her face. "You're awake." One hand rests on the steering wheel as another pulls on the end of an Animal Cracker bag, the other end resting between Bella's teeth. "You caught me at a weak moment," she smiles sheepishly.

"Give it here," I motion with a deep chuckle.

"Saving my life again," she sighs tossing the bag of Animal Crackers into my awaiting hands.

My fingers easily rip through the bag in one swift motion. "It says to tear, not pull."

"I didn't see that anywhere," she furrows her brow as I dump a handful of flavored animals into her hand, tossing a hippo into my mouth.

"Yes, that's because you slobbered on it."

"Well, if you want to get technical…"

My face lights up in laughter but Bella's expression doesn't mirror laughter, it mirrors excitement, relief and sheer happiness all in one. "You're back."

"Never left, just hid."

* * *

"Edward, stop, that's fucking wrong. Babies eat this." Bella can't fight off the clouds of laughter as she tries to focus on the road.

"What? You've never seen a hippo hump a giraffe in cracker form?"

"No, you sick-o!"

"How the hell do you think Gippos are made?"

"I believe they are called Hiraffes… Damn, get your facts straight, boy!"

"Oh? What's this?" I gasp as I trot an elephant across the dashboard. "What happens when an elephant encounters a hippo and giraffe's mating session?" I announce in an Australian Steve Irwin voice.

"Crikey…" Bella mirrors my accent.

"That's right! A three-way!" I march the elephant right into the mess of Gippo/Hiraffe.

"E-Edward!" Bella snorts with laughter. "That's not kosher…."

"Kosher? Not to worry, love…I have a rabbi on stand by!" I grin as I toss the Elegippo into my mouth. "His name is Edward, and he has one sick yamica."

"And how are you a Mathematics Major?"

"Cuz I'm wicked smart." I channel Ben and Matt.

"Cuz you're wicked weird," she shakes her head with a smirk.

* * *

"Can we puh-lease get a DVD player up in here?" Bella pouts as she taps the sun divider where a CD slot resides.

"Maybe Ms. Buckingham could direct us to the nearest Super-Walmart."

"Been there…done that."

"Ms. Buckingham!" I call in a thick British accent.

Bella presses a button, waking Ms. Buckingham - the worst GPS on the face of this fucked up, zombified, Hot Pocket-less world. _"Welcome,"_ the voice of a monotone lady greets.

"Where to, Biff?"

"Hm, Muffy, excellent predicament we have ourselves in, hmm?"

In case you haven't caught on, Bella and I have given each other British names when talking to Ms Buckingham. I am Biff, and Bella is Muffy. Haters to the left.

"Utterly troubling."

"Didn't you say you had some mates sitting around at Seattle U?"

"Ah, Biff, correct! Seattle U we go!" Bella sings as she types in the address to her dorm.

"_Continue 273 miles then, turn right." _Ms. Buckingham, the bearer of bad news instructs.

My eyes travel from a glare towards Ms. Buckingham to Bella's equally frustrated expression before both crying out in unison. "Bloody hell!"


	18. Chapter 15 I'm Lovin' It

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!You guys should for sure follow Zombieward and Zombella1 on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!Another poll is on the profile, please vote!Chapter Notes: How about a little fun?~Cici

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Why do people feel that it's necessary to travel the world? Do they find enjoyment in sitting - no, I'm sorry "sitting" is too extravagant - vacuum packing themselves into microscopic rental cars that cost three months of their salary? Or is it the smell of fresh vomit staining your vinyl economy class seats as a baby screams like a T-Rex behind you on a red eye flight with three Heavyweight summer camps present that brings a smile to their faces? Whatever it is, I see no fucking point.

"You alright, hot potato?" Bells eyes drift from the road, meeting my frustrated expression with a snort.

"Who makes these cars? What are they good for?" My feet anchor on the dashboard as I attempt to push the seat back. "Mother fucker."

"I hear they make great caskets."

"Har Har. We've got a comedian on board."

"Tips are welcome."

"Oh, I have a few tips for you," I smirk and turn on the smolder.

"No sexy flirtation while I'm driving, Cullen!"

* * *

"You had my heart, my soul, my attentionBut you walked out my life with my CD collection. We're Breaking Up! Breaking up is hard enough (oh oh oh oh)Say you had nothing but I called your got my sweaters, my hat...I can't find my cat! *meow*The Hardest Part Of Breaking Upis getting Back Your Stuff. "

"What _ridiculous _piece of shit you call music are you singing now?" Bella hisses.

"Only the 90's MTV based Boy Band known as 2gether's first hit!"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Together as in 2gether 2gether? With that fat guy named Doug?"

"Fuck yes!" I riot.

"Oh. My. God. I slept outside of a radio station for two concert tickets. How the hell could I have forgotten _The Hardest Part of Breaking Up_?

"I have no idea, but the only way you can make it up to the boys is to sing one in their honor…."

I'll spare you our two hour long 2gether sing off, but I will give you the Sparknotes version. America is lucky Bella and I did not try out for American Idol. Simon, I still love you brah brah.

* * *

4 a.m. hits and Bella falls into a sleep coma, leaving me as the driver. I guess we're lucky there's no zombie mob out here but I wouldn't protest for a few zombie hitchhikers.

* * *

"I have to pee, I have to pee, I have to pee." Bella wiggles in her seat, crossing her legs every few milliseconds.

"Sleep one second-,"

"Don't start your nonsense, I _have_ to urinate in the next 10 minutes or zombies are going to start looking friendlier than me," a sharp tone slices through her voice, her eyes locking on mine.

"Easy, Seabiscuit, I'll pull over."

"Pull OVER? You have got to be fucking joking!"

"The woods is our bathroom, Bella. We piss all over the place and wipe our asses with Poison Ivy, it's how it works."

"Not this fucking time. Find a Rest Plaza or something."

"That may take a while-,"

"EDWARD!"

"Okay! Shit…" I rub my already perspiring forehead and continue driving down the endless highway.

Minutes pass by in silence, the only sound being Bella's constant fidgeting. "If you're PMS-ing I'm sure there's-"

"EDWARD!"

"Sorry."_ Total PMS. _

A few more minutes inch by and my eyes seem to have locked on a sign reading:

_Resting Plaza Next Exit_

"Hey Bella…"

"Edward….," she warns.

"I'm not going to suggest your womanly problems, I was just going to say that there's a plaza after the next exit."

"Perfect, please hurry." Relief tinges her voice as she eagerly unbuckles her seat belt, much to my protest.

Last time I told her to buckle her seat belt she called me Safety Patrol Boy. She was spot on. I'm not going to brag or anything, but I was Head of Safety Patrol during my Eighth Grade year. This did not amuse her.

My foot urges the gas pedal closer to the floor as Bella insists that a grandmother with Alzheimer's could drive faster than I can.

"Verbal abuse is a major contributing factor to suicide," I inform.

"A full bladder is subject to rupture at-,"

"Chill, Peecasso," I mumble half heartedly, throwing the gear into Park.

"Peecasso? Really?" She arches her eyebrows, quickly pushing the door open and frolicking into the Welcome Center.

"Oh yeah, I went there," I smirk, popping the hood to my jacket as I follow behind Bella.

The equally cool air inside the Welcome Center charges through me as the automatic doors slide open. The eerily quite and dark atmosphere conglomerates with the squeaking of Bella's footsteps as she sprints into the women's bathroom.

I cup my hands around my mouth and yell "I'll be out here!" as my eyes drift around my surroundings. "Hm, not bad," I murmur to myself as my eyes scan the Fast Food Options. _Chik-Fil-A, McDonalds, Chicken Kitchen, Nathans, Sbarros. _Pretty damn decent if you ask me. My excitement over the food options is nothing compared to what my ever-so-fucking-thankful eyes lock on next. "No shit…" I breathe in disbelief as my feet push forward.

"Dip n' Dots for the Mother Fucking Win!" I fist pump before my hands fall on either sides of the heavenly machine. I hug the gift from God tightly before stepping back and shoving one hand to my back pocket of my jeans, gold digging.

"C'mon, c'mon, daddy needs $1.25," I cheer as my hand pulls back a handful mixed change. "Hallelujah!"

"Edward?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you have some change?" Bella calls from the bathroom.

"Curses. Yes, ma'am! Coming right 'atcha," I announce, jogging towards the women's bathroom, my heart going through mitosis.

A jittery Bella stands in front of one of those Tampon Machines her lip secured between her teeth as she turns to me, her hand extended. "75 cents, please."

"I would just like to let you know," I begin as I count out 75 cents, placing it in Bella's open palm as she hastily rolls her eyes. "If I were God, the first thing I would do would be to rid all you females of the dreaded Menstrual Cycle," I grin brightly, as I tap her palm, signaling that the transaction has been completed.

"How very kind of you." She sarcastically spills as she deposit's the coins into the machine, turns a greasy knob and retrieves a tiny, elongated package. "You may go," she waves me off as she retreats to the stall.

"Yes, Your Majesty." I bow before hauling ass back to the Dip n' Dots. "C'mon, baby, work with me!" I quickly shove every last penny, dime and nickel into the machine, rapidly pressing A7.

The claw comes to life as it trudges above the cooler, stopping just above the tiny square marked A7. "Yes, yes, yes…" I chant as the claw agonizingly lowers itself into the cooler.

_Snarl._

_Growl._

_Damn, my stomach is loud._

_Thump._

"Jesus Fucking Sandra Bullock!" I cry as I slowly turn meeting my company. "And you're Ronald McDonald, yay. Listen bud, it would be really appreciated if you could help a brother out and just let me get my damn Dip n' Dots."

_Groan. Thump._

"No?" I question as my eyes dart back to the still descending claw.

_Growl._

The Zombified Ronald McDonald lurches forward, dragging his left, giant fucking clown shoe behind him. His bright red hair has been pulled out in some places and from what I can see, his yellow jumpsuit is stained with McFlurry. His mangled right hand reaches out towards me as he shuffles across the Welcome Center.

"I was never a fan of you, Ronald," I shake my head, deciding that the safe distance between us should allow the claw enough time to retrieve the Dip n' Dots and spit them out the machine. "You've always just been…creepy. And well now," I scoff, flickering my gaze to his uncoordinated movements. "Let's just say you do _not _zombify well." My eager brain forces me to squat, hands ready at the slot.

_Groan._

"I hear ya."

"Edward, what the fuck are you- whoa," Bella sputters as she casually walks out of the women's bathroom. "Holy Fucking Clown Zombie."

"Ronald, Bella. Bella, Ronald. Yay, we all know each other. C'mon fucker, give me the damn Dots!"

"Oh hey, Dip n' Dots, I love those," Bella smiles as she squats down next to me.

"Right?" I grin, turning my head to hers.

_Lurch. Moan._

"Shut up!" Bella and I both order with a laugh.

"I'll go halfsies only because you're PMS-ing." I give my best Teacher's Pet smile as Bella does her best School Yard Bully and punches me in the shoulder.

"Works for me, what flavor?"

"Chocolate, duh."

"Fuck yes."

The claw tugs the Chocolate Dip n' Dots from the cooler and slowly ascends.

"Go Little Engine that Could! You can fucking do it!" I pound on the receiving slot.

"I'm gonna take care of Ronald, kay?"

"Be-,"

"I'm just gonna trip him up, that's all."

"Fine, stay at a close distance okay? No showing off."

"Aye Aye." She salutes as she straightens her form and walks towards a kiosk. I watch her as she carefully grabs a bag of marbles, tossing it from hand to hand with a sly smirk.

_Groan. Thump._

"Your McRib is the grossest thing on the planet," she shudders as she unties the bag of marbles, leaving it open in her hand as she holds the bottom, thrusting the bag forward as hundreds of tiny speckled marbles parade the floor towards Ronald McDonald.

"Yeah, and your hair's stupid!" I yell as the claw releases the Dip n' Dots into the slot and into my awaiting hands. "SUCCESS!"

"WOO!" Bella cheers as she jumps up and down as I retrieve two spoons and make my way to her.

"My lady?" I offer a spoon.

"Thank you, kind sir," she grins, accepting the spoon as she licks her lips.

I tear open the package, spitting the torn paper onto the floor as I throw one arm around Bella's shoulder, handing her the Dip n' Dot package.

"You do the honors?"

Bella digs her spoon into the cool dots of dipped ice-cream and pulls out a perfect spoonful of chocolate goodness. She brings it towards her mouth then suddenly plunges it into my mouth. "You deserve it," she smiles softly.

I swallow the heavenly spoon-full and plant a kiss on her head. "So do you." I smile before bursting out in laughter as Bella and I watch Ronald McDonald - the meatiest of meat heads - clamber against the marbles and face plant.

"Ba da da duh da, I'm Lovin' It!"


	19. Chapter 16 Germ Paradise

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!You guys should for sure follow Zombieward , Zombella1 (NEW) and TigerKillsZombs on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!Another poll is on the profile, please vote!

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**

_Chapter Seventeen: Germ Paradise _

You'd think by the time you're of college age, you would outgrow the excitement that comes along with Ronald McDonald. For Bella and myself? Not even remotely close. We've been watching this fucker for a good thirty minutes and it only gets funnier. He's like one of those YouTube videos. You know the one with the Dramatic Hamster. The first time you watch it, you're like: "Shit, I just peed a little," but by the sixth and seventh watch, you have crapped your fucking pants.

"If I had my phone right now, I'd be recording the hell out of this." Bella buckles with laughter.

"S-shit, we'd be billionaires!" I blubber. "Bathroom break!" I reluctantly turn on my heels and begin to hustle towards the bathroom.

I quickly kick open a stall, mosey on in and prepare for take off. I usually have some nice "Bathroom Wisdom" but my brain is fuzzy from Ronald-The Zombie-McDonald. I'd for sure consider pulling a _Shawn of the Dead_ and tie Ronald up to take him along with us, but he smells like rotten McRibs. I flush the toilet with my converse and bunny hop towards the sink as I pull up my jeans and adjust my belt.

_Growl._

"How's he doing, Bells? Still keeping up the fuckery?" I call, lathering my hands with soap.

_Thump._

"Bells?"

"Edward…you're needed in the Welcome Center!"

_Squeak._

_Well that's new._

I quickly douse my hands in water and run towards the exit of the bathroom and out into the now populated Welcome Center.

"_That's _not kosher…" I cock an eyebrow as I reach Bella's side.

Ronald fights to pull himself from the ground, but that's not what Bella's eyes are fixed on. It's the zombified kids that now trickle out from the restaurant.

"I always knew their food was fucked up…" Bella shakes her head before she turns her back to them, heading for the main exit. "Really?" She exhales, stopping in her tracks as she finds the exit corded off by a few more.

I've never been much of a kid-orientated guy. I mean sure, I'll play catch or run around the house with a family friend's son or daughter, but no way in hell do I baby-sit. Twenty bucks an hour will not cover the cost for my knee surgery due to Colton's - the kid who weighs just as much as I do- mandatory "Horsey Rides." Hell-To-The-No.

I tilt my head to one side, observing the poor little meat heads. Their appearance is more startling than some of the worst mangled zombies I've seen in the past: They're small. Innocent almost. Their eyes droop slightly, that nasty eye goo crusted in the corners. Most of their clothes are ripped and stained; a few drag an arm or a leg behind as they lurch forward. Their skin is bruised, cut, bleeding and sometimes not even present.

One little girl clutches a Ronald McDonald stuffed doll - a sharpie signature from the man himself etched on the yellow suit- as she putters forward. The zombified children now fill the Welcome Center. Bella and I haven't made our move yet and I see the same glazed look on her face that, I'm assuming, is plastered on mine. Her clammy hand slips into mine and I squeeze it gently before running off into the seemingly empty McDonalds.

"There might be an exit back here," I mumble, my eyes searching.

"Should we split up?

"No." I shake my head. "I'm not leaving you alone."

The fluorescent lights of McDonald's flicker on and off, and the floor is sprinkled with fallen McFlurries. We sink farther into the small restaurant bordered by the register and one of those germ paradises - indoor Jungle Gyms.

"Shit, how the hell do you get out of here?" I mutter more to myself.

"I bet they only have one exit. The one we came in through."

_Grumble._

_Thump._

_Drag._

"Put a smile on!"

Bella turns towards the exit. "The doll did _not_ just fucking talk."

"Still stuck on the old slogan." I shake my head. "I always liked the old one better anyway."

Four jet-puffed tykes saunter into the restaurant followed by two beefy parents.

"Bad habits catch on," Bella says as we slowly back up. "Shit, I just stepped in something gooey! Please don't be an organ…"

"Dude, you're a Med Student and it's a McFlurry. Chill," I chuckle, grabbing her elbow with my other hand and pulling her.

There's that smell again…I will never get used to this fucking scent. _Wait? Is that Fries of Zombie Stink? Fries….Zombie Stink._ I sniff the air around me. _Fries….Zombie Stink. Hmm, combination of both?_

"Edward!" Bella growls, pulling on my belt loops. "Did you put your feet in fucking cement?"

"Sorry," I gulp, picking up my feet lightly before being tugged up the steps of Germ Paradise. "Whoa, I am _not_ going in there!"

"The hell you are!"

"No fucking way! Never have, never will!"

"Edward, look, dammit!" Bella grabs a hold of my chin and pivots my head towards our followers.

They have definitely multiplied since my little space out. There are easily fifteen zombified tykes and parental units now attempting to claw their way into the Jungle Gym.

"There's an open roof panel up there." Bella points. "If we can get to the top of the Jungle Gym, we can get out."

"If I get some foreign dise-"

"Edward, there are zombies. Shut the fuck up and climb!" Bella growls, hastily pulling me into one of the disease ridden tubes; the fluorescent light casting an eerie glow upon the purple cylinder of death.

"It smells like dirty diapers…"

"Shush!"

Bella crawls in front of me, providing me with a wondrous view of her ass.

"Nice a-"

"Edward!"

"Okay, okay. Crawling. No speaking."

Bella changes directions inside of another tube before emerging quickly into a standing position.

"Hey look, a ball pit," I chuckle, pointing towards the pool of rainbow colored balls.

_Growl._

The Jaws theme song plays in my head as the balls move inside the pit.

"There's one in there, am I right?"

"You're right," I respond as a bruised face with snapping jaws pops through the sea of plastic balls. A blue plastic ball rolls to my foot due to the explosion caused by the meathead in a ball pit. _Huh, that sounds like a Lifetime movie: Stay tuned for an original Life Time movie: Meathead in A Ball Pit. _I bend down, throwing it into the air and catching it with my right hand as I straighten my form. I glance at the ball, I glance at Bella and I glance at the meathead before hurling the ball towards its open mouth, hitting the bull's eye.

"Ten points for Gryffindor!" I fist pump.

"C'mon, dork," Bella rolls her eyes, pulling me up a small ladder and onto the final floor of the Jungle Gym of Horror.

"Where the fuck is it?" She spits, hurriedly moving around in search of the panel.

"Uh," I rub the back of my neck, casting my eyes down to the sea of zombies before raising my hand to the panel that hangs above. "There."

Bella's fist pounds on the roof of the Germ Paradise. "Shit," she breathes, fixing her eyes on a small slit between a few bars. "We're going to have to scale the side of the Jungle Gym and climb the rest of the way up."

"Guess I should have followed my aspiration of being a professional Rock Climber rather than going to college on a Mathematics Scholarship," I huff. "Be careful…please." I give a quick nod to Bella. A small frown tugs on my lips as I see her small form slip between the bars with ease. She's becoming frailer and it's my fault. If we would have stayed at _Super-Walmart_ we would have had more food and then - Bella's call interrupts my thoughts.

"Hurry, Edward."

I carefully hop over the bars, watching Bella carefully, ready to catch her if she slips. Her footing jerks slightly against a slick part of the Jungle Gym and my hands quickly prepare to catch her. "I'm okay," her shaky voice reassures.

"Bella. Slow, okay? We're in no rush…" I lie, sighing to myself as one zombie runs repeatedly into the cylinder, attempting to figure out such a complex object. "No rush at all."

Bella's hands reach up to a thick pole; she clasps her hands around it and shimmies up. Moments later, her figure disappears.

"Bella? Bella!"

"I'm fine, chill," Her face peers over the edge, huffing and puffing. "On the hop, okay? Einstein over there has figured out the Tube of Perplexity."

I throw a quick glance over my shoulder. One meat head is now, crawling through the tube as another attempts to climb over the cylinder. "Up I go," I huff, steadying my foot in a small lip jutting out from the Jungle Gym. I glance up towards Bella's reassuring look.

"Put your hand a few more centimeters to the left."

I slide my hand in the direction Bella calls out and soon I find another small ledge. I suck in a deep breath before pulling myself up. "Mother eff!" I groan, dangling in a split position. "My crotch is going through a fucking schism!" I cry, pressing my forehead to the side of Germ Paradise.

"Right foot, green, two inches!" Bella calls as I force myself to pivot my head.

My eyes catch another ledge, two inches to my right on a green section of the Jungle Gym - just like Bella said. I scrunch my face, groaning loudly as I force my right foot to meet the next ridge.

"So much for reproducing!"

"Uh…left foot, yellow!"

"Why have you forsaken me?" I blubber, my left foot barley meeting the yellow depression.

"Careful! You're almost there, Edward. Stay with me."

"I'd be more pliable if I could feel my family jewels!"

"Look directly up, there's a pole. You're going to have to inch up to it. I'll pull you the rest of the way up once I can reach you. Take your time, but hurry."

"That's a god damn paradox!"

"_Edward…"_ Bella groans. "Just hurry the fuck up!"

"For Sparta!" I battle cry, using every last ounce of energy to pull myself around the pole. "It smells like sneeze, great." I mutter before doing my best strip tease up the pole.

Bella lowers herself onto the roof of the Jungle Gym, her hands jutting out from the edge; inches from mine. "Almost…"

"Shit!" I yelp, sliding a few inches down the pole.

"Edward, hurry!" Bella screeches as I cast my eyes downward, finding a snarling zombie at my feet; hands stretches towards my feet with a possessive want.

"When the hell did he get there?"

"I don't know!" Bella screams, carefully sliding herself closer to the edge.

Adrenaline begins to force my body to move up the pole. _Where the fuck has it been hiding all this time? Fuck you, adrenaline. Actually, be a doll and help me out, _then _go fuck yourself. _

Bella's hand reaches for mine as I stretch mine to hers. Her lips press together in a thin line of concentration as her brow furrows. "Why. Are. Your. Hands. So. Clammy?" She grunts in frustration as my hand slips from hers.

"They only do that when I'm turned on or nervous, and I'm sure as fuck not turned on!"

"Stop talking, you're making it harder!" Bella silences my pointless blabbering and quickly grabs a hold of my wrist in a fire man's grip. "Little help," she huffs, attempting to pull me herself.

I respond to Bella's plea and kick off from the pole as she pulls. Bella pulls me to the ledge of the roof and my hands immediately grasp the lip. She reaches her hand over my back and grabs a firm hold on my belt loops before using all of her strength to haul my scrawny ass to safety.

"Un-fucking-necessary wedgie," I groan, forcing my hand down my pants to relieve myself of the straight jacket constricting my lower regions.

"Yeah, saving your life is unnecessary," Bella leans her hands on her knees, her chocolate brown hair falling around her face as she slows her breathing.

"That's n-not what I meant," I struggle to catch my breath. "T-thank you. I though w-we made it clear that I'd be l-long dead without you."

"We did," Bella straightens her back as she walks up the slanted roof of the Jungle Gym. She stretches up on her tippy toes, just tall enough to move the panel a few centimeters. A ray of light floods into the McDonalds as Bella steps to the side. I take the initiative and slowly make my way directly under the panel. I squat down to the ground.

"On my shoulders."

"But how are-."

"I can reach, you can't. Shoulders."

Bella glances at the panel and then my huddled form, her expression tells me she's calculating something.

"You're right, you're tall enough." She nods once before steadying her hands on my shoulders, giving me a knowing look. "No pervy comments."

"Aye, Aye."

"I mean it, Edward," Bella mutters as she settles one leg over my shoulder followed by the other. Her hands grip my shoulders as she balances. "Don't drop me."

"Couldn't if I had to," I mumble, slowly and carefully rising from the floor. "Tell me when you're there."

"Uh-huh," She huffs, sliding the panel completely out of her path. She grunts softly - _in the hottest way I may add-_ as she secures her hands on the edge, wiggling her way from my shoulders.

My hands re-position themselves under the ledge; spotting her as she pulls herself onto the roof of the Welcome Center.

"What do you see? I call"

"Nothing….nothing at all…" Bella sighs before turning back to the pocket.

I jump from the roof of the Germ Paradise, hooking my fingers on the ledge of the panel. Bella's hands grab a hold of mine once more and together she pulls me onto the roof.

I roll onto the roof, panting in relief that our escape has been made. Bella replaces the panel onto the gaping hole in the roof before cupping a hand over her eyes, surveying the area.

"And I _thought_ I was in shape too…" I mutter, pulling myself into a seating position as I watch Bella. The wind whips through her knotted her; the sun casting down on her dirt splotched face. A girl that is so worn out and mangled looks more beautiful than any "girl" on the pages of a magazine. "Bella…you're beautiful." My voice betrays my thoughts as Bella turns to look at me, her brow raised. She reaches for my hands and pulls me to her level.

"Your brain must be fried. Let's get the hell out of here."

"My brain's fine…it can spot a beautiful girl when it sees one," I protest, grabbing her wrist to prevent her from walking away. I pull her close, my free hand gently stroking her cheek as my head tilts down, inches from her lips.

"I owe you my life, a million times," I speak softly, my eyes cementing in her gaze.

"I didn't do much…" she trails off.

"But you have, Bella. You've made my life worth saving."

Bella's eyes flutter close and I take that as a signal. I gently lift her chin to meet my lips in a soft kiss.

_Put. Put. Put. _

_Shift._

_Vroom._

Bella's lips pull from mine as both of our heads whip in the direction of the foreign noise. The desolate plain that lies in front of us is suddenly filled with the noises of a speeding car.

"Please tell me you see that," Bella snaps, her eyes following a yellow sports car as it speeds down the highway in front of the Welcome Center

My hands instantly cup around my eyes, my gaze focusing in on the driver. "I think that's my fucking sister."


	20. AN2

**Hey Guys!**

**First off, I apologize for leaving this lame Author's Note in your inbox instead of a chapter.**

**I'm _so s_orry for all the long gaps between chapters lately! A small case of writer's block and final exams are getting to me! I'll be on summer break next week and the next chapter is on the top of my to-do list! Thank you all for sticking around and I encourage you to continue doing so because it's just getting started. *Evil Laugh* Who knows? There may even be a Cullen Family sequel…unless they're all zombified. **

**Hot Pockets to you all,**

**Cmaus1216**


	21. Chapter 17 Darth Vader and Jimmy Choo

**A/N: *Peeks in* Are you going to chop my head off with hedge trimmers? I apologize to each and everyone of you for the extremely long wait! But, since you're here, I'd like to thank you for sticking with me. Major kudos to you! Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!You guys should for sure follow Zombieward , Zombella1 (NEW) and TigerKillsZombs on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!**

**Last but not least...enjoy!**

Chapter 17: Darth Vader and Jimmy Choo**  
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"Your sister?" Bella sputters, "What is she doing here?"

"I…I don't know!" I yelp, my feet taking off towards the edge of the building. My hands once again cupping over my eyes as they follow the yellow car. "We need to follow her before she gets too far." I turn away from the edge, my eyes scoping for a way off of the roof without flattening ourselves like sweet, fluffy pancakes. Hm, now I'm hungry. Shaking away that thought my eyes narrow on a tree, one of its branches conveniently hanging over the roof, or so I thought.

As I near the tree, Bella at my side, the branch seems to have…jumped farther away from the building, erecting a heavy sigh from my throat.

"But…you're like…lanky. You can reach it, can't you?"

"Are you calling me Michael Cera again?"

"No, if I were I would've called you Juno. Now reach, Juno!"

"Good God, woman!" I huff as my hands involuntarily swipe at the tree branch, Bella's tiny hands gripping onto the waistband of my jeans as if it would do any good.

"Hurry, she's getting away!" She snaps, my fingers grazing the leaves before my hand connects with a branch.

"Aha!" I grin triumphantly as I somehow manage to pull myself up and into the tree. "Trust me?" I raise a brow at Bella as I extend my hand towards her, my other arm gripping the branch behind me as I lean towards her.

Biting her lip she shuffles closer to the edge of the building, her hand reaching out towards mine as I murmur. "Careful, Bella…slowly." She nods as my words travel to her, her hand beginning to shake slightly before her fingers scrape against mine. "Almost…" I mutter, sweat beginning to pool on my forehead before finally grasping her wrist in an all powerful fireman's grip,

"I've got you!"

"No, you don't!"

"It's a fucking fireman's grip. I DO!"

"Don't drop me!"

"I'm not. Now jump!" I order, our time quickly running out as I catch a glimpse of a zombie emerging from the entrance on the ground.

"Fucking Gum Drops!" Bella screeches as she leaps from the edge of the building, my grip on her wrist proving itself as I easily pull her into my arms.

"I told you I wouldn't drop you," I whisper into her ear, a small smile twitching at her lips. "C'mon, we've got a car to catch."

After a few branches to the face, a nest full of birds firing their shit and one pissed off squirrel later, we made it to the ground. I'm not entirely sure how it happened, considering I'm no Thor and my fireman's grip was pretty much just a fluke, but we did. And safely.

Hurrying to the car, my usual love of the kill slips away as a meat head limps towards the Smart Cart. The potential ability of seeing my sister, non-zombified, takes first place as I usher Bella into the passenger's seat and quickly take my place beside her. The Smart Cart roars to life in an instant and before we know it, we're racing down the highway towards my hopefully non-brain craving sister.

"What's she like, Edward?" Bella prompts as she pulls her knees to her chest, attempting to diffuse the slight tension filling the car.

"Insane. Hyperactive. More bubbly than Mentos and Diet Coke. She once stabbed a mugger in the chest…with her high heel shoe."

"Are you serious?"

"Oh, God, no. She wouldn't get blood on a pair of her own shoes." I shake my head, chuckling quietly to myself. "They were someone else's."

"Then I guess it makes sense that she's still alive." Bella echoes my small laugh. "I guess badass qualities run in the Cullen family."

"You know how we do." I Kanye West shrug, sending Bella into a bigger fit of laughter.

"Calm yourself, woman! I can't hear the sweet purr of the Smart Cart over your hyena cackle!" I smirk, reaching my hand over to nudge her shoulder.

"_My_ hyena cackle? Dude, you sound like a fucking frog when you sleep! You bloody croak!"

"I…c-croak?" I sputter, laughter coursing through my veins.

"Yes! You croak then go all Darth Vader on my slumbering ass!"

"Bella…." I inhale a deep breath and exhale painfully slow through my deep voice. "I am your lover…." Cupping my hands over my mouth, I continue with my classic impression of Darth Vader.

"Yep…." She begins to clap her hands together, fighting back a smile as she nods. "There it is….Darth Cullen."

"I'll be here all week," I smirk as I bow my head. "Alright, alright, we need some Focus Factor up in here." I shake my head as I accelerate further. Alice's car had picked up the pace way back at the Kanye Shrug and per usual, my attention was stolen by Bella. I can't help myself…those deep brown eyes, her smooth ivory skin…_Really Cullen…really? You're loosing sight of your sister and you're thinking about baby butt skin and poop eyes? Work with me here, fucker! _Stupid Un-handy zombie notebook.

"Maybe try honking your horn and putting the brights on? It's getting dark…she should be able to see them…"

"Yeah, yeah, good idea." I nod and follow Bella's command, first the lights then a few honks.

_Meep. Meep._

"What is this, Kermit the Frog? You've _got_ to be shitting me, _that's _your fucking honk?" I scoff.

"Yeah, that was really anti-climatic. I wasn't expecting a fog horn or anything but….that was just…like…wow."

"I'm so close to just driving this thing off a cliff. A steep, steep cliff," I scowl, throwing my fist into the center of the steering wheel. Suddenly, the clouds parted and an angel descended as he strummed a harp. Okay, not exactly, but in that second the smart cart erupted into a loud and obnoxious car alarm.

A grin that would put the Grinch's to shame slid across my face as Bella cupped her hands over her ears.

"Shit, that's loud! I guess you hurt his feelings, Edward!"

"It's perfect!" I yell, kissing the steering wheel vigorously. "I love you, I love you, I love you!" I shake my head in disbelief as I quickly unbuckle my seatbelt and direct my attention to Bella. "Take the wheel and flash the brights for me? I'm going to stick my head out the window and try to flag her down. Drive as fast as possible."

"Yeah, yeah, I can do that." Bella winces as she uncovers her hands from her ears, easily switching places with me other than a few head bumps. "I got it, I got it." She assures as she takes the gas pedal and the wheel from me. "Please be careful, I really wouldn't like you to get beheaded by a Burger King sign."

"Yes, ma'am!" I salute, rolling down the window and easing my torso into the oncoming wind.

"ALICE!" I muster every bit of energy to howl her name into the night. "ALICE!"

I repeat her name over and over in intervals between the car alarm as Bella flashes the bright lights over and over.

"Fucking Porsche! Little faster, Bells?"

"I'm going as fast as it'll go!"

"Flooring it?"

"Flinstoning it!"

"MARY-ALICE CULLEN!" I yelp louder and louder as the Smart Cart sputters after my sister, who now disappears around a corner. "PRADA! GUCCI! JIMMY-FUCKING-CHOO!"

_Screech. Engine Revving. _

"You've _got_ to be joking…."

Alice's yellow Porsche steals from around the bend and hauls ass backwards before jerking into a spin and screeching to a halt in front of us like a stunt driver. Bella nails the brakes just as Alice does, grins spreading over both of our faces as I slither out the passenger's seat window. I crash onto the pavement, but quickly manage to pull myself up and retrieve Bella from the passenger's seat.

"We did it." I smile, pressing a kiss to her temple before jetting off towards my sister as she exits her car, a look of disbelief etched onto her face.

"I…I th-…you're alive?" Alice struggles with her words, as she grips her car door for support. Her petite form was even smaller as she stood against the car, dirt sprinkled over her exposed skin, but not in a messy way. It was as if she worked with the dust and dirt like it was makeup. No one looked put together in Zombieland, but Alice didn't look anything close to Bella and me. She worked with what she had, classic Alice.

"Yeah, I'm alive," I manage, my voice dropping an octave lower than usual as I stop at the hood of her car. "And so are you, Al." It was happening…I was manning up and letting myself cry.

"Yeah," she breathes a small laugh as she dabs at her eyes and quickly steps away from the door and runs into my arms.

My arms instantly secure themselves around my baby sister, my chin resting on her head as she cries into my chest. "Sh, Al, it's okay…"

I throw a glance over my shoulder at Bella, who is awkwardly leaning against the Smart Cart as she chews on her lip. She gives me a reassuring smile as she catches my eyes and nods once, mouthing: "Take your time."

"I…I- I don't know anything about mom and dad a-and Jasper o-or Rose and Em, nothing, Edward!"

"I'm here, we're here. We're going to find them, we're all going to be okay," I know my next words needed to be said. The only problem is that I don't know if I can keep them. "I promise."

Alice gently scoots out of my arms, a sheepish smile taking her small features. "I haven't showered since…" she laughs as she fixes her hair. "I can't even remember."

"Believe me, I know. I've been using a car freshener as deodorant. I smell like a forest." I match her chuckle as I shrug my shoulders, thankful for the subject changer. "You look good though, Ali. Honestly."

"I've been doing okay for myself," she smiles, a hint of pride threaded in her words.

"I always knew you had it in you. Who would've guessed that a little zombie apocalypse would be all it took to unleash your wild side." I grin, nudging her in the side, her ribs more visible than I'd like.

"I know, I know, I'm pretty bad ass." Alice giggles softly as she leans around my form to peer at Bella. "Who's she?"

"Oh, my fault. Alice, this is Bella Swan, my girl-, my friend." I close my eyes, mentally junk punching myself. "Bella, my sister Alice."

"Hey Alice." Bella politely smiles as she leans away from the Smart Cart, extending her hand once at my side.

"Nice to meet you, Bella," Alice grins brightly as she shakes Bella's hand. A slight twinkle glows in Alice's eyes as she wriggles her nose. She used to do this all the time, usually right before she would jet off to a Coach sale or the grand opening of a new Kate Spade, it never ended well.

"You too," Bella nods before directing her gaze to me.

"Well, this has been a big five minutes of our lives and I don't know about you two, but I'm fucking whipped. I'd give my right arm to sleep in a bed…any bed."

"Any zombie would surely help you with that!" Alice snickers.

"I was _just_ going to say that…" Bella's laugh joins my sister's.

"Great…now I have to deal with you turning Bella into another one of your minions. Can't wait." I fake eagerness, my voice dripping with sarcasm.

"Hush, Edward! You're lucky I'm here to save your sorry ass."

"Believe me, Bella was already doing that for me."

"Kid's got a point." Bella shrugs with another light laugh.

"I honestly don't know which is worse, you two or a pack of rabid zombies."

And with that I received two swift slaps to both of my cheeks. _I never seem to catch a break. _

**A/N:Thank you to the wonderful Mimi for beta-ing my stories!~Thank you to everyone who has helped me pimp this story out including The Wayward Pushers and all their amazing people! They made a GREAT banner for this story that's on my profile! Check it out! Also a HUGE thanks to TwiFic Promotions!Thank YOU for all your reviews, keep them up I love to know what you guys want to read!You guys should for sure follow Zombieward , Zombella1 (NEW) and TigerKillsZombs on twitter; they're all kinds of fun!Another poll is on the profile, please vote!**


	22. AN Story CONTINUING

Hey Guys!

Before you read any further, I'll get out what I'm writing to say. Yes, the story is back.

Okay, know that that's over with I'd like to apologize for abruptly ceasing to upload chapters but, I hope you stuck around. What happened was this. I became so caught up in this story that I began writing it with my own characters, not Edward and Bella. The personalities stayed the same and so did the antics, so no worries there. I wrote and wrote and wrote and then...I finished. And then I began writing a sequel.

I hope you still want to read it because I think you'll enjoy it greatly. There's a catch though...when I began writing my own characters, a new one suddenly appeared with "Alice", he, in my new addition, is her twin but for now we will know him as Alice's twin brother, Emmett. Yes, I realize they are not twins in the books or movie but for this story, they will be.

I think that's all you need to know...I'll let the rest unfold istself...


	23. Chapter 18 The Roommate

**Aaaaand, we're back! Hope you read the AN previous to the chapter and if not, scoot on over and do so before you read the new update! Thank you, thank you, thank you for staying with this story for so long, it means so much to me and I really don't deserve all the support I've been getting. But, thank you. I really and truly appreciate it all. Pardon me if there's a few errors, I'm too antsy to send it off to my wonderful Beta, Mimi, but I will make sure the chapters in the future are error free! If you're a bit confused feel free to PM me and I'll be glad to straighten things out for ya! As always, I hope you enjoy the new update and feel free to leave your opinions in a review!**

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**_Chapter Nineteen: The Roommate_**

The instant that the zombified rooster crows, I round up the troops and we collectively set off towards Seattle U. Bella says she has some weird promise to fulfill with her roommate Angela and I'm not about to disturb the balance of her voodoo ways. Our original course to zombie freedom had seemed to loop us in a bit of a circle so our projected arrival is dawning quickly on our caravan. Before we know it, the entrance to Seattle U home of Rudy the Redhawk comes into view and our motorcade busses further into the campus.

The school looks deserted, almost like I imagine it did during the earlier morning hours after a dorm party. It appears quiet, dare I say even peaceful. The campus bares a slight resemblance to my own and this recollection is what sparks a slight worried shiver to snake down my spine.

"Shall we head out?" Bella interrupts my thoughts as she instructs me to park in the center of the quad,

"Ready when you are," I nod and follow her directions.

"Where to, Bella?" Alice pipes in after pulling her yellow Porsche in just behind the Smart Car. Emmett emerges from the passenger side looking slightly groggy and a bit irritated.

"Just across the quad to Gillis Hall," She starts and quickly adds more to her thought as she catches Emmett rubbing his eyes with yawn, "but I can go on my own, you guys can wait here."

"No way."

"Nu uh."

"Sounds good to me."

"Em, splash some ice tea on your face and man up!" Alice bellows.

"Why can't I just wait in the car?" He whines.

"Cause we're all in this together, now scoot!"

Emmett grumbles something foul under his breath and slides from the Porsche, zipping up his hoodie. "Let's get a move on, I need my sleep."

Alice rolls her eyes as Bella gives a quiet laugh.

"Alright then, Bella, lead the way," I gesture towards the quad in front of us and hand her the axe from the gas station, twirling Tiger in my free hand. "Everybody got their weapons?"

Alice gives her rifle a little wiggle and Emmett lazily raises his baseball bat.

"Right this way," Bella murmurs with an uneven exhale.

We venture across the barren clearing of the campus towards the direction of Gillis Hall. I can hear Emmett and Alice bickering quietly in tow behind us but I'm only focusing on Bella as she trudges forward. She's nervously biting her lip again and her fingers fidget against the grip of the axe. I open my mouth to Edm her anxiety but I'm interrupted by the rustling of a nearby bush. Our makeshift army halts instantly, and you can almost hear everyone's individual muscles tense as they ready their weapons. Alice cocks her gun, Emmett's bat is raised in the traditional batting position similar to mine with Tiger, while Bella's grip tightens on her axe.

After a few moments of tortuous silence, a squirrel jumps from the bush and scurries across the quad. Everyone immediately relaxes, and I let out a relieved chuckle although I'm surprised the little guy wasn't turned like that zombified chipmunk a while back. Who knew Alvin could be so evil? The spongy grass flattens beneath our quiet footsteps as we continue on our route and I can just make out a sign that reads "Gillis Hall" hanging limply from a pair of large, wooden double doors.

"Home sweet home…" Bella sighs as she climbs the stone steps leading to the doors.

"Not bad," Emmett mutters, knocking his fist against the rock banister. "So, I'll just wait here an-"

"Don't be so lazy, Em," Alice scowls as she pulls Emmett from the banister he decided to make into a chair.

I roll my eyes as I catch Bella's entertained expression. I don't know which is worse, the fact that Bella finds Thing One and Thing Two amusing or the fowl stench of zombie that carries into my nostrils with the passing breeze.

"I suggest we get in and out as soon as possible, guys. We don't want this to turn into a suicide mission," I interrupt.

"Right," Bella gulps. "Uhm, right this way."

Bella leads us through the large doors, her nose wrinkling instantly as the draft of air rushes past.

"I knew I should've brought my mini body spray," Alice mumbles under her breath, causing Emmett to roll his eyes.

Gillis Hall, like the rest of Zombieland, looks ransacked. Stained couches have been overturned, coffee tables lay strewn about with their contents sprinkled around the large common room as if someone launched them from a cannon. A phone desperately dangles from the front desk, the dial tone providing an annoying hum as Bella leads us onward.

"Our dorm was on the fourth floor, mind if we take the stairs?" Bella proposes, her lips pursing as she throws a glance to the elevator. "I don't think the elevator's are working…they barley did before."

"Only if Edward carries me on his back like he used to," Emmett mutters, obviously not a fan of hiking up the stairs.

"That was when you weighed 30 lbs and had a bowl cut," I counter through a chuckle.

"Haircuts can be duplicated, oh brother of mine."

"As much as I'd love to see you with a bowl cut again, I'll pass."

"Your loss," Emmett says as she gives his shaggy hair a quick shake, resembling a Chocolate Brown Labrador.

"C'mon, weirdoes, we don't have all day," Alice butts in, brushing passed me and Emmett as she makes her way next to Bella, giving her hip a light bump with her own. "Such dorks, huh?"

"Total dweebs," Bella snickers as she quickly casts her eyes in my direction before pulling open the door to the stairwell and beginning to climb.

After the second flight, Emmett insists we leave him behind. You'd think the kid weighed more than 130 lbs and had never seen life outside of his couch, but in reality, Emmett was just incredibly lazy. After promising him that I'd hook him up with the first hot, non zombified girl we find, he reluctantly rejoins the assembly and we reach the fourth floor in a few minutes.

"Just down the hall and around the corner," Bella mumbles, more to herself than to anyone else.

I manage to pull myself to the front of the group, peaking my head around the corner with Tiger firmly clutched between my hands. I check right, left and right again before declaring the coast clear and venturing down the carpeted hallway. Doors are swung open, nail marks eating away at the wood paneling and not a hint of life. Bella rattles off her and Angela's room number and before I can ask what the school mascot of Seattle U is, we're standing in front of Room 119.

I nudge the door open with Tiger and I can hear everyone holding their breaths as I peer around the doorway. I tighten my grip, preparing myself for a sudden attack but nothing comes.

"Emp-," I start as I turn around to face the others, but am suddenly interrupted by a petite meathead limping in our direction. " Incoming!" She stands only about five feet tall and dawns none other than a scarlet red and white Seattle U bathrobe. Her hair is mostly held in by a shower cap but a few holes release sprigs of grimy, jet black hair.

Before I can pull Tiger back for momentum, Alice cocks her gun and sends a shot directly between the yellow eyes. "Point Alice!" She cheers as the zombie falls limply onto the floor.

"Speed demon," I raise a brow in her direction, slightly taken aback by witnessing my tiny sister fire a gun.

"Get used to it, Ed, there's only one speed in Z-land," she smirks.

The bad thing about guns? They attract the others.

"Are you sure she's not in there?" Bella's voice raises over the thumping of feet heading in our direction.

"I didn't see anything, we have to go, Bella, we'll keep looking, I promise," I do my best to appease Bella, my hand dropping to rest on her lower back as I urge her down the hall. "Just not here. Emmett, Alice, let's go!"

The group of about seven zombies are in hot pursuit as we clamber down the hall. Alice suggests we nip them in the bud now but I tell her that will only attract more and more. Bella leads us down another stairwell into what seems to be the musty, yet seemingly untouched basement of Gillis Hall.

"There's an exit down the hall, pass the laundry rooms," she breathes, setting down her axe to unplug one of the vending machines.

Just like at Super-Walmart, I press my palms against the cold metal and help Bella to slide it in front of the open archway that empties into the basement. The room holds a few worn out couches, an old TV equipped with bunny ears, a foosball table, a microwave or two and a small fridge that is leaking a scent similar to that of a zombie.

"Can we please make a plan first? I really don't wanna run around campus like a chicken with it's head cut off," Emmett huffs, catching my arm as I usher Alice and Bella across the basement.

"If we stay around to chat, you _will_ be running around like a chicken with it's head cut off," my voice sounds impatient as a meathead slams into the vending machine. "Can we walk and talk, please?"

"You might have to run and talk…" Alice mutters as a bruised arm slips between the small crack between the doorway and vending machine, snarls bouncing off the stone walls.

"Multitasking, I love it," I roll my eyes with a huff and prompt Bella to lead us the rest of the way.

She promises that an exit is near and not knowing anything about the Seattle U campus, I put my full trust in her. The main room of the basement breaks off into a narrow hallway with arches lining the walls that lead to the laundry rooms. I catch up to Bella who is now biting her lip nervously and mumbling something about how these hallways never seem to end.

"I know this isn't the time for pressure, but…" I whisper as the crashing of glass booms through the amplified halls.

"I swear there was an exit here!" Bella's voice tinges with panic, her eyes searching down hallways as growls and groans invade our eardrums. "There!" Bella takes off down a connecting passage. The soft glow from the outside sky spills in through a small, rectangular window and casts an eerie shadow upon our faces as we follow closely behind. Alice steals forward and rams her small shoulder into the door which obligingly gives way and opens into another quad. Bella runs through the threshold followed by Emmett and then myself. I nudge Alice out of the way and jam the door back into it's place just as a rogue zombie slams against the metal. Thankfully, the door locks from the outside and for now, a group of meatheads have been contained.

"Too…early…to run like…that," Emmett huffs and puffs as he rests his hands on his knees and hangs his head.

With one dormitory free of Bella's roommate, Angela, our next stop leads us to a much smaller dorm Edled Puckers Place. PP's , as Bella says, is the one dorm you do everything in your power to keep yourself from being placed in. Supposedly, the only positive thing about Puckers Place is that it houses the only indoor swimming pool on campus. Like that says much. The shattered glass doors don't quite convey a message of welcome as we try to quietly crunch over broken shards of glass.

"One of her swim team friends lives here," Bella nods. "Sometimes they'd hang out after practices."

"Where should we start?" I ask.

"I'm not really sure…maybe we should split up."

"Emmett and I can search downstairs, and you two upstairs," Alice hooks her arm through Emmett's and gives me a small wink. "Bella, what does Ang look like?"

"I'm not su-," I start but am cut off by Alice.

"We're not five anymore, Ed, trust me. There's nothing like chopping a zombie's head off to grow someone up. Features, Bella? Hair color?"

"Uh, she's about my height…dark, straight hair usually tied back," Bella drums her fingers against her axe, her lips twisting to the side as she thinks. "Oh! She's probably wearing UGGS, in some insanely vibrant color…"

The revalidation of my hatred for certain types of casual footwear: Crocs, UGGS and those chunky sneakers that are supposed to give you muscles in places you didn't know you had. All sick inventions of El Diablo in my opinion.

"Ugh, I hate those things."

"Me too, she has about a pair in every color."

"I think they're comfy…the sheepskin is soft." Emmett adds.

"Okay then, we all hate UGGS except Emmett. Can we get a move on?"

"I didn't say I _loved_ them,."

"Fine, you hate them."

"Stop putting words in my mouth, Ed!"

"Holy Sandra Bullock, can we just go already?" I'm even starting to sound a bit like my brother as I whine.

"Meet back here in thirty!" Alice exclaims as she shoos Emmett down a corridor.

"She's like a Furby, never shuts up."

"I think she's sweet," Bella protests with a small laugh but quickly catches my look of disdain. "This way."

The hallways are more modern than Gillis Hall. What seems to be new carpeted floor paves the path around the square building, the neutral walls sprinkled with the remnants of zombified students. Spacious windows provide a sheltered student a view of the mayhem spreading through their once normal campus.

"You take one side or the hallway, I take the other?" I interrupt as I find Bella straightening a picture that hangs teetering on the wall. She nods and moves forward, peering into the half open doors as they appear.

"Ed? Do…do you think we'll find her?"

"I hope so," that's all I can manage as I continue down the hall.

"Not her," Bella sighs, exhausted as Alice pulls the trigger, piercing through the zombie's skull. We've been at it for an hour. Running back and forth as Emmett thinks he's found Bella's roommate only to find out that brown hair isn't the same as platinum blonde. Or when Alice mistakes fake Uggs for real ones.

"Where'd Emmett go?" I throw a glance to Alice as I rub Bella's back soothingly.

"He said he had to use the bathroom and then he'd check the pool, it's right through,- oh God."

I follow Alice's gaze through a wall lined with large, translucent windows. Emmett sits on the edge of a diving board, a Life Ring resting around his neck as he leisurely stares into his watery reflection. A track suit wearing zombie clumsily climbs up the ladder, eyes locked on a potential snack.

"Emmett, you idiot! Turn around!" Alice bangs her hands on the door sitting next to the windows. "Why don't these doors work?"

"You have to get buzzed in!" Bella snaps, rapping her fists on the windows.

"Snap out of it, Emmett!" I growl.

He gazes into the calm water, legs swinging slowly, fingers twisting in the strings hanging from the brightly colored raft and unaware of the dangers of a diving board.

Alice backs up a few feet, cocks her gun and fires it through the roof, startling a now annoyed Emmett.

"I asked for five minutes!" He howls, sloppily pulling himself into a standing position and almost loosing his balance as he meets the yellow eyes of the track zombie. "Oh."

A bruised hand swishes through the air, nearly missing his nose and causing Emmett to duck.

"Where's his bat?"

"Leaning against the ladder, typical!" Alice scoffs and begins to prepare for another shot. "I'm…out," she murmurs in disbelief. "I swear I had more!"

"You should've shot through the window!"

"I wasn't thinking!"

"Guys! Calm down!" Bella snarls, banging her fist against the window. "We need to try to get it's attention! Hey, meathead!"

Emmett nearly falls off the diving board as the zombie snaps it's jaws closer and closer. "Do something!" He shouts, gripping the Life Ring as a shield.

"Fresh meat over here!" Alice yelps.

The meathead's hands lurch forward and a light bulb must've gone off in Emmett's brain because his eyes suddenly brighten. He tosses the Life Ring and it drops perfectly around the zombie's head like a game of Horseshoes. The zombie is momentarily mystified and Emmett takes this time to wrap the strings around it's neck. He groans loudly, arms groping the air. Emmett does probably the smartest thing I've seen him do since he discovered the secret of the vending machine at our old middle school. He backs to the edge of the diving board and shoves his foot in the path of the gurgling zombie which in a few seconds topples into the water, gasping for air.

Bella, Alice and I all breathe a sigh of relief. Emmett scratches his head and peers into the water, a slight and amused expression taking his usually annoyed and lazy face. "Well that's ironic. It did the exact opposite of what it's supposed to."

"_Please _don't fall in, Em!" Alice groans and gives another knock to the door.

Emmett hops off the diving board and retrieves his bat before meeting us at the door. His brow furrows and he's about to ask why we locked him out but he then sees the buzzer and gives a dorky laugh and lets himself in.

"What did you do, turn your brain off?" Alice hisses, bopping him in the forehead with the heel of her hand.

"I was meditating."

"Classic…" I snort.

"Nice improv, Emmett," Bella praises.

"Right?" He grins.

_Thump._

_Groan._

_Ugg. _

"Uh oh…"

"Who is it?"

Our backs slowly turn to face a Bella sized zombie with dark pulled back hair, a scarlet red "Swim, Redhawks, Swim!" t-shirt and a particularly grimy pair of sparkly Uggs.

"Oh my god. It's my roommate," Bella and a zombified Ang groan harmoniously.


	24. Chapter 19 Go, Redhawks!

**_Chapter Twenty: Go, Redhawks!_**

* * *

"Kill her, quick!" Emmett shrieks, cowering behind Alice.

"No, I promised her!"

"Who makes a promise over deciding when to kill your roommate?"

"We did!"

"Uh, guys…can we make a decision within the century?" Alice slinks towards the door.

"Bella, we don't have to kill her but we _really_ need to leave," I push.

"Fine!" she yelps, reluctantly stumbling away from a nearly missed swipe of Angela's bruised claw.

Bella's expression drops, the color drains from her face with every forced step taken away from Puckers Place. I try talking to her, attempting to get her to think about something else but she keeps her jaw fixed and her eyes focused on the path in front of her. I don't blame her for shutting me out, _us_ out. After all, I've found two of my siblings and Bella's found no one. Not even her roommate.

We decide to head back to the car and make one last drive-by before leaving Seattle University for good. The day begins to close, clusters of clouds flank the dimming sun as it sinks further and further into the hill side.

"Is there anyone else we could look for, Bella?" Alice offers, draping her arm around Bella's shoulders. She shakes her head; a silent no. "Edward told me we'd stop by your folk's place once we make it into Forks. We'll keep looking, sweets. I promise." Alice presses a reassuring kiss to Bella's temple and I can't help but see our mother in her.

Always comforting. Always supportive, always strong when everyone else is weak. I never noticed how much she looks like our mother. She's grown up since the last time we were all together, the summer before the recent school year. The last _real_ family gathering we had before hell broke loose. There's not much I can do to fight off the question eating away at my brain like a zombie. Will we ever have a summer like that again?

_Groan._

Emmett sighs.

_Thump._

Alice cocks her gun.

"Bella, you guys have the lamest mascot, _ever_," Emmett scoffs.

"What do you - oh….Hey, Rudy the Redhawk."

Emmett snorts as he turns in my direction. "S'got a lame name too." I jab him in the stomach with Tiger and give him a look that says: _watch out or you'll be wearing the chicken suit. _

"What did they do to you, Rudy?" Bella sighs, tilting her head to the side as she examines the red, patchy bird suit. Rudy snarls. "Yeah, tell me about it."

"Look, there's Angela. Hey, Angela!" Emmett hollers, waving his arms in the air at a thumping Angela.

"Hush, Em!" Alice stuffs Emmett's hands to his side and grips his chin to thwart his babbling.

"Really, Ang? You couldn't just stay put?' Bella sighs, dropping her forehead into her hand.

_Moan._

_Growl._

_Thump. _

"Course not, you just _had_ to taunt me," Bella mutters exasperatedly.

_Thump._

"Thump, thump, thump. Groan, groan, groan! God, and I thought you were annoying before you were a zombie! One more moan and heads are rolling," she warns, swinging her axe in anticipation.

Alice, Emmett and I watch dazedly as Bella waves her axe around while going off on a mini tirade, dropping some curses that would make Carrot Top look like the second coming of Christ. But just as quickly as the meatheads stumbled upon us, Bella's tantrum suddenly fizzles out.

"You know what? No," she huffs, dropping her axe straight into the ground. "Just leave, Angela. Get out of here…Go!" Without another word, Bella turns and stalks towards the car leaving Angela thumping in the dust.

"So…we're not killing that zombie?" Emmett mutters, confused.

Alice and Emmett trail behind the Smart Car, the subtle hum from the engine is the only noise interfering with the dark night. Bella fell asleep shortly after departure and though the journey seems endless, hours float by before she wakes up.

I had just finished refilling both the cars with the gas we brought along from the station when Bella's hoarse voice peeps, "Let me drive." Her arms stretching out in front of her as she releases a yawn. "You need to rest," she protests as I shake my head. She uncoils herself from the passenger seat, crosses in front of the car and slips between the small opening between my arm and the door. "Sleep."

I nod dumbly, not quite able to deny myself a few hours of shut eye and filter into the passenger seat.

"I'm sorry about what happened back there," I whisper. "It doesn't change anything, though. We're still going to look for your parents, Bella, I won't break that promise."

"I know," she nods, her voice soft.

The usual purr of the Smart Cart engine vanishes and as my eyes groggily flicker open, I find Bella idling outside of a small two story house in a suburban neighborhood, blankly staring into the dark windows.

"My house," she murmurs when she catches me watching her. "I uh, didn't want to go in alone, but you were sleeping so I just…parked."

"You could've woken me up, you know I don't mind," I nod, casting a glance behind me at a sleeping Emmett and Alice who's fiercely battling the comfort of sleep. I readjust myself in the passenger's seat, noting the time on the clock: 4:37 am. "I should go wake them. They can keep watch while we go in." Bella nods and I slip out of the car.

"Do you guys mind keeping an eye out? Bella and I are going inside to look for her parents," I ask, giving Emmett's cheek a "wake-up" slap through the open window. "Honk if there's trouble."

"Of course not, be careful, okay? If you're not out in fifteen we're coming in," Alice throws me a worried look.

"We'll be as quick and careful as possible," I nod as I back away from the window. "And Em, you're driving the rest of the way home, Alice's about to pass out."

Emmett answers with a snore as I head back to retrieve Tiger and a jittering Bella. But then it hits me: "driving the rest of the way home." …home. Bella's home sits right in front of us; her home is not mine and mine is not hers. In the coming minutes, one of the best moments could fall upon her and one of the worst upon me. Bella could find her family and I could loose her.

"You've got your axe?" I whisper, reaching her side.

Bella gently raises it at her side, pointing at a large oak tree. "I broke my leg falling out of that tree," she murmurs with a quiet air of nostalgia. "My dad used to call me his little dare-devil," she glances down at her axe. "Look at me now."

"Still a dare-devil," I turn my gaze to her unbroken focus, slipping my hand into hers. I follow Bella's stride up the paved steps to her neatly painted, white house, the door cracked open. Keeping Tiger in a firm grip, I watch Bella as she nudges the front door open into an equally neat foyer. We sink further into the house.

The atmosphere is warm, welcoming and the strong scent of paper is confirmed by the wall of book shelves leading into a cozy living room. A lumpy, patterned couch is the crux of the quaint living space and I can't help but envision a younger Bella lounging across the cushions, reading through a novel written for readers much older than she was. Picture frames occupy the cream walls, family reunions, birthday parties, school events, holidays and my personal favorite: a toddler Bella wearing chocolate cake on her face. "That was my first birthday," she comments.

"September?"

"I guess so. Kind of lost track of time," she murmurs, her eyes focused on a pair of stairs.

"I'll go up and make sure it's safe," I start.

"It's fine, I don't think anyone's up there," I watch as she climbs up the steps, her axe hanging at her side.

I trickle through the house, the way everything looking so normal unable to escape my mind. For a moment I try to imagine myself here visiting a friend, not searching for a lost family in a world of chaos. My eyes fall closed as I picture Bella's family bustling through the kitchen and dining room. I let myself imagine the comforting smells of a home cooked meal dancing through the warm air. A faint noise floats down the stairs, whispering the notes of a lullaby. But this noise is not imagined. Awakening myself from my trance, I steal up the stairs in search of the source of the music.

And there it is, or rather she is. Her back facing the entrance to what I assume to be her parent's bedroom, Bella sits on the edge of a bed, a small wooden box clutched in her frozen hands. A folded piece of notebook paper lays at her side. A recent picture of Bella and her parents rests captured in the lid of the box, the smooth rhythm of the lullaby continuing to stir through the house. I approach her slowly, my eyes casting down at her sedated state as she wills herself to speak.

"They're gone."


	25. Chapter 20 The Day the Forest StoodStill

**Okay, guys, this is it. The end of It's a Mad, Mad, World. I'm so privledged to have had such great viewers along this journey and I'd like to thank each and every one of you.** **I haven't gotten too far in the sequel, but I do have it all mapped out. Actually, I'm trying really hard to get this published somewhere, sometime. In the meantime, I am working on other projects but have yet to decide if I'll bring them here. All in all, thank you guys so much. Edward loves you more than Hot Pockets. Maybe. -Cici.**

* * *

She hasn't spoken since we left the house. She stares out the window at the passing landscape, the wooden box still clutched in her hands. Her parents had gone off in search of their only daughter, leaving a note behind in case she stumbled upon their barren home.

They said they were headed for Bella's college and with an empty garage, we figure they were traveling by car. But, we would've seen them. Heard the engine of another car, the flash of it's head lights as it climbed a hill. They wouldn't have gone unnoticed, and neither would've we. I don't think Bella's parents made it to the campus, but I don't have the heart to tell her.

The next two hours went by like lightening and suddenly I find myself, pulling into the driveway of the Cullen house. Even from outside, our house looks nothing like the Swan's. The tall windows bordering the front door are cracked, some even completely smashed. The front door remains locked and as we climb through the broken windows, for the first time in my life, I wish my house was simply broken into rather than pillaged by a pack of hungry zombies.

The image of meatheads destroying our house from the inside out invades my mind. A pair of growling and limping zombies tearing through the windows, another group clawing up the wooden stairs and down the hallways. Our overturned kitchen, pots and pans sprinkled over the tile as our dining room rests in pieces. Their bruised hands stretching towards one of my family members, sends a jolt in the pit of my stomach.

"Cal, do you see that?" Alice appears next to me, pointing towards faint scratches on the hard-wood floors of our house.

Keeping Bella close to my side, I follow the scratches through the living room and out the back door. From there, the scratches turn into matted down, dead grass which filters into the forest behind our house.

"What is it?" Emmett inquires, peering over my shoulder.

"I'm not really sure," I mutter.

"What if it's them, Edward?" Alice's voice rises, her arm hooking through Emmett's.

"Alice has a point dude, w-we have to go check," Emmett's own voice sputters through the brisk morning air.

I cautiously glance at Bella who's now tracing the carvings of the box with her finger, still silent.

"Okay, but we have to stay close," I nod quickly, not needing much to convince me.

Together as a group, we push farther into the dense woods, our eyes, ears and noses ready to pick up the smallest clues of company of any species. Alice and Emmett flank me and Bella, our weapons all drawn with the exception to Bella. At any moment, a group of meatheads could burst through the trees, jaws snapping in anticipation of their next meal. But we'll be ready.

Frost lines the fallen leaves, winter clearly present in every breath we take. Our steps are labored but quiet, our hearts and minds on edge with each moment that passes by.

"Guys, wha-," Emmett begins but suddenly ceases to continue as his body bumps into a string of tin cans stretching from one tree trunk to the other. The jingle of the metal quiets any further comment. Emmett's eyes widen, Alice clasps her hand over her mouth and Bella stiffens at my side. I find myself starting down the barrel of a shotgun. The man and I stare intensely into each other's matching eyes.

"E-Edward?"

"Dad?"

My father, this man with shotgun, lowers his weapon. His worn, green eyes swell as his gaze falls upon his three lost children. Without another word, our father drops his shotgun and gathers us into a bone crushing hug. Alice crumbles with sobs as she's squished against our father's chest, even Emmett can't fight the over whelming emotion and together we join our little sister and our father in an embrace full of tears of happiness.

"Esme, Rose, Jasper!" My father manages to bark into the woods.

"J-Jasper's here?" Alice whimpers, pulling her tear drenched eyes from my father's shoulder.

"We all are, sweet pie, we all are," Dad soothes, peering into the woods behind us expectantly.

Expecting to find my father in distress, my mother, Esme and my oldest brother, Jasper, come sprinting through the forest with their own weapons, Rosalie trailing behind in a daze. As their eyes fall upon our group hug, they too drop their weapons. My mother just about screams into the crisp air as she runs faster than I've ever seen before and my father reluctantly takes a step back, allowing her to crash into our awaiting arms.

"Let me l-look at you! A-are you hurt? Scratched? Bruised?" She murmurs through her own sobs, kissing each of our foreheads over and over.

"We're all okay, m-mom. All of us are," Emmett doesn't even to attempt to disguise his blubbering.

"My babies…" she croons quietly.

Suddenly, Alice breaks away from the hug and leaps into Jasper's shocked arms. His arms secure around her protectively and his eyes close as they become aware of the impending tears. He walks closer to where we stand and without any shame, my mother pulls Jasper and Alice back into our family reunion. Even Emmett and Rosalie manage to separate themselves for half a second to join in.

My mom's eyes fall upon Bella and she clears her throat. "I'm so sorry, where are my manners? Who might this lovely lady be?"

"This is Bella, Mom. Bella Swan, she went to the school across from mine," I nod, tossing Bella a reassuring glance.

"Oh, isn't that wonderful, they have such a beautiful campus! Did you two meet at school?" Mom asks, turning towards Bella with curiosity.

"Not exactly," Bella murmurs.

I feel my father's gaze on me and I can tell by the look in his that he's asking about her family. I slowly shake my head once and he solemnly nods.

"Well, it looks like you kids could use a good meal," Dad interrupts, pulling Mom away from an overwhelmed Bella.

A warm, crackling fire sparks in the orange and purple skies. Our family gathers around the heat, feasting on a dinner of hot dogs and bakes beans. Bella's wooden box rests on her lap as she watches us banter back and forth.

"We first moved out here right before the looters came," my father explains.

"Thought it was safer out here, hidden in the woods," my mother continues.

"What's with the cans?" Emmett asks, his mouth full of beans. A collective mix of laughter floats into the sky along with the burning embers of the fire.

"Zombie security system," Jasper chuckles, taking a long sip of his water bottle.

"Jasper and I set up the cans to border our camp. Anytime a zombie stumbles through, we hear it." Dad continues Jasper's thought, his free hand glued to my mother's.

"We're finally putting that tree house you guys begged your father build to good use," Mom nods, gesturing to the hand built, wooden tree house between two trees a few yards away. "It's not too bad, actually."

"Do you guys sleep up there?" Alice inquires, resting her head on our mother's shoulder.

"We sure do," Mom and Dad say in unison.

"So what your saying is that one time I refused to come down and Mom ended up making Dad sleep up there with me, prepared you for the real deal?" Emmett laughs through yet another mouthful.

"Just like the Swiss family Robinson," Bella breaks her silence, forcing a small smile.

My mom's finished plate rests on her thigh, her arm draped around Alice who's leaning against her like she did when she was just a kid. Jasper ruffles Emmett's shaggy hair which fuels Emmett to playfully punch him in the chest. We all laugh, the usual family antics resuming like they were never forced to stop.

The wooden planks of the tree house comes nowhere close to a Tempur-Pedic mattress, but with a few sleeping bags it's just enough. My mother kisses us all good night, even Bella before settling into her own sleeping bag. I offer to take the first shift of keeping watch and Dad quickly agrees to help me and I know exactly why.

My feet dangle off the edge of the tree house, Tiger resting at my side as I scan the dark forest for any sign of movement, my father right next to me.

"Go ahead, they're all asleep," I push.

"Go ahead, what?" He plays dumb.

Breathing out a quiet chuckle, I shake my head. "You want to know how we're alive."

My father looks down at the forest floor, his mouth open as if he's about to talk.

"You guys thought we were dead."

"Your mother was worried she'd find you and your siblings…like them," he sighs, finally lifting his eyes to mine. "Every night that went by and you weren't here, it became harder and harder to reassure her. And when Jasper got sick, she became even more of a wreck."

"Jasper's sick? Dad, what happened?" My head snaps over to the sleeping form of my brother.

"He's fine now, Ed," he rests his hand on my shoulder, forcing me to meet his eyes. "Listen, before you tell me how the hell you made it here in one piece, I have to tell you why we didn't come looking for you and Alice and Emmett. I don't want you to think I'm using this as an excuse but when Jasper's injury got infected he became too weak to walk. We could barley get him into the tree house," his head shakes at the recalled memory. "We had every intention of getting to you guys but I couldn't leave your mother alone with Jasper as sick as he was. I don't think they would've been able to survive too long on their own. I knew that you would do everything you could to find Alice and Emmett somehow and bring them back home. It was the only hope I could hold onto. And here you are."

"Here, I am," A smile forms across my lips as I bring my own hand to rest on my father's shoulder. There was no way I could blame him for not coming to find us. He was doing the best to keep alive the family he had here.

"Now, how about that story."

"Ah, buckle up, Pops, it's not one for the faint hearted," I chuckle quietly and keep my voice low. I tell him everything starting with Scott and his all to realistic "Halloween costume", to meeting Bella and stumbling upon _Super-Walmart._ About how Bella saved my life with the medicine, and how I thought our lives were over when we met Jeremy. I tell him about Ronald McDonald, finding Alice and Emmett and searching for Bella's roommate. I even introduce him to Tiger and they shake hand and putter. He asks about her roommate and after making sure Bella is fast asleep one more time, I tell him all about that day: finding Angela zombified, happening upon her empty house and the wooden box and note.

"And her parents, their dead?" He questions, a hint of skepticism in his voice.

"Not sure, but wouldn't we have seen them along the way? We were both using the main roads, we would've noticed if they made it there."

"Has Bella mentioned anything since you left the suburbs?"

"She's barley spoken, barley even moved," I lift my shoulders in a shrug.

"Give her time, son. She's probably got a lot to think about," he gives my shoulder a gentle squeeze. "Don't we all."

Silence overtakes the next few moments before my father speaks again. "Why don't you get some sleep, I was planning on waking up Em. Haven't talked to him in a while."

"You sure you don't need me any longer?" I hitch a brow.

"Good night, Edward."

"Night, Dad."

* * *

The early morning sun floods through the cracks of the tree house and my eyes open to the wooden beams lacing across the ceiling. Suddenly, I'm seven years old again, and I've just woken up next to my brothers after a sleepover in the tree house. The only worry I have is wondering if Mom and Dad made waffles or pancakes for our Sunday morning breakfast and if Alice went through my comic books. Life was easy, simple. I didn't have to worry about where I'd be sleeping the next night, or if I'd be sleeping at all. For a moment, I let myself truly believe I'm safe.

We have a morning breakfast, but it's puny in comparison to the feast we used to gobble down without a second thought. Bella even seems better as she smiles at something Alice's blabbing about, Rose making faces in the background. And when my Mom asks if she'd like to help get water from a nearby stream, she nods her head yes. I don't like the thought of either of them going off alone but my father assures me that the stream is nearby and within our boundary. The way my mother secures her arm around Bella's shoulder as they walk off reaffirms my assumption that she already thinks of her as one of her own.

The afternoon comes quickly and I decide to tag along with Jasper and Emmett to gather more firewood. It's been too long since we've been just brothers and that needed to change.

"Hey Emmett, why don't you come over here and I can give you a much deserved hair cut?" Jasper smirks, heaving an axe over his shoulder, a stump easily splitting in half.

Jasper's the oldest out of all of us, but not by too much. He's only two years older than I am but man he looked older and just flat out bigger. Sure, we're look relatively the same and stand at a similar height but Jasper has muscles where I didn't know you could have them. He studied Pre-Med just like Bella and graduated top of his class. Now he's- or rather was - working as in Intern at some local hospital. My parent's have always been proud of him and his ambition to succeed, I mean who wouldn't be? He's like a miniature version of our father, always working to improve himself.

"Dude, you're just jealous of my luscious locks," Emmett scowls, turning a stump over to sit down on.

"Winded already?" I snort, gathering the chopped wood into a pile.

"Yeah actually, I am. Dad had me up half the night, I forgot how much the man likes to talk."

"Man's like a Furby," Jasper grunts, slamming his axe down upon another stump.

"Whoa, whoa whoa, don't you even think about stealing my Furby line, Jazz." I object, my eyes narrowing as I collect the pieces of the sliced stump.

"Let me guess, you called Alice a Furby?" Jasper raises a brow, wiping his forehead clean of sweat.

"Yeah, I did. How'd you know?"

"She told me," he huffs and points for another stump for me to ready. "And because it's true." We all erupt in laughter and thank God that Alice's not snooping around somewhere.

"So, Ed, tell me about Bella," Jasper starts as we sit down for a short break.

"He's in love with her," Emmett butts in.

"Gee, thanks, Em," I grumble.

"No problem, lover boy," Emmett makes a heart with his hands.

"Congrats, man," Jasper chuckles, nudging my shoulder. "She seems great, Edward, really."

"You should see her when she's kicking zombie ass," I nod, twirling Tiger in my hands.

"It's true, girl can dish it out," Emmett agrees.

"Speaking of the meatheads, how many do you get around here?" I question, casting a glance around us.

"Not too many actually. I mean, once in a while we get one stumbling through but it's nothing we can't take care of," Jasper shrugs.

"You boys just going to sit around or should Bella, your sister and I do the wood chopping?" My Mom's voice echoes through as she comes into site, Bella , Rose and Alice at her side. Bella cracks a small smile in my direction and I flash one back.

"Hi, Mommy," Emmett grins.

"Hi, baby," she coos.

"I was just explaining the meaning of life to Emmett and Jasper, my bad," I keep a straight face as I spring into a standing position.

"Oh? And what is that, Edward?" Mom's eyebrow hitches as she balances a bucket of water on her hip.

"It's simple: to find Hot Pockets," I dreamingly sigh.

Jasper and our mother exchange a quick look as Alice stifles a giggle. "Good luck with that, honey," Mom encourages and leads the girls back to the tree house.

"What was that about?" I inquire, my eyebrows furrowed.

"Not what you're thinking."

"Jasper, tell me!"

" I don't know what you're talking about."

"Emmett, help me out here," I beg.

"I don't know what you're talking about," he copies Jasper.

"Check the food box, idiot," Jasper shakes his head.

My heart jolts and I swear I can hear Stairway to Heaven somewhere in the distance as I jog- in what seems to be slow-motion- back to the tree house.

"Mom, where's the food box?" I sputter.

"In the tree house, sweetie," she laughs and without another I word I bolt towards the tree house.

Of course, the drop ladder leading into the tree house doesn't want to corporate and attacks my feet as I try to climb up. "Please," I beg. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this little pocket of paradise." The Hot Pocket gods must have heard me because with that plea, the ladder backs off and I pull myself onto the wooden boards.

Like a little boy on Christmas, I rush straight towards a big cardboard box of food resting in a corner of the tree house. I fall to my knees, my hands stretch forward and dig through the mess of nonperishable foods in search of that beautiful red and white box. And suddenly, there it is. Stairway to Heaven pipes back up as I hold the amazing red and white box of Hot Pockets in my hands; grasping the meaning of life. Could my family have changed from their joke-playing ways? Could they have saved the last Hot Pocket on the earth just for me?

"Is this real life?" I murmur, turning the magnificent box around in my hands.

"Probably not," the voice of Jasper snorts from behind me.

"Shh, let me have my moment," I mutter, tearing open, wait, why is the box already opened? Why am I know just realizing how light the box is…As I gently tip the box, pockets of hotness do not slide out into my awaiting hands, instead a piece of notebook paper does.

_As soon as a grocery store opens, I'll buy you a box._

My body seems to fill with fire. "You're dead…."

"Dude, those things spoil if you leave them out over night! We haven't had power in a month!"

"You're dead," I drop the soiled box and rise to my feet, walking towards my idiot of a brother.

"I told you it wasn't what you were thinking!" He backs away, still laughing.

"Dead. That's what you are to me," I raise my fisted hand and punch him right in the shoulder.

"Hey! I said I'd buy you a box when the stores come back!" He hisses. "Watch it, I'm crippled!"

"You have a band-aid on your leg, that's not crippled!"

"Dream ruiner!" I groan, shoving him one last time before dropping down to the ladder and from there, onto the ground. "Mom, I can't believe you were apart of this!"

"Aw, sweetie, I thought it would lighten the mood a bit, I'm sorry…" even she can't help but laugh.

"Culprit!"

"If it makes you feel any better, I haven't read a People Magazine for three months!"

"Doesn't help!" I call.

Nope, same family.

Unfortunately, dinner does not consist of Hot Pockets and instead we gather under the sunset for another round of baked beans. Considering how hungry everyone is, the meal flies by in no time and as my family climbs up the tree house for bed, I hear that smooth lullaby roaming through the forest. I inform my mother about where I'll be, promise to come back before dark and slip away to the campfire.  
I follow the rhythmical notes until I find Bella sitting on the ground, her back pressed against the trunk of a tree and her wooden box clutched in her hands. She barley looks up as I lower myself onto the ground across from her.

"Can you believe my own family did that to me? My own flesh and blood…" I shake my head, watching as her fingers trails across the carvings of the box. "I bet your parents wouldn't do that to you."

"Your dad taught me how to kindle firewood today," she murmurs, changing the subject. "He's like Bear Grylls or something."

A soft chuckle mixes with the even tones of the lullaby as I nod. "Yeah, he definitely is."

"I'm glad we found them, Ed, I really am," Bella flickers her light blue gaze up to mine, her fingers busy winding the music back up.

"Thanks, Bella," I smile, reaching my hand to finish the turning for her. "They like you a lot, you know."

"Yeah?"

"Especially my Mom," I laugh quietly once again. "She thinks you're the best thing since the Dyson Ball."

A hint of a smile touches Bella's lips. "I think she's pretty great too, all you Cullens are."

Silence grasps the moment and I sit there watching her watch her feet, wondering what she could be thinking about. Bella gets up after a moment and places a kiss on my cheek. "Good night, Edward," she climbs up the ladder and disappears into the tree house.  
Alone in the woods next to the dying fire, I whisper the words: "Goodnight, Bella."

Something stirs inside me and my eyes slowly flicker open. I roll over in my sleeping bag and stare out into the foggy, undisturbed forest. I hear the even breathing of my family lying beside me but my ears catch something else. No, not a moan of a zombie, or the thumping of their heavy footsteps. I hear silence where the usual light snore from Bella Eaton can be heard. My heart stops as I look over into Bella's corner to find her sleeping bag neatly rolled and tucked away. A box top lies on top of Bella's makeshift bed, her messy scrawl staining the cardboard and no Bella in sight.  
I must have read the note a hundred times, but the words remained unchanged. I stand looking down at the extinguished fire, the morning sun breaking through the still forest.

Edward,  
I couldn't do it while you were awake. I don't think you would've let me anyway. I know they are alive, I can feel it. I need to find them.

-Bella

I feel more alone now than I ever did when I thought I was the only human left on earth.

* * *

_**DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNNNNN! **_


End file.
